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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off with dh

83 replies

CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 09:20

Ugh small fathers day rant!

Dh is really difficult to do anything celebratory for.

For example, he doesn't want anything for birthdays or Christmas etc. He returns EVERYTHING and just (very sweetly tbf) says spend it on something for yourself, I don't need it.

So now, I only buy him consumables or take him out for a meal or whatever for birthdays and Christmas.

Father's Day on Sunday, I asked him a week ago if he wanted anything in particular. Obviously he said no. So I said would he like to go out for a meal or have a takeaway or shall I cook him something nice. The kids wanted to have a family meal together so we wanted to know what he would like to eat. We also got him wine and fancy chocolates which I know he likes. He refused to answer us. And I don't mean "oh anything will do, it will all be lovely", I mean a rude "not now, I'm not deciding now". Dd (7) even did a little paper questionnaire thing and he wouldn't look at it. He was such a miserable git about it all.

Anyway, I went to the shops and bought him things to make his favourite meal in case he wanted it (fancy steak and peppercorn sauce, including a very bloody expensive organic steak which I don't even eat as don't eat beef). Anyway, misery guts wouldn't tell me what he wanted and the kids ended up eating their tea early as normal and then we put them to bed. Dh said he didn't want any food after that and just plonked himself on the sofa drinking wine (not the wine we'd bought him) and eating crisps.

Annoying, but it was his day so didn't want to stop him doing what he wanted.

I wasn't well last night and had to go to bed early. Dh put the kids to bed, (which he's annoyed about having to do on his own, I can tell). Then he made himself fajitas with an old el paso fajita kit and....the ££££ steak.

A bit irksome to me, but not my business - it was his treat so he was free to vandalise it with shitty old el paso if he wants to.

What has annoyed me is he's only eaten half of it and left it out, still in the pan, all night!

I went and said to him this morning in a jokey way "did you use that lovingly selected organic steak to make fajitas and then leave it out all night" and he said "yyyyyyyyyupppp 😏" all pleased with himself 🤨

He claims he will eat it anyway, but he's just gone to work (I'm wfh today) and the fajita mix is still there on the stove!

I'm pissed off with his rudeness. Aibu?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 21/06/2022 09:29

Fathers day is not for sitting on the sofa eating crisps when you have small kids who want to do something with/for you, though. He needs to apologise for ignoring them.

As for the fajitas - leave them there. Just leave them until they are green and mouldy. (put a lid on to avoid flies though)

And just stop. Christmas? nothing (or wine/chocolate), birthday same. No effort on your part, no going out nothing.

he's being a knob.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/06/2022 09:32

He is being horrible. Really horrible. He could have said to the kids that he didnt need any special food as he was happy celebrating with them with a biscuit and he would love it if they made him a cup of tea to go with it or something. Fair enough if he doesn't want a fuss but if the kids do want a fuss he could at least talk about a very small token or say no thank you nicely. What an arse. I'd be eating the chocolates I got him and not making any special effort in future

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 09:41

He's such a weirdo about presents and always has been. His mum was always tearing her hair out about it when we were dating, because he just wouldn't discuss it.

The food stuff is a new low. He is getting even more reluctant about anything which could be even slightly celebratory and i have no idea why that is

OP posts:
11Hawkins · 21/06/2022 09:43

Father's Day is about spending time with your kids.

Not sitting their ignoring them. He doesn't sound like a very good dad.

Notmytiep · 21/06/2022 09:43

For example, he doesn't want anything for birthdays or Christmas etc. He returns EVERYTHING and just (very sweetly tbf) says spend it on something for yourself, I don't need it.

I TOTALLY get the this part. I threw my DH a surprise party for this birthday and you should have seen his reaction, he was a bit embarrassed he said and he said "I shouldn't have done anything as its a waste of money". I felt like shit cuz I worked so hard and spent so much on that bloody party.

Thing is he does so much for us and he never wants anything. I just wanted to do something nice for him on a milestone birthday as a show of appreciation.

After a few years of being together I now know not to waste my time with gifts etc and I just take him out for a nice meal which he loves.

But to tbf your DH was acting a bit mad if you ask me, he could have at-least pretended to excited etc even if its just for fathers day. But don't hold it against him too much, some people just don't like gifts. They have other love languages.

HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 09:46

What's he like when it's someone else's celebration?

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 09:49

He did spend time with the kids during the day and he did organise it himself - this is the thing, he wouldn't have let me do it FOR him! I remember my mum being the same about celebrations for her weirdly enough.

