Told husband to hire himself a nanny!

[Deepti7]

Married to DH for 24 years, he is a lazy man, mannerless and thinks the world revolves around him. He argues with me every time something needs to be done, or guests coming over or simply the house needs to be tidied. He expects me to clear up after him, and I refuse to do so, for the past 5 years, I've been standing my ground and don't want to be treated as a door mat. I have put up with his shit for years and enough is enough.

He has tantrums, shouts and uses foul language when he has an issue e.g. with what I've made for dinner after having worked 9 or 10 hours a day.

Both me and teen DS are fed up. This week I have let his behaviour and nasty comments get to me - "your ugly, can't stand to look at you, you're nothing, I'll divorce you ...etc". I'm also finding it difficult to make eye contact with neighbours, I'm embarrassed and feel humiliated each time this happens.

I really can't remember the last time I laughed openly, full heartedly, every day I feel like I'm on a treadmill, going through the motions and surviving. Sometimes I feel like my soul has shattered and feel extreme pain at night or simply feel numb early mornings.

I've made it clear to DH that I'm fed up and very unhappy in life with him. He is extremely dismissive every time I try to talk and blames me for everything.

He has told me to arrange house help, I have refused, as I already pay for a weekly cleaner and what he essentially needs is a nanny for himself who cooks and cleans after him. He is more than capable of arranging this himself as he works no more than 7 to 8 hours a day.

I'm just scared to make a bold move, confused almost feel like I'm in a never ending vicious cycle.

Any advice?

Well done for getting real about your situation - it’s a massive step 👏🏼 Sounds like you’re getting mentally ready to make changes to your life. It’s a good sign that you feel ‘laughter, peace, fulfillment’ is out there for you somewhere. Yes, it is, and long overdue.

Starting the change process can feel daunting. Get support from someone you can confide in. Staying motivated can be challenging, as change takes planning and time. Affirm yourself with each relevant step forward you take, however small.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Good luck! X

It’s no wonder you are apprehensive about leaving. He’s robbed you of self confidence and spirit. Daisy Rain gives great advice, have someone you trust with you when you request either he leaves or tell him you are leaving, if he’s going to lose it, that’s when it’s likely to happen. He sounds a real nasty piece, protect yourself. You really don’t want to live like this, it sounds just awful. Get out or get rid, bring some peace and sunshine into your life. Wishing you only good things.

Hun...you sound so ground down😢. This man has chipped away at your self worth and self esteem over the years that you found it so hard to make a change🤗. Its not too late to leave and have a life YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!. Stop trying understand why he does this. Please just LEAVE HIM.

Just imagine a life without him. You will be sooo free. Its not too late. Leave ASAP.

Who in god's name voted that OP was being unreasonable?! I'm disgusted by anyone who voted that way. This is an abusive relationship by definition. It's textbook. She is not unreasonable to be fed up with it and unhappy.

OP, do you accept that your relationship is abusive? Until you do, you may not work up the courage to leave this piece of shit, so you need to start going through the emotional process of acceptance. Please speak to people who've gone through this.

You'll be so much happier without him, your child will be too, I know from experience that it's difficult but you won't regret it

It's not too late to leave and live a happy peaceful life

@Deepti7

The only person whose role in this relationship you can change is you.

I would start building up your mental strength by seeing a solicitor.
Even taking this step will change your outlook. You will stop thinking in terms of WE and start thinking in terms of I and ME. You will know that you have taken a first step toward a new and better life and that is worth whatever a consultation costs. The next time he belittles you or humiliates you, you will have your little secret deep inside and it will help.

Keep on imagining your life without him. Look at flats, rents, possibilities. Visualise, visualise, visualise. When you are free of him the only problems you will face are problems you will have the power to prevent or fix.

You can't fix this man and there is nothing you can do to control or prevent the abuse he is dishing out. Begging for civility and respect will only make him feel more contempt for you.

