Pissed off with dh

[CakeByTheOceanCocktail]

Ugh small fathers day rant!

Dh is really difficult to do anything celebratory for.

For example, he doesn't want anything for birthdays or Christmas etc. He returns EVERYTHING and just (very sweetly tbf) says spend it on something for yourself, I don't need it.

So now, I only buy him consumables or take him out for a meal or whatever for birthdays and Christmas.

Father's Day on Sunday, I asked him a week ago if he wanted anything in particular. Obviously he said no. So I said would he like to go out for a meal or have a takeaway or shall I cook him something nice. The kids wanted to have a family meal together so we wanted to know what he would like to eat. We also got him wine and fancy chocolates which I know he likes. He refused to answer us. And I don't mean "oh anything will do, it will all be lovely", I mean a rude "not now, I'm not deciding now". Dd (7) even did a little paper questionnaire thing and he wouldn't look at it. He was such a miserable git about it all.

Anyway, I went to the shops and bought him things to make his favourite meal in case he wanted it (fancy steak and peppercorn sauce, including a very bloody expensive organic steak which I don't even eat as don't eat beef). Anyway, misery guts wouldn't tell me what he wanted and the kids ended up eating their tea early as normal and then we put them to bed. Dh said he didn't want any food after that and just plonked himself on the sofa drinking wine (not the wine we'd bought him) and eating crisps.

Annoying, but it was his day so didn't want to stop him doing what he wanted.

I wasn't well last night and had to go to bed early. Dh put the kids to bed, (which he's annoyed about having to do on his own, I can tell). Then he made himself fajitas with an old el paso fajita kit and....the ££££ steak.

A bit irksome to me, but not my business - it was his treat so he was free to vandalise it with shitty old el paso if he wants to.

What has annoyed me is he's only eaten half of it and left it out, still in the pan, all night!

I went and said to him this morning in a jokey way "did you use that lovingly selected organic steak to make fajitas and then leave it out all night" and he said "yyyyyyyyyupppp 😏" all pleased with himself 🤨

He claims he will eat it anyway, but he's just gone to work (I'm wfh today) and the fajita mix is still there on the stove!

I'm pissed off with his rudeness. Aibu?

Oh don't worry, I won't do it again.

I've told him so as well, as he clearly finds it too much.

It's sad, but I do think meal times, bigget celebrations etc will have to be separate affairs from now on. That's pretty eccentric for a married couple in my book, but he is who he is.

Are you happy to stay with him ? Sounds rude and vile. You don't want the kids to start copying him or think it's ok.
I'd leave him out of everything in future.

not so eccentric, tho, i have a few couples as friends and more than one has a partner (not always the man) who is event/gift avoidant. They just stay away mostly. My SIL is married to a man who does nothing and goes nowhere. I didn't even see him for the first 15 years i knew them, and I'd been in their house. I once saw him scoot into the kitchen when we were there for a visit and asked if i should go in and say "hi" but my DH and SIL said "nope, he can't handle it". I did eventually see him once or twice, but that's it. And i have been married for nearly 3 decades.

It is what it is. But if you think he's maybe depressed the only thing you can do is encourage him to seek help.

Not 100% sure at this very moment, however, I am pissed off with him, so it is no time to be making statements I may regret later.

He has got awful manners and is very ungracious, but so are his dad and sisters. I do think it's a combination of being very nervous, less sociable people and also bad manners. The first two things, they can't help, but I will not tolerate rudeness from anyone for long in my own home.

Why do you keep organising him. Stop! Just stop doing it, even when he's made it crystal clear he doesn't want anything you still go with a back up plan (the steak), just stop it all. You even did it with the left overs, why didn't you just leave it on the stove and let him sort it out. If he makes himself sick or it goes mouldy, that's his look out, why are you still organising him. He's a grown man ffs.

He does however sound like a miserable sod, and yes Father's Day is about the kids and not him (especially when you've got young children), but you can't force him to do anything, let him disappoint the kids, he'll lose out in the end

I find what you've described as highly unusual.

If it got to that point with dh I don't think I'd stay with him.

Possibly that's workable when you have a good support network around you, but my support network is on another land mass! So that would not be something I would accept.

Why did you not cook the stuff you'd bought for dinner?

The kids wanted a Family Meal With Daddy; so why did you make them a separate tea and pack them off to bed?