It's so annoying and he is quite a nervous type and not outgoing or gregarious really. So, you just get a muted "thank you" (blink and you miss it) for gifts, which is not me at all. I at least act excited if someone buys me something.

I do think it's just a personality thing, but he comes off as a right miserable bastard and it's infuriating for me.

His sisters have awful manners as well, so think it might be how they were raised although mil is lovely. I blame FIL

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 21/06/2022 09:51

Oh - this does sound a bit shit. Because Father’s Day at that level is as much for the kids as it is for him and he could’ve made a bit of an effort to be “up” for their sakes. Honestly - I’d just leave it in future. Do nothing. “Oh - you know what your dad’s like!” - make a joke of it.

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 09:53

HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 09:46

What's he like when it's someone else's celebration?

Still a bit weird. He won't organise anything which he might think is Too Much Fuss. With the kids he will definitely prefer to do less is more and also hates someone else (me) arranging it all as it panics him.

I've messaged him to ask if he seriously wants me to put the fajita mix in the fridge and he said bin it but then did say sorry and he'd meant to sort it.

I've said he could have been a bit more gracious and next time just explicitly say he wants nothing at all including a meal and explain that to dcs nicely

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 09:56

What an insufferable prick. I couldn't tolerate that behaviour.

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 09:56

WimpoleHat · 21/06/2022 09:51

Oh - this does sound a bit shit. Because Father’s Day at that level is as much for the kids as it is for him and he could’ve made a bit of an effort to be “up” for their sakes. Honestly - I’d just leave it in future. Do nothing. “Oh - you know what your dad’s like!” - make a joke of it.

That's what his poor mum has always done. Laughed it off and it's the family joke "Mr Cake just looooves discussing Christmas and giving me lists of present haha" and so on.

Now I see why! I think chocolates and wine and nothing else from now on. Breakfast in bed actually - we did manage to get that into him as one, he cannot resist a bacon sandwich and two, he was in bed so we just put a tray on top of him so he couldn't get up 😂 (he did try. Not even kidding)

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 21/06/2022 10:06

CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 09:41

He's such a weirdo about presents and always has been. His mum was always tearing her hair out about it when we were dating, because he just wouldn't discuss it.

The food stuff is a new low. He is getting even more reluctant about anything which could be even slightly celebratory and i have no idea why that is

So leave him alone then.

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 10:09

I'm just doing very low key from now on @RedHelenB . Just wanted a little rant about it on here, as it was quite hurtful to see him ignoring a seven year old who was trying to do something nice for him. He can say no thank you but he doesn't have to be so ill mannered about it.

OP posts:
FOJN · 21/06/2022 10:14

Why do you keep trying to force him to celebrate in a way you think is appropriate for the occasion? He's clearly not into it so I think you should leave him alone. I can't believe you think effectively pinning him under a breakfast tray is a win. He spent time with the children on father's Day and they wouldn't think his behaviour was unusual if you stopped trying to turn it into an event.

I think it's reasonable to ask him to take some enthusiasm for celebrating other family members events but surely he gets to chose how he celebrates.

TBH your approach would really annoy me. You have different approaches to celebrations that's all, it should not be such a big deal.

FOJN · 21/06/2022 10:15

fake some enthusiasm

ClaryFairchild · 21/06/2022 10:22

I would be so tempted to cut him out of all celebrations for awhile, including your own and the DC's, the miserable git. Sometimes you have to suck it up because things give pleasure for your family who you're supposed to love, and if he cannot do that then he doesn't deserve sharing other's happiness...

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 10:23

FOJN · 21/06/2022 10:14

Why do you keep trying to force him to celebrate in a way you think is appropriate for the occasion? He's clearly not into it so I think you should leave him alone. I can't believe you think effectively pinning him under a breakfast tray is a win. He spent time with the children on father's Day and they wouldn't think his behaviour was unusual if you stopped trying to turn it into an event.

I think it's reasonable to ask him to take some enthusiasm for celebrating other family members events but surely he gets to chose how he celebrates.

TBH your approach would really annoy me. You have different approaches to celebrations that's all, it should not be such a big deal.

Hmmm I do see your point and I was clearly joking about the tray! I just meant that he was just presented with breakfast and he ate it. He did try to say he didn't need breakfast in bed, which nobody needs, but it's meant to be nice.

I did offer him choices as you see from my op and when he chose no meal, no presents other than consumables and just wanted to sit on the sofa eating crisps and drinking wine on his own, I respected that. My issue is his manners. You can say no without being rude. You can say thank you for the offer but I'd rather not have a meal together instead of just saying "I'm not deciding now" and looking irritated and refusing to look at dd questionnaire thing. BTW the questionnaire thing is something he did for me for mother's day which is where dd got the idea, so wasn't a weird thing to do in oir family.

