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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told husband to hire himself a nanny!

91 replies

Deepti7 · 21/06/2022 00:06

Married to DH for 24 years, he is a lazy man, mannerless and thinks the world revolves around him. He argues with me every time something needs to be done, or guests coming over or simply the house needs to be tidied. He expects me to clear up after him, and I refuse to do so, for the past 5 years, I've been standing my ground and don't want to be treated as a door mat. I have put up with his shit for years and enough is enough.

He has tantrums, shouts and uses foul language when he has an issue e.g. with what I've made for dinner after having worked 9 or 10 hours a day.

Both me and teen DS are fed up. This week I have let his behaviour and nasty comments get to me - "your ugly, can't stand to look at you, you're nothing, I'll divorce you ...etc". I'm also finding it difficult to make eye contact with neighbours, I'm embarrassed and feel humiliated each time this happens.

I really can't remember the last time I laughed openly, full heartedly, every day I feel like I'm on a treadmill, going through the motions and surviving. Sometimes I feel like my soul has shattered and feel extreme pain at night or simply feel numb early mornings.

I've made it clear to DH that I'm fed up and very unhappy in life with him. He is extremely dismissive every time I try to talk and blames me for everything.

He has told me to arrange house help, I have refused, as I already pay for a weekly cleaner and what he essentially needs is a nanny for himself who cooks and cleans after him. He is more than capable of arranging this himself as he works no more than 7 to 8 hours a day.

I'm just scared to make a bold move, confused almost feel like I'm in a never ending vicious cycle.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 00:09

My advice is to finally set a good example for your son and get rid of this vile, abusive arsehole. Your poor son has grown up witnessing this disaster, thinking it's normal. Show him decisively it's not.

Seeingadistance · 21/06/2022 00:09

Make an appointment to see a solicitor and get advice on divorce. Life is too short for this crap.

converseandjeans · 21/06/2022 00:09

Move out and leave him to it. He sounds horrible.

Weatherwax13 · 21/06/2022 00:13

Dear god woman. Divorce him! He's a disgrace: even your child can see it.

Immaterialatthispoint · 21/06/2022 00:19

Advice?! What advice do you think would help, except “divorce” ?

SpacePotato · 21/06/2022 00:24

What the fuck is keeping you tied to this man?????

Merryoldgoat · 21/06/2022 00:26

You need to leave him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/06/2022 00:29

I assume he has a solid gold cock and buys you diamond shoes every day, because otherwise I cannot see one single reason why you have given 24 years of your life to this loathesome, manky, arrogant piece of shit.

I have never met him and he is making my skin crawl so fuck knows how you manage to share air with him, never mind anything else.

You have posted here because you need the back up to do what you want and need to do but are too frightened to do.

I can tell you that no matter how lowly your home life may become after leaving him (not saying it will but you are probably worrying about that) it will still be INFINITELY better than the half life you are living now. Sweetie do it, if not for you, but for your son and for your son's future partner and children who may get treated the same as that is all your son knows about how to be a man........

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/06/2022 00:32

Yep, here to say the same as everyone else. Divorce him! What on earth does he bring to your life?

Sounds like you have your own means and a teen ds isn’t going to get in the way of you earning, so get the property divided up in a divorce and put him behind you.

perhaps he does need a nanny to look after him - I’m imagining him as Jacob Rees Mogg as a result of this comment - but that’s not your problem.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/06/2022 00:35

Further.....

Do not talk to him about it. Do not threaten him. Do not give him any warning.

He treats you like this because he know you will take it. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He might up his game a tiny bit if he know your mean it, but it wont last.

Make a plan and leg it, sort out the legals later.

The fact is that a man this vile will not be happy when he realises that his personal servant is no longer there. It could descend in to violence and that is not a risk worth taking, and dont say "He would never do that" because when they lose control of their victim abusive men can and will do ANYTHING. Yes, he is abusive and you are a victim (and soon to be survivor) of domestic abuse. I suggest you call Womens Aid for advice and do as they advise.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Want2beme · 21/06/2022 00:37

You've told him what you want and how you want the situation to improve, but he doesn't care. If he did, he'd make changes PDQ. It must be soul destroying for you and DS.

How would you advise a friend who was going through this?

Original poster
Deepti7 · 21/06/2022 00:49

Thank you for taking time to respond, this is the first time I have posted and the first time I have told anyone that I'm suffering.

You have given me some encouragement, which I needed. I feel I have lost confidence a little across the years and when it's come to a point of talking about divorce I get lost in visions of how peaceful and fulfilling my life would be. I guess I just want to be respected in my own home, be at peace because I feel the sadness is eating me up. Then I'm overwhelmed, because I don't know what and how to progress further.

I don't usually get emotional but reading the comments today makes me feel weak and teary because I haven't done the right thing even though deep down I know what I should do.

