To tell him or do I let this go?

[Furrbabymama1987]

I just want to say before I type this that this is a new account, but I have been on MN for years under basically the same user name but for a few digits. I had to start a new one under a new email address as had trouble getting back into the old one. So anyone is free to check that if this seems odd for a newish account.
A few years ago I met this guy on a night out. We had what I thought was a one night stand, but then a week later, bumped into him again in the same club and history repeated itself. He told me he was 19 and I had no reason to think otherwise. He looked 19, he was confident and was being served alcohol at the bar. He later admitted he was 17 and I felt bad about it but I liked him by then. I was 22 or 23 at the time.
I developed feelings for him and we wanted to be together but I was ashamed about the age gap and that he was a student when I was an adult woman with a young child, so kept it under wraps and it fizzled out eventually.
After a while I met a new partner and we later had a child together. We were argumentative and frequently split up and got back together. He was a bit abusive in some ways and I wasn't happy but found it hard to leave. So, I started texting this guy again and we met up and had sex and it led to a casual sex thing that went on for about 2 years, every time I split with my now ex, I would go back to this guy. I wanted there to be more between us, he did too, but we were afraid of other people's reactions.
I went on to have another child with my ex when we got back together.
Everyone comments she looks nothing like him. I'm now married to someone else and ex isn't in my children's lives at all anymore.
I recently saw this guy in my doctors surgery. He lives relatively local to me but we've never crossed paths. This was the first time in years. I saw him looking at me but we never spoke. I can't stop thinking how much my child looks like him. He will have moved on and I'm a distant memory now and he won't be expecting this. He deserves to know but I don't know if this is just opening up a can of worms. She has a father figure, my husband and doesn't need the confusion, but I'm unsure what to do. I feel shame around the fact I potentially had a baby with a teenage guy, although he would have been around 19 when I conceived. And she could be my ex's although she looks nothing like him, or me for that matter.

Why is it that when it is a 17-year-old female, she's seen as " vulnerable" and he is seen as predatory, even a paedo almost !. And yet when it is a male we have. " hardly a child". There's gotta be a word for that !.

Don't be so dramatic. He was 17 and above the age of consent. Hardly a "child."

Is your first child also with someone who isn’t in the picture?

I didn't realise I could test them to see if they're full siblings. I think that sounds like my best option. It's just what I do with the information then. I wouldn't tell my ex because he's not in her life anyway. Husband would obviously have to know. It's going back to young guy ( who'll now be about 28 so not that young now) with a bombshell that worries me. The not knowing for sure has been what has helped me put this on the backburner these years.

Yes although I know who his dad is.Also got a fourth child with my husband.

Regardless of the way round it is 17 isn't a child and they told the op they were older and wete getting served in a bar. I have to admit I've never asked anyone for id before I've had sex with them

I agree with this and when you get the test results you can decide what to do

I'm sure prince Andrew would agree with you !!!!!.

You don't actually know that this man is your child's father anyway, and you will not know without a DNA test. The fact that your daughter resembles him isn't any kind of proof and I'd just leave it to be honest. To me it just sounds like you're wistful for someone you had romantic feelings for and lost and want there to be more to it than there is.

Also ... this bloke was 17 when you met. But the second time you started seeing him, enough time had elapsed for you to have met someone else and 'later' had a child. So by that time, the younger guy must have been an adult. You had an affair with him for two years after that, so by the time that ended he must have been what, about 20? 21? So why were you 'afraid of people's reactions' at that point? You wouldn't have needed to tell anyone you met when he was 17.

You need to put your child first here. I assume you’re not all pretending that your Husband is her biological father? So if she hasn’t already then she’s going to ask who that person is. She deserves to know.

Or what if she takes some kind of ancestory test as an adult and finds out then. It could completely shake her world. It would be better for her to know the truth all along.

Take it one step at a time!!

