To tell him or do I let this go?

[Furrbabymama1987]

I just want to say before I type this that this is a new account, but I have been on MN for years under basically the same user name but for a few digits. I had to start a new one under a new email address as had trouble getting back into the old one. So anyone is free to check that if this seems odd for a newish account.
A few years ago I met this guy on a night out. We had what I thought was a one night stand, but then a week later, bumped into him again in the same club and history repeated itself. He told me he was 19 and I had no reason to think otherwise. He looked 19, he was confident and was being served alcohol at the bar. He later admitted he was 17 and I felt bad about it but I liked him by then. I was 22 or 23 at the time.
I developed feelings for him and we wanted to be together but I was ashamed about the age gap and that he was a student when I was an adult woman with a young child, so kept it under wraps and it fizzled out eventually.
After a while I met a new partner and we later had a child together. We were argumentative and frequently split up and got back together. He was a bit abusive in some ways and I wasn't happy but found it hard to leave. So, I started texting this guy again and we met up and had sex and it led to a casual sex thing that went on for about 2 years, every time I split with my now ex, I would go back to this guy. I wanted there to be more between us, he did too, but we were afraid of other people's reactions.
I went on to have another child with my ex when we got back together.
Everyone comments she looks nothing like him. I'm now married to someone else and ex isn't in my children's lives at all anymore.
I recently saw this guy in my doctors surgery. He lives relatively local to me but we've never crossed paths. This was the first time in years. I saw him looking at me but we never spoke. I can't stop thinking how much my child looks like him. He will have moved on and I'm a distant memory now and he won't be expecting this. He deserves to know but I don't know if this is just opening up a can of worms. She has a father figure, my husband and doesn't need the confusion, but I'm unsure what to do. I feel shame around the fact I potentially had a baby with a teenage guy, although he would have been around 19 when I conceived. And she could be my ex's although she looks nothing like him, or me for that matter.

think I would have to. I'm not in contact anymore but he is active on twitter and Instagram and I know his street. I just don't know how he'd react

oh op, you gave yourself away fhere, fhere is no way you’d know about his social media usage if you were not stalking him on line, which means it’s totally about him

why are you stalking this man and doing fhis? You’re a woman in her thirties, married with four kids, why are you stalking him?

So typing his name in to see if he has social media after she saw him in the street is stalking?! Ok then 🤣

No I'm not stalking him. Considering he's potemtially my daughter's father, I just wanted to see what he was up to these days out of curiosity. If you've never googled an ex then you deserve a crown lol.

So typing his name in to see if he has social media after she saw him in the street is stalking?! Ok then

It’s not normal to see someone on the street and look to them up only to see if they have social media you know 🤪🤪

No but if they are potentially the father of your child I think it warrants a little look don't you think?

I’m not sure if 9 year old me would appreciate my mother telling me that she wasn’t sure who she had me with. I’d be confused, possible angry and even embarrassed? If your daughter believes she has the same dad as at least one of her siblings, it’s a part of her identity. To drop a bombshell now that actually her dad is someone she’s never met and probably will never develop a relationship with, might be too much for a 9 year old.

And the potential father is the deadbeat one I assume? Apart from knowing for sake of it, is there any real benefit to your DD finding this out now? Maybe wait till she’s an adult …

Parents should protect their kids from the messy world of adults, and in this case, well, it is kind
of messy.

To be fair, she's never met her the one who she thinks is her father either. He was present with his other child, although not living together. He would come down to see me and he would see her there, but he was never that interested in her. It was all about him getting to have sex with me. And whenever we split up or argued he would not see her. He's never actually seen the child who's paternity I'm considering testing. During the pregnancy with her, our arguing reached new heights and he did some terrible things. I asked did he want to see her and he blanked all my messages and phone calls so I left it. Then 6 months later he started messaging me again, but he was after sex. He's never actually asked to see her. He knows I slept with the other guy, but not around the timeframe I conceived. So for all he knows, she's his and he's never bothered with her.