I need to make better choices.

OP posts:
Lagertha6 · 21/06/2022 00:49

Deepti7 · 21/06/2022 00:06

Married to DH for 24 years, he is a lazy man, mannerless and thinks the world revolves around him. He argues with me every time something needs to be done, or guests coming over or simply the house needs to be tidied. He expects me to clear up after him, and I refuse to do so, for the past 5 years, I've been standing my ground and don't want to be treated as a door mat. I have put up with his shit for years and enough is enough.

He has tantrums, shouts and uses foul language when he has an issue e.g. with what I've made for dinner after having worked 9 or 10 hours a day.

Both me and teen DS are fed up. This week I have let his behaviour and nasty comments get to me - "your ugly, can't stand to look at you, you're nothing, I'll divorce you ...etc". I'm also finding it difficult to make eye contact with neighbours, I'm embarrassed and feel humiliated each time this happens.

I really can't remember the last time I laughed openly, full heartedly, every day I feel like I'm on a treadmill, going through the motions and surviving. Sometimes I feel like my soul has shattered and feel extreme pain at night or simply feel numb early mornings.

I've made it clear to DH that I'm fed up and very unhappy in life with him. He is extremely dismissive every time I try to talk and blames me for everything.

He has told me to arrange house help, I have refused, as I already pay for a weekly cleaner and what he essentially needs is a nanny for himself who cooks and cleans after him. He is more than capable of arranging this himself as he works no more than 7 to 8 hours a day.

I'm just scared to make a bold move, confused almost feel like I'm in a never ending vicious cycle.

Any advice?

Divorce

Topseyt123 · 21/06/2022 00:53

Why are you still with him? It really doesn't sound as though the relationship has anything at all to recommend it.

Original poster
Deepti7 · 21/06/2022 00:55

Thank you, I will contact them. He was talking to me very aggressively and I had to walk away. He has threatened to hit me several times and then after a week or so life is good for a couple of weeks.

I don't know why but I just tend to shut down. I need to build up my mental strength.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 21/06/2022 00:57

You made the right choices for yourself at the time. Now you need to make another decision, and hopefully choose what is right for you right now.

You will find that confidence builds with each decision that you make. It took 3 years for me to get my "FUCK YOU!" back after leaving my abuser, but each little step contributed to that.

The first step is always the hardest but each step after is easier until you realise that you have run a thousand miles and not even noticed. Flowers

Pallisers · 21/06/2022 01:00

please divorce him and get away from him asap. Your teens should not be exposed to this. I've seen my son's friend's reaction to his not as bad as this father. it was brutal and has affected his life. your children don't deserve to be in this environment. neither do you but you, at least, have some agency and choice. they don't. Do you want them to become him or marry him???

Shedcity · 21/06/2022 01:02

Leave? No idea what else you’re looking for here

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/06/2022 01:12

Shedcity · 21/06/2022 01:02

Leave? No idea what else you’re looking for here

A handhold from women who have done it and come out the other side stronger and happier even though the fear almost stopped them leaving? In my case the fear kept me with him for 10 years after I should have left.

It really isnt as simple as "leave". Not when its all you've ever known and you dont know how to make the next step, it can be bloody terrifying. But those of us who have made the leap can hold her hand as she takes her leap, as those who went before held ours.

I wouldnt have made it through escaping my abusive ex without my MN friends/fellow survivors, and I am proud to say that I have paid it forward, as I am sure the OP will one day.

seven201 · 21/06/2022 01:22

You need to leave. Do it for you. Do it for your child.

Good luck.

Twofurrycats · 21/06/2022 01:26

You need a solicitor and divorce proceedings to start ASAP.
You will find a peaceful life without this man.
And you're neighbours probably think he's a right bastard so don't worry about them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/06/2022 01:27

Any advice?

DIVORCE!

Stop putting up with this shit. Get in touch with a solicitor and get your finances in order.

Good luck! Keep us informed.

Summerfun54321 · 21/06/2022 01:32

Don’t be hard on yourself, he has eroded your self esteem and willpower. It sounds like you’re finally ready to take the first step towards getting your life back so congratulations.

DaisyRain543 · 21/06/2022 01:33

He's a bully OP. Have someone with you when you tell him to leave like a trusted family member or close friend for safety reasons and then you have a witness so he's less likely to kick off. Give him a time limit to pack and get out and don't warn him in advance, catch him off guard so he can't attempt to manipulate or change your mind. I'm trying to think of practical advice but honestly remember your strong and can do this! You've put up with him for years so you can do anything!

cantley · 21/06/2022 01:46

Just imagine how wonderful life will be without this piece of shit in your life!
Yes making a move is really hard but DO IT.
We'll all be here cheering you on. Xx