17 & 22 really isn't a big deal. At 27 my bf was 22 (& we had been seeing each other a year & stayed together for 8). It's more unusual the other way around, but mostly due to males (in general) taking longer to mature. He was over the age of consent & you were BOTH young.

Get your head around the fact that it wasn't some deviant behaviour on your part.

Next, get the kids both tested AFTER that you can decide on what to do, they might be full siblings, then that's the end if that!

You didn’t know you could test your children to see if they’re full siblings, and you’re already sure this guy is the father?

Just admit you’re desperate for an excuse to contact him and crack on.

OP - you potentially have four kids with four different dads - I don’t think the dynamic is particularly sensitive (unlike if three of your kids were with the same dad and it was one child you were unsure about). At the end of the day it’s about your daughter and everyone is entitled to know who their biological parents are. You made the choices you made but out of your own shame, you are essentially punishing your DD.

He would have been around 19 when I would have conceived the baby. It seems ages ago and I know we were on and off, I'm confused on the dates. It's something I've always been embarrassed about. Everyone thinks I've got four kids to 3 men, but it's more likely 4 men. I'm worried how my family would react, although they always jokingly say "are you sure she's ex's, she's nothing like him. You sure there wasn't anyone else?" And there was. And also this is probably outing, but ex had bright ginger hair and our child together also has it, other child is a blond, same as young guy.

Why is it that when it is a 17-year-old female, she's seen as " vulnerable" and he is seen as predatory, even a paedo almost !.

Er ... I absolutely would not think a 22-year-old man who dated a 17-year-old was predatory. I'd think it was pretty normal really. He's not going to be dating her because he fetishises her age. If he was a 22-year-old with paedo tendencies he'd be chasing much younger girls than that. A 17-year-old can be a month or two away from starting uni where she'll be mixing with 22-year-old third year students all the time. At the ages of 17 and 22, people are basically the same peer group.

It would be different if the man was 40 or something, as in that situation he is almost certainly getting off on her age, because the gap is so big and they are in no way peers.

She knows he's not biologically but all my kids call him dad, bar eldest as he is a teenager so was older when we met, although he is like a dad to him.

Are you looking for a reason to contact him again op? If so it’s really better to just do that and not drag your kid into it. She doesn’t deserve that. If you want to know then do the siblings test.

No, I don't want to be with him again. I'm happy with husband. I think subconsciously it might because I'm holding on the hope she isn't my ex's because I hate him. It's just the fact she doesn't look like him or her other siblings and that other people have commented that is making me think I'm right.

The lives that some people lead.

Honestly I think you’re just trying to find an excuse to have this man back in your life.

Do you actually think he could be the father or are you just using it as an excuse?

If there was a potential that he was the father why did you not do a DNA test when she was first born?

I think it’s really selfish that you have potentially ruined your daughters, ex’s and this man’s life by lying.

I would be doing a sibling DNA test before reaching out to this guy. Then deciding what to do.

Completely agree.

Why did you still carry on sleeping with him OP when you realised he wasn't an adult yet?

I’m not sure op. If you were really concerned you could easily have researched and worked this out. Your focus is all about when you get to tell this guy. Which does make it read like you’ve seen him, still fancy him and want to have a reason to get back in touch. You are acting like even telling your kid is irrelevant, it’s all about telling this guy.

Sounds like you need to know op, so get a dna to see if full siblings. If she isnot your exs you can decide what to do then. I’d tell him, tell him you assumed she was exs etc. on another note red hair is a recessive gene and I think both parents need to have it for a red haired child but wouldn’t be guaranteed. So you must have red hair in your family somewhere. So blonde could be the same… basically hair colour isn’t a guarantee either way

Do you get child maintenance from your ex though? If yes that's a whole heap of issues. You have to DNA test - it isn't fair on your child and potentially not fair on your ex. Your child has a right to know - your ex has a right to know if he has been defrauded by paying maintenance for a child that isn't his.

I would also say I don’t think the age difference was an issue… you were both young