To tell him or do I let this go?

[Furrbabymama1987]

I just want to say before I type this that this is a new account, but I have been on MN for years under basically the same user name but for a few digits. I had to start a new one under a new email address as had trouble getting back into the old one. So anyone is free to check that if this seems odd for a newish account.
A few years ago I met this guy on a night out. We had what I thought was a one night stand, but then a week later, bumped into him again in the same club and history repeated itself. He told me he was 19 and I had no reason to think otherwise. He looked 19, he was confident and was being served alcohol at the bar. He later admitted he was 17 and I felt bad about it but I liked him by then. I was 22 or 23 at the time.
I developed feelings for him and we wanted to be together but I was ashamed about the age gap and that he was a student when I was an adult woman with a young child, so kept it under wraps and it fizzled out eventually.
After a while I met a new partner and we later had a child together. We were argumentative and frequently split up and got back together. He was a bit abusive in some ways and I wasn't happy but found it hard to leave. So, I started texting this guy again and we met up and had sex and it led to a casual sex thing that went on for about 2 years, every time I split with my now ex, I would go back to this guy. I wanted there to be more between us, he did too, but we were afraid of other people's reactions.
I went on to have another child with my ex when we got back together.
Everyone comments she looks nothing like him. I'm now married to someone else and ex isn't in my children's lives at all anymore.
I recently saw this guy in my doctors surgery. He lives relatively local to me but we've never crossed paths. This was the first time in years. I saw him looking at me but we never spoke. I can't stop thinking how much my child looks like him. He will have moved on and I'm a distant memory now and he won't be expecting this. He deserves to know but I don't know if this is just opening up a can of worms. She has a father figure, my husband and doesn't need the confusion, but I'm unsure what to do. I feel shame around the fact I potentially had a baby with a teenage guy, although he would have been around 19 when I conceived. And she could be my ex's although she looks nothing like him, or me for that matter.

If you’d never had sex with your partners best friend why were you doing a dna test on your daughter?

Because my ex didn’t believe me as they looked so alike.
So I’m saying just because a child looks like someone else - doesn’t mean they’re actually theirs (obviously in OPs she did have sex with him so there’s more of a possibility).

OP did you find a good test yet?

I went ahead with getting the test and I received it this morning. Once I get the information there's no going back. And I don't know what to say to my child about why I'm swabbing. She's delayed in her development so she's at a younger level, so whatever I say she's not really going to get it.But I don't want to make a huge deal of it at this stage until I at least know the result.

This might sound silly but could you just pretend you're swabbing to check her mouth is clean? Making light of it 'just as I thought, lovely and clean, we won't have to do that again!'

I’d say it was a Covid swab or something

You will probably find it easier to decide once you know the result x

I've done the tests and sent off Friday afternoon. I did just say it was something to do with covid when swabbing them and they didn't ask any questions. I should get the results within 4 working days. I can't believe I've gone ahead and done it. Shitting myself but it's done now.

I definitely think you are doing the right thing I’d do the same in your shoes.
And I hope you get peace of mind.

Well done! That must have taken quite some strength.

To anyone interested in the outcome, I've received the email this morning. They are not full siblings. Their shared dna is less than 25%. The young guy I slept with is her father. I don't know how I feel. Partly shock, partly expected it.

That's a shock alright OP. Take time to digest it before telling your daughter or her bio father.
I can't remember the situation with your ex (who you thought was her dad), is he involved with your DD?

Op take some time to let this sink in before you make any decisions

Agree with everyone else to take your time to figure out your next move. This has been a secret for 9'yeats so a few more days/weeks won't make a difference. The father does have a right to know he has a child though

I'm going to think about what I should do regarding telling the guy. I roughly know his address but I've no idea if he's married or has kids. From what I've seen on his social media I don't think he does. He only seems to talk about football and politics on his twitter account that I found. I'm not going to tell my ex, we split in the pregnancy and he's never seen her and not had any further contact with his older child, plus he is volatile and I don't want to start contact with him again.

You take your time. I'm sure it's still a shock though you were suspicious.
At least DD1's father isn't in the picture to make matters more difficult.

Just... dont take too much time. This man has lost out on years with his daughter and your daughter has lost out on years with her father.

He may want nothing to do her her. But, dont leave it too long.

Thanks for replies. I don't know if I should tell him. I know it's the right thing to do morally but I don't know if its right for my daughter. And if I did I don't know the way to do it. I know the street he lives on but don't fancy knocking and dropping the bombshell.

It is right for your daughter to know her father or at least know who he is.

You'll have to tell her when she is older, and then she may track him down. And then you need to answer why you didnt tell anyone.

You messed up years ago. You can fix it now by being honest and giving him the chance.

There's going to come a point in your DD's life when knowing about her father is important. Could you hand on heart lie to her?
I think you should do the sibling test, in secret, and decide on the next course of action if your suspicions are correct.
I also don't think the age thing is an issue, you were both young and no one else needs to one the whole story anyway.

Don’t keep this to yourself out of fear. You owe it to your daughter to be brave.

Please tell him, it's not fair on your daughter to live a life her entire life. She would grow up thinking her dad is this horrible man where this young man MIGHT be better

I think my main worry aside from confusing her is that she doesn't remember a time my husband wasn't in her life. In every way but biology, he is her dad and she calls him dad. He just says its up to me what I want to do but I think probably he'd prefer me not to contact. He knows this guy is a sore spot for me.

The bio father needs to know
It might be the only child he ever has for whatever reason
Your daughter needs to know she has a bio dad
Sorry I have no advice how you approach this
But hope it all works out good

It might be confusing for her to learn about such a thing as a bio dad (her dad, your husband, is on us till her dad in everyone’s eyes) but it will be a lot less confusing for her to learn it now that to find out a big, identity shaking, secret as an adult.

I’d recommend finding a good family therapist you and her can go to, to make this all as smooth as possible.

is still*

I think you've had a tough time on this thread and you handled it well! So at 22 you slept with a 17 year old who looked older and said he was older. Big bloody deal. Massive kudos to him I'd say!

I feel you do have to tell him, I think it's going to be rocky, he may ask why you didn't explore this earlier on when you first had suspicions. But if you make it clear you need and want nothing from him beyond what he wants to give, I think telling him is the right thing to do.

I feel a little more concerned about your relationship with your husband. He sounds like a decent, responsible chap but he's gonna need a whole lot of love and reassurance not to feel slightly concerned about this unexpected turn of events and the contact you may end up having with someone who you were once very fond of.