Told husband to hire himself a nanny!

[Deepti7]

Married to DH for 24 years, he is a lazy man, mannerless and thinks the world revolves around him. He argues with me every time something needs to be done, or guests coming over or simply the house needs to be tidied. He expects me to clear up after him, and I refuse to do so, for the past 5 years, I've been standing my ground and don't want to be treated as a door mat. I have put up with his shit for years and enough is enough.

He has tantrums, shouts and uses foul language when he has an issue e.g. with what I've made for dinner after having worked 9 or 10 hours a day.

Both me and teen DS are fed up. This week I have let his behaviour and nasty comments get to me - "your ugly, can't stand to look at you, you're nothing, I'll divorce you ...etc". I'm also finding it difficult to make eye contact with neighbours, I'm embarrassed and feel humiliated each time this happens.

I really can't remember the last time I laughed openly, full heartedly, every day I feel like I'm on a treadmill, going through the motions and surviving. Sometimes I feel like my soul has shattered and feel extreme pain at night or simply feel numb early mornings.

I've made it clear to DH that I'm fed up and very unhappy in life with him. He is extremely dismissive every time I try to talk and blames me for everything.

He has told me to arrange house help, I have refused, as I already pay for a weekly cleaner and what he essentially needs is a nanny for himself who cooks and cleans after him. He is more than capable of arranging this himself as he works no more than 7 to 8 hours a day.

I'm just scared to make a bold move, confused almost feel like I'm in a never ending vicious cycle.

Any advice?

Please see a solicitor unless you want to stay with this abusive wanker. Are you seriously going to let this continue? It's an awful atmosphere for you and your child. Please get out.

Sorry, you’re right. The op read (to me) like op was asking for a way to fix this relationship. I see in updates she is asking for help in getting out.

@Deepti7 I’m so sorry you’ve been put through this, it’s incredibly hard and can be soul destroying but there are much brighter days ahead. People on this thread are of course right, you need to leave , safely, when you feel ready. If you haven’t read it already, I recommend you read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It goes through the tactics of abusive, controlling men and can be very reassuring. It also provides some strategies on how to deal with men like this so you can preserve your sanity.
It would be good to contact www.womensaid.org.uk/ even the threat of violence is considered a violent relationship, they should have good resources and will be able to offer support and advice hopefully.

I hope things get better soon and you find a way out. You don’t deserve any of this, it’s all on him. 💐

He’s abusive. He has been abusing you for years. No wonder your self-worth is so low.
Start by googling different types of abuse (emotional, mental, financial, physical) and see just how many boxes he ticks. Once you start realising the truth, you can’t unsee it. Then try and turn your sadness into anger, anger at how he has treated you and your DC.
Use that anger as fuel to get away from this man.

I voted yabu but only because you are being unreasonable to stay with him. Get rid of him and you'll be much happier. Sounds like he brings nothing good to your life.

Life isn't supposed to be sacrificed at the alter of marriage.

I got rid of a similar, abusive man child several years ago and as a single parent I can't explain how much simpler, peaceful and fulfilling my life is.

Get a divorce, you will have no regrets. The day you walk through that door of your home without him in it is a day I still remember 10 years on.

The joy I felt.

I've done it (left an abusive relationship). Leave before he gets physical. He is already grinding you down. So now, make your plans - get your finances in order, find somewhere to o rent short-term, get a friend to back you up. I just walked out one day and lived with a mate for a while. I couldn't have done it alone though - the mate helped me move my stuff out when ExH was out.

Please don't stay with this man.

You (and your DC) need to get away from this abusive man OP. Find the strength. He's beaten you done for many years making you feel worthles. You are not worthless.

Therapy and a good solicitor.

Sounds like my ex husband. I always made excuses not to leave him, usually worrying that divorcing him would cause my daughter problems, etc. Well, he made sure that the divorce was as bad as possible, but I stuck with it....seven years later things are much better for me and my daughter and I'm in a much better relationship with someone else

We have a reputation round here for shouting LTB

Posts like this are why!

every day I come here to another thread like this and despair at how many miserable women feel trapped in lives of servitude to arsehole men!

please contact womens aid and ask about the freedom programme. Start getting your ducks in a row and planning a life that’s not this.

Deepti7
Sending you a big hug as it sounds like you need one.
I cannot improve on the advice the MN sisterhood have already given.
Know you are not alone
Be strong.

Any advice?

Leave him.

Hello, you sound worn out with it all. I hope you have support available.

I come from the point of view of a child whose mother 'put up with it' for far too many years.

For many years I found it hard to respect her as I watched her being bullied and treated badly and never making the move to divorce. It took until she feared for her life after one incident to divorce him.

It was hard for her, but she has grown into a more independent person who I have a better relationship with. I wish she had done it 20 years earlier and she would have saved us all pain and suffering.

Thank you everyone for your input. I have done alot of thinking today and made a list of all the suggestions, websites etc. It has made a big difference to me knowing that others know now and I'm ready to move forward in my life and make some of my dreams come true and hope to have a home that is loving and comfortable with my child.

The experiences some of you have shared, I can resonate with and am ready to progress forward and get help. I've made contact with a friend (who's recently divorced too) and wil be sharing with her my plans to divorce.

I will try again to contact women's aid, they've been really busy and have been on hold each time I have called.

Thank you again.