Pissed off with dh

[CakeByTheOceanCocktail]

Ugh small fathers day rant!

Dh is really difficult to do anything celebratory for.

For example, he doesn't want anything for birthdays or Christmas etc. He returns EVERYTHING and just (very sweetly tbf) says spend it on something for yourself, I don't need it.

So now, I only buy him consumables or take him out for a meal or whatever for birthdays and Christmas.

Father's Day on Sunday, I asked him a week ago if he wanted anything in particular. Obviously he said no. So I said would he like to go out for a meal or have a takeaway or shall I cook him something nice. The kids wanted to have a family meal together so we wanted to know what he would like to eat. We also got him wine and fancy chocolates which I know he likes. He refused to answer us. And I don't mean "oh anything will do, it will all be lovely", I mean a rude "not now, I'm not deciding now". Dd (7) even did a little paper questionnaire thing and he wouldn't look at it. He was such a miserable git about it all.

Anyway, I went to the shops and bought him things to make his favourite meal in case he wanted it (fancy steak and peppercorn sauce, including a very bloody expensive organic steak which I don't even eat as don't eat beef). Anyway, misery guts wouldn't tell me what he wanted and the kids ended up eating their tea early as normal and then we put them to bed. Dh said he didn't want any food after that and just plonked himself on the sofa drinking wine (not the wine we'd bought him) and eating crisps.

Annoying, but it was his day so didn't want to stop him doing what he wanted.

I wasn't well last night and had to go to bed early. Dh put the kids to bed, (which he's annoyed about having to do on his own, I can tell). Then he made himself fajitas with an old el paso fajita kit and....the ££££ steak.

A bit irksome to me, but not my business - it was his treat so he was free to vandalise it with shitty old el paso if he wants to.

What has annoyed me is he's only eaten half of it and left it out, still in the pan, all night!

I went and said to him this morning in a jokey way "did you use that lovingly selected organic steak to make fajitas and then leave it out all night" and he said "yyyyyyyyyupppp 😏" all pleased with himself 🤨

He claims he will eat it anyway, but he's just gone to work (I'm wfh today) and the fajita mix is still there on the stove!

I'm pissed off with his rudeness. Aibu?

Being attentive, a warm thank you and a smile is the bare minimum for a grown man with no known ND. If he can't bear to receive any presents at all, he has to say that instead of squirming and running off like a timid 5 year old

OP this is a really good point and only you will know if it is worth actually saying this to him? The thing is he must know that this behaviour is a) not normal (as in what most people do) and b) very rude.

As a parent you should be teaching your children good manners, and modelling that type of behaviour. He owes it to your DCs to at least put on a bit of a show if only for that, never mind hurting their feelings. But you also need to manage their expectations in respect of "feedback" from him for the things they do.

Yep. Some people don't like a fuss being made on special occasions and some people don't like receiving presents. Nothing wrong with either of those things so long as they are clear about their desires (or lack of) and polite about them.

Ignoring the kids and being a miserable so and so are the issues here.

This is what I’m thinking too. All of this sounds familiar from friends that I know who have been thru it.

Ugh tbh I couldn't care less if he checks out of family life. He can honestly do one with his attitude lately.

I'm looking at this another way.

Why do you buy him stuff? He clearly does not want it or enjoy it. This is not new behaviour either by the sounds of it. He doesn't want presents or fuss so why do you keep enforcing it on him?

Why do your wishes for a celebration trump his not to celebrate?

The steak thing is just nasty cuntery.

What gets to me the most though is that he treated his little girl like shit when she wanted to interact with him. Poor kids.

I think I'd be asking him why he wouldn't look at the little handmade questionnaire given by the 7 year old? Then I would move on to ask him to consider how that rejection made her feel. He's a parent it's really not all about him wether it's Father's Day or not.

Seriously, the only smile he got out of fathers day was when he proudly confirmed he had wasted the expensive steak.

If his anxiety is so extreme that he cannot even speak nicely to a seven year old girl that it isn't her fault he cannot bring himself to even look at what she'd made for him, then he definitely needs help that I can't provide.

This is awful. He doesn’t give a shit, does he?

DH can be a bit like this. His parents were the same. "oh don't get us a card for Christmas/Birthday, we'll reuse last years" etc etc.
It got to the point where the now adult DC's would give him a lovely, well thought out gift and he would spent ten minutes telling them how they shouldn't waste their money on him etc. Ask him what he'd like for Christmas and he'd reply 'nothing, I don't need anything, save your money'.