If he starts saying "oh I don't need you to do anything" you reply "it's Not About You [dickhead]"

Well, because I don't want to (checks notes) "force him" into sitting down for dinner when he'd said he didn't want it. He'd said he didn't want it already. Kids needed fed. He wouldn't say what he wanted to eat (not what the kids had and not the fecking steak though), so we ended up not doing anything 🤷‍♀️

Really weird. He is funny with dinner time in general. He's very slim naturally and not worried about his weight at all, so it isn't a diet thing. He will just put off eating till really late at night and will not discuss it till then. Anything suggested before he's hungry, he screws his face up at.

Anyway, per most peopes advice on here, I'm "leaving him alone" / "excluding him" depending on how you want to frame it, from now on. He'll either love it or something else will become a problem. Will see

It sounds like he's checking out of family life and starting by avoiding celebrations and family meals. I'd be having words about the poor example he is setting your children and the impact on you and the DCs. The fact that you are having to deal with it by no longer doing things as a family is so sad. You might as well be a single parent. Maybe he'd put his kids first more if he only saw them half the week...

If it got to that point with dh I don't think I'd stay with him.

I think we all have to decide what we are prepared to put up with to have the good bits, IYSWIM?

I can't stand rudeness, and my OH has a tendency sometimes to talk over others. I used to get embarassed but say nothing - now i say "but Dave was talking" and he stops. He grew up like that and nobody ever pulled him up on it.

As for the invisible BIL and others: SIL has her own network of friends and a big family and she just got used to doing things without him. She would rather not make him uncomfortable by trying to force him to go (wouldn't have worked anyway) and she didn't want to miss out. What she never allowed were people do do the "poor you" thing. She shut that down and just enjoyed herself. They did also do things together, as a family, with close family members (not me, and that's fine) that he was comfortable with and they've been married 45 years no so i guess it works for them. Some of my friends are ok with their partner never showing up, some are having problems because of it. But it is definitely, out of about 10 couples we regularly socialise with, at least 3. And one where they decide at the last minute so we never plan for them. It isn't what I'd like but presumably they're ok with it or not.

Honestly, when he's been a grumpy arse in the past and tried to talk to him, I've got absolutely nowhere. Because, and this is completely sensible, he says he cannot force cheerfulness. He can't and the more pressure you feel, the less cheerful you feel.

I just take issue with his manners. You don't have to be swinging from the chandeliers to have good manners and not be rude to me, the kids, people we have visiting or whatever. Being attentive, a warm thank you and a smile is the bare minimum for a grown man with no known ND. If he can't bear to receive any presents at all, he has to say that instead of squirming and running off like a timid 5 year old

I think he has some anxiety issues that he need help with, and they sound like they are getting worse (the whole panicked response bit.

i think a sit down conversation at a neutral moment and ask him to explain why he does this/see if he understands its not a normal response to his children especially. Ask him to find a therapist to help him work on it.

The thing about anxiety is that if you dont address it it just continually gets worse and worse

You kept things about as low-key as possible and he was still really fucking weird about it and yes, totally rude to you and his kids. If you'd been trying to make him go to a party or have a big dinner out with loads of people or something, that would be different, but you were literally just saying 'Let's have a nice dinner with the kids on Sunday'. You must feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells with him if he acts like that's something difficult for him.

It's not like this is a social anxiety or shyness thing - if it was, it would be more understandable, but he cannot possibly have social anxiety relating to eating a steak with his own wife and kids, can he? And there is no excuse for his rudeness. His kids must feel quite rejected at times.

What's he like if the kids, say, draw a picture for him or bring home something they've made at school? Does he ignore/say he 'doesn't need' that sort of thing too? Or is it only meals or purchased gifts that he rudely rejects?

This. Not everyone likes these forced celebrations. We haven't ever done mother's/father's/valentine's day in our house.
Having said that, he sound generally a grumpy arse in other areas as well.

He says thank you for pictures etc, but in the same way he says thank you for anything. A nod and a curt thank you. He is pretty ungracious but it always read to me as extremely reserved. Now I think he is just quite rude.

I'm cross with him though, so it does taint my judgement. I'll wait and see how he is later. But I'm doing dinner for me and the kids together and he can do whatever.

He was always shit at big celebrations, like weddings, parties etc. But it's truly weird that he is now like this with his own family.

He doesn't have any good friends even though we live near where he grew up, so I know he isn't sociable and I just accept that and don't force social gatherings on him. But refusing to socialise the only people you see socially (us, his family) is batshit. It just is.