You need to talk to Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247
Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is a book you could order and read. It's the book accompanying WA's Freedom Programme.

medium.com/real-life-resilience/top-35-most-impactful-books-to-overcome-emotional-abuse-f7e9918221fb
Reading list here - maybe you can order some, or get them from your local library.
If you get nothing else, buy the Lundy Bancroft book. If can also be read in PDF form online.

As you embark on your trek toward freedom, please remember to change your passwords frequently and always log out of MN when you've finished a session.
Abusers never take kindly to the loss of their favourite punching bag.

No advice just reassurance. You’ve done nothing wrong, don’t blame yourself any longer for not acting sooner or for letting this get so bad. He is to blame for this not you. You’ve done your best. And tried probably harder than most. But he’s making you ill & beaten you down. No wonder you don’t know which way to go.

That you’ve taken steps even to voice out loud (on here) how you truly feel is amazing. That is the first step. The next is to let that negative energy out because it’s holding you back. And start to connect with that person inside that does not want this any more & that can get herself & her son out of a truly toxic situation. Because you don’t have to take it any more & you really don’t need to. You will survive. You will manage. And you’ll be so much happier. Once that feeling really sinks in you’ll be amazed at how much strength the possibility of freedom will give you & the power to walk away. Good luck 💐

You know what you need to do, but I'm guessing you're stuck on the practical aspects?

Read up about divorce - Wikivorce, books from the library, Divorce for Dummies
Gather all financial documents - salary slips, P60, pensions, investments, bank statements, mortgage, etc
Get the house valued
See an experienced family solicitor
File for divorce

No promises of a happy ever after, but anything will be infinitely better than your current life.

@Deepti7 get some counselling a this could help you with communicating but also building your confidence. Good luck. ❤️

You won't build your strength op until you leave.you will keep being beaten down and each time a other part of u gone.and another new low from him.he will by worse.
You just need to be really fucking brave nd act.power through,feel all the horrid fear and can't do this and do it anyway!
Right now.
This minute.
Start leaving.
Make a list.wgat you needs to achieve to do this and so it this second.
Stop asking and telling him.he ain't changing for you luv.hes made that clear.
Rescue your child and his future.dibt let him see a woman or his loved on able to be treated this way.imprinted behaviour and all that...
You can you must go to d your life.god it will be good op.a weight lifted.

Do you rent or own op? Either way he’s probably not going to want to leave.

Gather copies of all the financial stuff and see a solicitor. That’s the first step, along with contacting womens aid.

If you rent then secretly find somewhere else and get it all set up, so you have somewhere to go - or arrange to stay with friends or family.

If you own then you can ask him to leave but he might refuse. You might have to be prepared to move out and then start the selling process. If he’s awkward then this might be the lengthy part. Don’t let this put you off. Just follow the advice of the solicitor/WA.

Its daunting when you just look at the whole, uncertain future, but once you have a plan sorted and everything broken down into bite size chunks, you can do it.

Get the ball rolling but don’t let him know what’s happening until everything is sorted.

Talk to a solicitor and see what your options are
Take control back over your happiness and your life

Run, don't walk, and dont look back. You can do this. The first time you sit on your own sofa, in your own house ( rented or not) with no one shouting, demeaning you or telling you what do to do will be amazing.

You have come far in 5 years by not letting him get away with this. Take the next step. Get your free half hour with a solicitor. Get the advice and stick to it.

Remember, your children have watched this happen, they will be so proud of you take them out of this situation, and it will show them it is not necessary to put up with this. Life is short.

Hi OP I hope you are still reading. It’s tough I know but you will find peace and confidence once you separate. He’s a bully and abusive. Does he treat anyone else like this - his friends his boss his colleagues - he knows what he’s doing - he gets pleasure in putting you down. Please read Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that - if you search it - it’s a free book -
What helped me to move forward was.
Reading the threads on mumsnet - it made me see I was not responsible for his behaviour. It made me look at what was my part it in all and what belonged to HIM.
Starting anti depressants - it lifted me up after years of being ground down and weary.
Seeing a local womens aid worker -You may have one in your area - it’s a local branch.