In the end I lost my temper a bit, told him that he needed to accept gifts in the spirit of which they were given as it's upsetting for the kids to hear all his objections. Also told him he needed to actually tell people what it was he wanted to avoid pointless items and actually wasting money.

He did improve happily once he realised it was just as much about what the kids wanted as him.

I'm afraid I'm a bit like your DH. I don't know why but I HATE any celebrations for myself. Birthdays, Mother's Day. HATED planning my wedding, so embarrassing. If people try to plan a party for me I just feel so stressed that people are going out of their way for me. I used to not answer my phone on my birthday. On Christmas and Mother's day I have to make it all about the kids and then I'm ok. I'm not extremely shy or anything normally. So in this case I would have been avoiding the embarrassing topic that you were bringing up. I would have been proving to you (and myself) that I didn't need that fuss, I don't deserve or enjoy that fuss and I would act overly flippant about it to sort of throw water on the flame of fuss. All while being quietly embarrassed of myself.

I wouldn’t put up with it and I would be livid he was so rude to the dc

he isn’t a good dad and what a horrible role model for your dc

The bit that got me was your DD's little paper questionnaire. She wrote out a form to try and coax the info out of him and he still ignored her. He's been a total dick about it. I would be very tempted to totally ignore his birthday. To ven make a plan to do something else and not involve him, but that would be childish. Gift giving is about both sides, not just him.

He is a cunt who dislikes his family. He is happy to be horrible to his daughter and give you the only smile of the day when he has wasted an expensive steak that you carefully selected for him. Yes, he punished you for that. He screws up his face when you offer him food and sulks if he has to put the kids to bed on his own. What a fucking prince - I would be showing this selfish piece of shit the door.

This goes way beyond not wanting a fuss, feeling undeserving or suffering from anxiety. His spite over the deliberately wasted steak shows that, as does ignoring his child.
He sounds like a rude, grumpy, unkind, eccentric man who has some real “issues”, but he is a FATHER and that means making a bit of effort for your kids. A father shouldn’t be able to just check out of family life because he doesn’t like some of the things you’re expected to do. Like being basic-level nice to your wife and kids.

That’s exactly what the steak thing was - punishment.

Some of us don't want our birthdays or other occasions to be "celebrated". Being given presents etc is excruciatingly embarassing. If he says don't do anything or don't make a fuss, then maybe the best gift would be to actually listen to him and take him seriously?

Is this normal behaviour? If not, there's probably something wrong with him. So, what's going on with him, in his head? Is he unwell? Fed up? Unhappy?

I'm not going to call him naanes, I think we should had all learned much more about mental wellbeing having spend 2 years managing the pandemic. But equally I'm not saying he hasn't acted like an AH.

I would talk to him after the kids have gone yo bed. Tell him you're a bit worried about him and see where this takes you. Don't get narky or defensive, stay middle of the road. Hopefully he'll open up, but if not, at least you've left the door open to talk to you when he's ready.

I think I said already in the op and afterwards that I do not buy him anything and haven't for some time.

I do food based things as he loves food and doesn't like accumulating physical things.

My wish to celebrate him doesn't trump his wish not to, but he needs to express that without acting like a cunt. And does our dad's feeling matter more than his? Actually, to me, yes, in this case, absolutely. So I won't be losing any sleep over me buying him a back up dinner on the off chance he wanted it since he wouldn't say either way 🤷‍♀️. He said he didn't want it on the day, which was after I'd bought it. Before that it was all "not now, not now" swat swat

Dd's*

Just totally ignore him for his next celebration. Nothing.

Next time don’t celebrate it
At 7 DD is old enough to understand that her father does not want to do Father’s Day my DF wouldn’t either for completely different reasons but also hated being the centre of attention due to his depression

I'd be sorely tempted to visit your family with DD for all important celebrations. He doesn't like them and you do, you both get what you want.

It's fine to not like celebrations or presents. It's not fine to model shitty selfishness to your small child.

Again, @JaceLancs , it isn't that he doesn't want a fuss. It's that he hasn't said that to anyone, including dd who then just gets swatted away. And he's rude. If he was less rude about it and explained it like a grown up, we'd be fine with it.

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett , but not really feasible as have to fly and it's ££££

He sounds like a miserable bastard. And not celebrating with young kids on Father's Day is horrible. Poor kids

I agree with this.

My DH is quite shy and quiet but he gets involved with things and does what DS wants etc. Because that is how you behave with children. And celebrates events like most people - he just needs an extra pint of beer to talk to strangers!

OP's husband sounds he can't be arsed making any effort. He sounds like a lodger in their house!