AIBU - school Mum invited herself to my kid's party

[Aliciasattic]

My DD is turning 8 in August and we've organised a small party for her, telling her she can have six guests from school. It's an activity so fairly pricey per child, hence the numbers.
One of the school Mum's asked me if my DD was attending an event that coincides with the date of the party and I foolishly said, no because it's her birthday and she's having a party. The Mum instantly said, oh ok I'll say no to the event then as she (her DD) would much rather go to your party.
The kids have literally never played together.

Instead of replying, sorry she's not invited I sort of sheepishly murmured something about having to go and headed off. I'm now stressed out about this, should I just let the kid come? Or was the Mum being cheeky to just assume her kid was invited? There are lots of smaller parties in the class, so nothing new there. For what it's worth she seems like a nice person, although I don't know her particularly well and my DD has never had any negative experiences with the other kid. But still, there's other kids she'd rather invite if there was the option of an extra space and I feel like I've been backed into a corner.

I'm annoyed with myself but also finding the whole thing a bit stressful and awkward.

What would you do?

I think suck it up. Uninviting now will cause drama whereas you can be more careful in future.

Can you not say ‘by the way it costs this much’ and see if that puts her off? Or are you paying for the other guests hence keeping it small?

I think it sounds like a misunderstanding rather than anyone was intentionally being rude and it could be sorted with a simple text:

"Sorry you caught me off guard this morning, DD is just having a low-key party with a small group of her closest friends.... I didn't mean to give the impression that the whole class was invited. Apologies for the mix up and hope you enjoy (the other event.)"

@UpToonGirl I fail to understand how the parent took that as an invitation to a party. OP literally said she wasn't going to the aforementioned event as it fell on the day of her daughters party. Yes, it maybe inadvertently insensitive but they clearly never had an invite!

I understand about not wanting conflict, I hate conflict and the thought of upsetting someone or disappointing a child makes my stomach churn but my child would ultimately come first and if they were not on the invited list, I am afraid I would have to brave it up, apologise profusely to the parent for the misunderstanding.

very rude

Don’t be ridiculous 🙄

@Aliciasattic

I have to agree with the people on here saying that this school mom is a cheeky fucker.

So she asked you if you were going to a certain event and you said 'no I'm not because my child's having a party,' and she automatically assumed that her child was coming to it - when your child and her child have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I mean why the actual F would she assume her child is invited? I just can't get my head round it.

As a previous poster said, that's like somebody saying 'are you going to a certain event,' you saying 'no I'm going on holiday to Barbados for the week,' and them saying 'oh you know what I won't go to that event either I'll come to Barbados with you!' LOL.

I mean, you should have really have said at the time 'oh I'm sorry but my child and your child don't even know each other, so your child isn't invited, and I don't think I said she was. Plus it's a very small party with only five people invited and I can't really afford anymore and there's no more spaces.'

I mean you've already kind of said now that her child can come, but this is going to be so awkward if they do come and your child has nothing to do with this child.

I remember one time my cousin's daughter invited 10 kids from her class to her party, and there was two Lucys in the class; one invited and one not, and the not-invited one, was a girl my cousin's daughter disliked and she had bullied my cousin's daughter a few months before...

The teacher was helping to give the invitations out, and you can probably guess what happened. Lucy 2, who my cousin's daughter actively disliked (and her mother too,) got handed a bloody invitation. INSTEAD of Lucy 1.

My cousin got a response the next day from this Lucy's mom saying yes she'd love to come to the party. My cousin told her that actually she wasn't invited, and it had been given to the wrong Lucy. The mom said 'you have got to invite her now, and it's mean and spiteful not to.' So my cousin actually ended up inviting the other Lucy that her daughter couldn't stand.

Because my cousin wasn't strong enough and bold enough to say 'NO, it was a mistake, your daughter isn't invited,' this other Lucy came, and quite honestly, it ruined her daughter's party. Her daughter was fuming, and even 15 years later, she still remembers it; her shitty party with that horrible cow who should never have been there. She had lots of good parties too, but this one stuck with her. They were all 10 at the time btw.

As an aside, I think it's a little bit of a dangerous game only inviting 5 to a party as well. I remember once my friend only invited six kids to a party and only three turned up, made only four kids altogether, so not really a party, just four kids getting together.

To be quite honest I would rather just spend a bit less on each child and invite about 15 to 18 children. I mean I did that a few times with my kids invited 13 to 18 children - sometimes a McDonald's party, sometimes a Pizza Hut party - and if three or four didn't turn up there would still be around a dozen or so which is a party.

Your experience is vastly different from mine then.

Had 3 kids and never been to a whole class party in my life. It just isn’t done here. The norm is usually a couple of close friends and definitely no more than half a dozen friends. By Secondary, they meet friends on the beach for a bbq in the warmer weather.

I’m guessing you live in a large town or city where there’s lots of bookable activities?