When my sister was 18 she dated a guy she met in a pub. They went for a meal, drank beer, went to a bar afterwards, had a glass of wine, went for an evening stroll. He drove her home in his car. They went out for the day, he picked her up in his car. This went on for several weeks. One evening they were pulled over by the police while he was driving, he had a rear light out however when the police saw him they knew him and arrested him for driving without a licence, without insurance and theft of vehicle. He was 15 and in his step dad's car. My sister, my mum, my brother's, had absolutely no idea. He did not look 15, nothing about their meeting up had suggested he was 15.

But in relation to your OP, I'd keep track of him just in case, but wouldn't tell him.

What does your husband think

Bloody hell, that's crazy. But there are lads that look older than they are. I think if they're drinking in a bar you should be able to assume they're at least 18, especially when so many places are strict these days. What happened? Did anything happen with him being underage?

He says he'll support me finding out but doesn't think I should get in touch with him if it turns out he is.

"He says he'll support me finding out but doesn't think I should get in touch with him if it turns out he is."

That's your daughters decision - nothing to do with your husband.

Why is it that when it is a 17-year-old female, she's seen as " vulnerable" and he is seen as predatory, even a paedo almost !. And yet when it is a male we have. " hardly a child". There's gotta be a word for that !.

A 17 year old female is only seen as vulnerable if it's a Percy old man creeping around. OP was young herself. Plenty of 17 year olds get pregnant and the dads aren't necessarily peados (depending on the age gap).

I agree with others. Test the siblings and once you have the results take it from there. Your DC deserves to know and that's more important than you having an easy life

The not knowing for sure has been what has helped me put this on the backburner these years

I got the impression you were pretty certain of the father before you saw the younger guy in the gp surgery. If you've had doubts/niggles since pregnancy or birth that's a whole different situation.

Back then the younger guy would have had the potential to be part of the child's life. You've denied them both that opportunity and you're now wondering if you can continue to hide it from them both as it will be easier for you?!!

This means nothing really. Most ginger people don't have all ginger kids. And blonde kids often go brunette with age.

If you’d never had sex with your partners best friend why were you doing a dna test on your daughter?

Almost everyone I knew had sex before 17 and went out to clubs at that age a decade ago!

It's not good, but it's not a crime. It's literally not a crime as he was over 16 and she wasn't in a position of power.

Lol at the poster suggesting 17 year olds shouldn’t be having sex. Why?!

I think you need to find out and you do need to tell both of them if you are right. You could test this child's DNA and that of her apparent full sister to see if they are a full sister match.
We have a lot of this sort of thing in our family and unfort it has never ended well for the kids involved. Growing up thinking one thing and then discovering as an adult something different - they feel betrayed things were kept a secret from them.

17 is literally a child. He cannot legally drink, vote etc. If you’re not a teen (or recently 20) then you shouldn’t date someone in their late teens. She, aged 22/23, found out he was 17 and still slept with him (OP said she kept it “under wraps” until it “fizzled out”). OP could just test the 2 ds and see if they have the same father.

To be honest, majority of our meeting up was initiated by him. There's no way that he was led or pressured to do anything he didn't want to do. And most of our meet ups would have happened after he turned 18 and then 19, although when we met he was 17. I think I was 22 going on 23.

@MissMaple82 nothing wrong with 17yo having consensual sex with someone who is 16-18yo. @TheWayoftheLeaf OP found out the boy was 17 and she continued to have sex with him “under wraps.” I think people aged 16-17 shouldn’t be having sex with someone who is more than 2 years older than them. 18-19yo shouldn’t have sex with someone more than 3 years older than them.

If you are all local to each other what is the possibility of your child and any children your on/off younger boyfriend has, meeting and getting together ?

Get your middle two children DNA tested to see if they are full siblings. Set your mind to rest one way or another.

He lives within a mile of me but he lives in a slightly nicer area than mine. The doctors I saw him in is also my doctors but it's right by his house where he lived when we were together so I'm assuming he's still living at home. As far as I'm aware he doesn't have children, but could be wrong.

What I meant by under wraps is that I kept it away from my family. Our friends knew and his dad knew and didn't mind. He used to tease him about his " older woman". But they never let his mum find out, she was living elsewhere.