As to anxieties and bringing it up to him.to seek help. I will try, but anticipate he will think I'm being critical and nagging him

Oh god. My husband isn't into celebrations and is a fucking nightmare to buy for because he hates "stuff" but even he managed to put a smile on for our son on Father's Day.

The more you post about him the more selfish and unattractive he sounds. You must have the patience of a Saint to tolerate his behaviour.

I think there's a couple of possibilities here. Maybe he is rude or maybe he's feeling do anxious a curt thanks is all he can manage. Anxiety can stop you being able to even speak and eat, make you feel like you're going to vomit. Anxiety can look like rudeness.

I was never a big fan of birthdays for myself, happy to celebrate others. Surprises make me really anxious. A card, cake and takeaway is all I need. Things are a bit different as H hasn't just refused to listen he's actively pushed me and then been actively nasty when I went along with HIS planned surprise. I've been very very clear about what I want and he won't listen, so I've put on a good face for years, tried to be gracious in front of the DC, finally snapped and told him that I wasn't going along with his plans this year because I'd had enough.

Your DHs behaviour seems a lot more extreme, but maybe his anxiety is a lot worse around this, or he wasn't raised to be a people pleaser like me, but I do think you should have respected his wishes before now. You said he had breaky in bed, then did an activity with the DC, so he did celebrate, dinner could have been just too much. If this is making him feel a lot of anxiety then it's really not Ok to expect him to suck it up and say thank you when you've repeatedly ignored his needs. If it's anxiety he may be able to participate more in celebrations when you respect his wishes and keep it very casual, or he might not. If his mum when he was a child and now you haven't respected his wishes then the anxiety around that would tend to worse. If he is anxious to that extent he should seek help, but that's a whole other thread. Only he knows what's driving this, he might just be grumpy and rude, only he knows what's driving this.

The pandemic and lockdown made my social anxiety a lot worse. If he has anxiety it's possible thats a big part of why things have gotten worse.

Anxiety? It sounds like miserable fucker syndrome to me.

I would be really angry at him because of the kids. They get excited to give presents then just get a curse thank you. He needs to make an effort even if it is just for the kids. Bloody selfish behaviour

Oh dear, he could probably do with some serious counselling.

If I did try to play the armchair psychologist, I’d say that he must feel unworthy of being celebrated and gifted with things.

He might be experiencing a sever anxiety around festive occasions, maybe due to something happening to him on one of those occasions in the past - something traumatic, embarrassing, shameful etc. Which caused him to feel uncomfortable in those situations, for himself and for others.

I think having kids can bring up some deep rooted trauma to the surface, even more than before. You see your kids going though different things and you might relieve and revisit some unpleasant things from your own childhood, getting a second hand embarrassment, shame, fear, etc.

You said his siblings are the same, I mean it can’t be a coincidence surely?

Maybe he’s genuinely got a phobia of “happy occasions” and he’s trying to avoid it at all costs (as you do with phobias).

this is making him feel a lot of anxiety then it's really not Ok to expect him to suck it up and say thank you when you've repeatedly ignored his needs

Eh...what?! I didn't expect him to suck it up. I had a standby meal on hand in case he wanted it. Because he usually does like food based gifts. I haven't ignored his needs. He didn't explain he didn't want anything. He just swatted us away when we asked what he wanted. He got what he wanted on fathers day and I'm fine with that. It's all there in my op. He organised the activity, then couldn't handle eating with his wife and kids so he got to eat a family bag of crisps on the sofa instead - that was all fine with me as I said. I don't care if he doesn't want a fuss. I would never railroad him into it, and I clearly didn't. But he needs to communicate that, at least to our dcs, in a way which isn't rude and irritable. And the way he was about it this morning. Seriously, the only smile he got out of fathers day was when he proudly confirmed he had wasted the expensive steak.

If his anxiety is so extreme that he cannot even speak nicely to a seven year old girl that it isn't her fault he cannot bring himself to even look at what she'd made for him, then he definitely needs help that I can't provide.

Is it safe to say he's always been like this.

Never shown excitement, never been the life and soul of parties, ect.

Maybe that's just his personality, and you can't change that.

His behaviour over the steak was nasty.

His sulking because he put the DC to bed on his own isn't ok either.

Anxiety or not he is being unkind and unloving to his DC behaving like that.

How long before he has completely opted out of family life because it's not the worth the punishment when he has to do something he doesn't want to!