It's not rude to mention that you have an event coming up that excludes others.

Are people so sensitive that they can't understand that if the children don't have any sort of relationship the child might not be invited?

Personally, I think the other mum was extremely rude to make the assumption that her child would automatically be invited to the party. That's not how invitations work, you wait until you've been invited before saying you're child will be there.

Agree with poster up thread, you shouldn't have mentioned the party just said you were busy. She probably assumed they were invited as you mentioned it. I think I'd have done the same as you though 😂 then I'd suck it up and let them come.

By the same token, why mention a party to another parent that their child isn't invited to?

Normal people.. who are aware the world doesn't revolve around them.

Thanks all! Can totally see the perspectives of those you have commented.

Fortunately the Mum in question is nice and so are the kids, I'm going to have a word and see how it goes. If the kid has been told already then I'll keep her on the list, otherwise I'm hoping we'll have a laugh over it at some point.

Just say to her "Yesterday when we spoke you may have left with the idea that X was invited to something for DD's birthday. I'm sorry if you got that impression because we're just having a very small gathering, just family and close friends, and you may have misunderstood that the class was invited, and that your DD may have lost her invite, it isn't and she hasn't. Just wanted to clear up any confusion and save you any hassle".

No need to include her and in fact, she would go from the level of being a nosey parent to that of a CF in one jump because her DD wasn't invited and she, by way of having a conversation and making you uncomfortable enough not to say anything to her there and then, and you're willing to pay for her DD to attend something that you've said is both expensive and that your DD would have selected someone else ahead of this girl to go.

I would ask my child whether they want her at her party first. They may in fact get on very well and you just don't hear about it (my ds is the same age and doesn't give much away).

As an aside, a little boy sort of invited himself to me son's small birthday activity and I am just rolling with it.

Best be direct and tell her.

I can see how this happened.

Sounds like the other mum was about to invite your DC to an event. They sound like they think they are good friends. Parents dont always know. it was a presumption to think their child would be invited to the party, but nothing terrible. Of course you’d oiled have and should have corrected her immediately. Not doing so was your error.

Lots of good suggestions about clarifying things with a simple text. ‘Sorry I think we might have got our wires crossed or Sorry but you caught me a bit off guard yesterday….’ Are good starts to explaining this a just a small gathering rather than a full scale party, so she should go ahead with whatever her plan was for that date with her child. Finish with a cheery and breezy ‘Look forward to catching up at the school gate soon’.

End of. Not a big deal.

As always, simple communication can resolve these things. Dwelling on them, staying silent and letting the issue fester in your mind is not the route to sorting it. There was a bit of presumption, but it was nothing terrible and you didn’t deal with it as you should have….but very easily resolved, so no problem.

Just saw your update and you said you were going to speak to her in a friendly way. I think this is the right thing to do.
Along the lines of You realise there might have been a misunderstanding. You only invited 5 children (due to cost maybe) your daughter found it very hard to limit numbers and you'd hate for her DD to miss out on event, for a very small gathering. Its not a whole class party or her daughter would certainly have had a formal invite.
I would prefer the real reason, which makes sense, than cancelling the event, waiting for an invitation that never comes. Your DD and this girl will be in that class for a long time. Who knows they might be real friends by next term.
If there is a hint of real disappointment from the other child, I'd probably let them in.

There's nothing to "uninvite" the girl from as she wasn't invited in the first place!

Anyone who thinks they, or their child, is instantly invited to something just because it's mentioned in a conversation, is either a CF or incredibly thick.

Any update OP?

This ☝️

Yes, it's perhaps a bit tactless to mention the party to the mother of a child that isn't invited to but it's hardly the social faux pas that some poster seems to think it is, and it certainly isn't rude.

Given that the two children in question have absolutely nothing to do with one another it really is rather odd and presumptuous of the other mother to assume that her child would be invited.

Mentioning something you're going to do to someone in casual conversation isn't issuing an invitation to join in.

Oh God, it has to involve an expensive activity.

Whatever happened to a couple of quick rounds of pass the parcel, statues, a bit of cake and then everyone goes home?

Let alone a non-drama of a girl not being invited to an expensive party she didn't even know was happening?

Duel at the school gates next?

there are lots of small parties and playdates constantly going on with the class, and the other kid is a popular little girl who seems to be in on everything.

This really stood out from the OP's second post. Could this little girl be 'in on everything' because her Mum is adept at managing the situation so her child goes to everything. Maybe I am just cynical.....................

Well, if you're cynical, then so am I, because I had the same thought re. the mother engineering things so her daughter turns up everywhere. Even more reason for OP to stop this particular non-inivitation in its tracks.

Update - so I had a chat to my DD yesterday and basically explained the situation to her. She said she is happy for her to come a that the kid sometimes plays with one of her other friends. I think the Mum never meant to be cheeky and is actually pretty friendly and nice, I've messaged the details. One more kid won't break the bank and will learn to keep my trap shut next time