It is weird and rude how he reacts to being asked what he would like to do. Nobody is forcing him into anything. Quite the opposite. If he doesn't want fuss that's fine, but I cannot read his mind and not even ask him. Because the asking is what irritates him, not the things just presented to him.

I'd love to know why it is he reacts like this, as it isn't anything I've known anyone else to do tbh. But I won't try to find out, as I'll get nowhere

OP posts:
Goldfishjones · 21/06/2022 10:27

He's a ride prick.

But if he doesn't want to celebrate then why force it on him? Asking him what he wants to do/eat puts all the decisions on him and can be stressful and if he doesn't even want it then why put everyone through that? Just get the kids to make a card and give it to him with a cup of tea in bed.

I hate Mother's Day, I would hate everyone organising the whole day around me and making me the centre of attention. (My family treats me very well, if I felt under appreciated maybe it would be different!)

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 10:27

ClaryFairchild · 21/06/2022 10:22

I would be so tempted to cut him out of all celebrations for awhile, including your own and the DC's, the miserable git. Sometimes you have to suck it up because things give pleasure for your family who you're supposed to love, and if he cannot do that then he doesn't deserve sharing other's happiness...

I'm certainly organising more stuff for me and the kids without discussing it with him. His knee jerk reaction to anything remotely festive is "no" head shake and a panicked, disapproving glower. So we'll just do fun stuff the three of us.

It's the same with family meals in the week. Sometimes if it's just there when he gets home, he eats it, but if I say "I might cook X for us all tonight" he squirms and looks like he wants to run. I wonder if he hates family meals because of something in his past? No idea. But I'll just cater for kids and leave some for him without the discussion. It's the discussion which he clearly thinks is some sort of unnecessary fanfare.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 10:30

It's just a bit sad really. We live nowhere near my family and that's due to his work. I don't have anyone else to do family celebrations with, and he clearly finds them really stressful, so can't do them at all. It's sad for dcs as well, especially dd who loves a bit of festivity. But maybe little parties for three will be the way forward

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 21/06/2022 10:41

He’s a spiteful, calculated fun sponge.

FOJN · 21/06/2022 10:44

It is weird and rude how he reacts to being asked what he would like to do. Nobody is forcing him into anything. Quite the opposite. If he doesn't want fuss that's fine, but I cannot read his mind and not even ask him. Because the asking is what irritates him, not the things just presented to him.

I would agree he's being quite passive aggressive with you, the fajitas left in the pan for example, but from what you've written it's seems like he's always been this way and you are not getting the message. He doesn't want gifts or a fuss, stop asking and stop planning things as if he'll be pissed off if you don't make an effort. Stop doing nice things at him and then feeling let down when he's not grateful for things he didn't ask for.

Original poster
CakeByTheOceanCocktail · 21/06/2022 10:49

Well the food thing is new actually. He used to let us do meals together, he just didn't like material presents, which I stopped doing when I quickly got that message.

Fun sponge? Yep. Pretty much ATM. Poor dcs. He's like father bloody stone these days. He's only 37 as well! Maybe there is something actually a bit wrong like depression, but don't know. He's an irritable, miserable git ATM.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 21/06/2022 10:54

God he sounds like a miserable shit. What a shame for the kids, that he can't even plaster a smile on his face for their sakes. Honestly I couldn't and wouldn't put up with that crap, fair enough if he doesn't like a fuss that's fine but to not even say what he wants to eat or let the kids join in with a dinner on father's day is just sad.

Brefugee · 21/06/2022 10:55

He sounds as though is anxiety around these things is getting worse which may or may not be related to you trying to push things on him?

In future just leave him out of it all. Let the DCs make him a card or whatever and make sure he is gracious about receiving it (prep him beforehand if he really can't do it spontaneously - he MUST learn to be nice to his own bloody children or they'll stop wanting to do nice things for him, which may suit him, on reflection?)

But from you? Just don't. Nothing. You are both so totally different in this respect it seems quite mean to be pushing things on him (from you - from the DCs it's a bit different). When it's his birthday, Christmas or Fathers' day in future? let the DCs drive it, they will learn how far to go with these things for him.

For you - have at it, parties, presents, cards, breakfast in bed, meals out. Whatever you fancy. For your DCs? you know them, so you know if they take more after you or more after your DH.