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Original poster

To tell him or do I let this go?

234 replies

Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 09:27

I just want to say before I type this that this is a new account, but I have been on MN for years under basically the same user name but for a few digits. I had to start a new one under a new email address as had trouble getting back into the old one. So anyone is free to check that if this seems odd for a newish account.
A few years ago I met this guy on a night out. We had what I thought was a one night stand, but then a week later, bumped into him again in the same club and history repeated itself. He told me he was 19 and I had no reason to think otherwise. He looked 19, he was confident and was being served alcohol at the bar. He later admitted he was 17 and I felt bad about it but I liked him by then. I was 22 or 23 at the time.
I developed feelings for him and we wanted to be together but I was ashamed about the age gap and that he was a student when I was an adult woman with a young child, so kept it under wraps and it fizzled out eventually.
After a while I met a new partner and we later had a child together. We were argumentative and frequently split up and got back together. He was a bit abusive in some ways and I wasn't happy but found it hard to leave. So, I started texting this guy again and we met up and had sex and it led to a casual sex thing that went on for about 2 years, every time I split with my now ex, I would go back to this guy. I wanted there to be more between us, he did too, but we were afraid of other people's reactions.
I went on to have another child with my ex when we got back together.
Everyone comments she looks nothing like him. I'm now married to someone else and ex isn't in my children's lives at all anymore.
I recently saw this guy in my doctors surgery. He lives relatively local to me but we've never crossed paths. This was the first time in years. I saw him looking at me but we never spoke. I can't stop thinking how much my child looks like him. He will have moved on and I'm a distant memory now and he won't be expecting this. He deserves to know but I don't know if this is just opening up a can of worms. She has a father figure, my husband and doesn't need the confusion, but I'm unsure what to do. I feel shame around the fact I potentially had a baby with a teenage guy, although he would have been around 19 when I conceived. And she could be my ex's although she looks nothing like him, or me for that matter.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 21/06/2022 09:29

Im not clear that you’re even sure if he is the dad??

11Hawkins · 21/06/2022 09:30

Please just tell them both and do a dna test. Not for your sake. Not for your exes sake. But for your child's sake.

Original poster
Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 09:41

I haven't been in contact with my ex for years now and don't want him to kick off again. He's laid dormant for a while but the slightest thing will rile him up and he'll make my life hell. I know the street the young guy lives on but I'm not in contact anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 12:25

Bump

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 21/06/2022 12:30

I wouldn't do anything. What's to gain ?

Itwasntmeright · 21/06/2022 12:33

Honestly I’d just leave it. Everybody is happy with the status quo and it’s not worth digging up old skeletons, you might not even be right. Think about what you might unleash, is it really worth the hassle?

secrets aren’t great, but sometimes they are the lesser of evils.

Pyewhacket · 21/06/2022 12:34

Just leave it.

Chikapu · 21/06/2022 12:38

Leave it alone. Absolutely no one will benefit from you opening this can of worms unless you're hoping to get back together with this guy again?

Original poster
Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 12:38

Thanks, yeah my thinking is that it's best to leave it. I think too much time has passed. I just feel a bit bad that's it's my own shame about being with this young guy that's the main reason. My family would be so shocked. He was in sixth form when we met and I was a single mum with a child. It all sounds so bad.

OP posts:
thelastshadowpuppet · 21/06/2022 12:40

You had sex with a child.....wtf.

Original poster
Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 12:40

I thought he was 19, I was only 22 myself.

OP posts:
crabbitmaw · 21/06/2022 12:41

You don't seem to have even suspected a paternity issue up until now, so why would you disrupt at least three peoples' lives for what seems to be a passing thought?

You mention you had this other child when you got back together with your ex. Were you still having sex with the other guy at the same time? You seem to have omitted some pretty vital information from your OP.

crabbitmaw · 21/06/2022 12:43

Also, if the places were switched and a man had alot of sex with a minor and used the "she told me she was 19, she looked 19" line, it really wouldn't wash. You found out and continued to do it.

Original poster
Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 12:44

I've always thought there was a chance but never wanted to deal with it. And yes we were on and off a lot and there were times I went with this other guy. As far as I remember there were one or 2 times we were together after I got back with ex.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 21/06/2022 12:45

I’m surprised at these comments when usually the consensus on mn is that a child always deserves to know who their father is.

Sapphirensteel · 21/06/2022 12:45

What would be the benefit of telling this lad he might be your child’s father?
If you do DNA tests and it proves he is how will your husband react? Will he be bothered or would you not tell him?
You wouldn’t need to contact your ex husband as if the teen lad isn’t the father I assume your ex must be?
Personally I’d leave well alone, too many people to upset ( depending on your child’s age, she might be upset or just bewildered)
If your not 100% sure you can cope with the fallout, maybe best to leave alone?

Hellhaven · 21/06/2022 12:47

Do dna on both your children to see if they have the same father? You could do that without anyone knowing except yourself surely? At the very least you'd get the answer you seem to want to know

Original poster
Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 12:51

crabbitmaw · 21/06/2022 12:43

Also, if the places were switched and a man had alot of sex with a minor and used the "she told me she was 19, she looked 19" line, it really wouldn't wash. You found out and continued to do it.

He was over the age of consent, I was young myself and I had feelings for him.

OP posts:
TwuntyFriend · 21/06/2022 12:52

thelastshadowpuppet · 21/06/2022 12:40

You had sex with a child.....wtf.

Hardly a child. He was 17, which is over the age of consent. And the OP stated she didn't even know he was 17 at the time.

Original poster
Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 12:57

Sapphirensteel · 21/06/2022 12:45

What would be the benefit of telling this lad he might be your child’s father?
If you do DNA tests and it proves he is how will your husband react? Will he be bothered or would you not tell him?
You wouldn’t need to contact your ex husband as if the teen lad isn’t the father I assume your ex must be?
Personally I’d leave well alone, too many people to upset ( depending on your child’s age, she might be upset or just bewildered)
If your not 100% sure you can cope with the fallout, maybe best to leave alone?

My husband knows I'm unsure on her paternity but thinks I should leave it. I don't think it will benefit him, the time has passed to tell him. I'm just wondering if I'm right to do that.

OP posts:
thelastshadowpuppet · 21/06/2022 13:00

And the OP stated she didn't even know he was 17 at the time.

Oh well that's ok then.

OP, your child has a right to know. It's the right thing to do.

The truth will come out in the end, it will be easier all round if it came out now.

Nothing has to change really but everyone involved should know the truth.

Good luck.

Springdaisy · 21/06/2022 13:01

17 and 22 isnt crazy. And he wasnt a child. Totally fine.
i would also test the 2 kids to see if they are full siblings. That way you will know without getting anyone involved and based on the result you can decide who to tell.

WhatIsThisPlease · 21/06/2022 13:03

Why not do a DNA test on both your DC and see if they are full siblings rather than half siblings. That way, you get to find out without involving your ex.

KangarooKenny · 21/06/2022 13:03

I don’t think you should leave it, your child has a right to know.

Ifeelitinmyfingersifeelitmy · 21/06/2022 13:09

I understand the ‘easiest’ thing would be to leave it alone but for that to happen, you need to be happy that your child may not know who her real father is and you need to then live with that your whole life. The worst thing you can do is have regrets in 30 years time and tell her ‘this guy might be your dad but I was never sure’.