Look up the freedom course too was helpful - search it.
I told my GP what was happening.
I sought a counsellor which helped too.
My ex hit me from time to time - I eventually had the strength to report him - he was arrested, charged and I had a restraining order given to me so he couldn’t come back to this area.
I grew up in an abusive home so his behaviour was normal for me and I didn’t want my son to be damaged any more by the toxic environment either.

Abuse thrives in secrecy - by letting others know how he treats you are changing the cycle.
I really happy and peaceful now. 🌺

I had one like this. Nothing was ever good enough and what he really wanted was a full- time housekeeper, not a wife. We have four children and I didn’t want them to think his behaviour (basically, treating me like an unpaid servant) was normal or acceptable. So after 24 years of marriage, I divorced him. I’ve got a new job, a new partner (who doesn’t live with me and never will: men mostly eventually treat their wives/ girlfriends like unpaid help ime) and I honestly don’t regret a single thing. I am so much happier. Frankly, I should have done it years ago!

Advice. Extremely simply : divorce him. Move on. Be happy.

Goodness, this is awful. Your post is upsetting me, so goodness knows how you feel.

Break free and let the rest of your life be happy.

Good luck.

What a horrible 'man'.
Taking the first step is difficult, get some support and advice from Women's aid. They can help you with how to leave safely; he is not going to be happy when you do. See a solicitor, get some advice about all the paperwork and documents that will be needed during divorce.
Life without an abusive man in your home is 100% nicer.

“I don't know why but I just tend to shut down. I need to build up my mental strength.”

You’ve been living in fight or flight mode for years that’s why you shut down. That’s your flight response, not physical but mental and emotional. Might be worth trying to get some counselling to support you in building the strength to leave him. But leave him you must, he has been this way for a quarter of a century, he won’t change now. You deserve a life

He is abusive.
Time to prepare to leave.

My marriage was similar... although not as verbally or physically abusive. I was desperately unhappy and was told "you know where the door is" if l verbalised it.

I stayed though as l always hoped it would improve.... although l knew really that it wouldn't.

I was also scared of managing alone.... although in reality l was doing that anyway.

He then met the OW and left. I'm forever thankful he did.

One step at a time. Get some recommendations for a Solicitor and make an appointment.

Then you can make a decision based on what they say as to whether you go ahead or not.

I have never regretted him leaving and he has a better relationship with the DC now he doesn't live with them as he puts in effort when they go to his to spend positive time with them.

I also have more respect and support from him now then when we were married..... probably as l have got "me" back and he knows he has no power over me anymore

I left a man like this when my baby was small. People always do the sad head tilty "it must be so hard bringing up a toddler on your own" but I can't agree because I can only compare it to life before. That was hard. Being shouted at, criticised, ignored, made fun of, bullied in my own home was. Having a loving, happy, stable, peaceful, predictable home isn't hard. I soon realised how ill he'd been making me. I'll never forget the insane surge of energy I got soon after leaving. Weight just melted off me without really trying to diet. I just felt new and clean and light. No contact was essential - I tried to do it the "normal way" but he wasn't able to stop using every communication as a chance to mess with my head. I've grown so much as a person since then. It's surprising what I'm capable of when I don't have someone belittling everything I try.

There's no reason you should be any different. I wasn't strong until I had to be. There are lots of agencies out there who can help. You can do this.

Divorce him. Life is so much better without someone like this dragging you down everyday.

A good solicitor will take the mental load off. Also, when things get going, he will probably become really nasty. Please be aware of this and don't engage. When they realise they no longer have control, things can escalate rapidly.

When the police were involved in my situation, they told me that had they been aware my ex was abusive, it would have made what happened to me have a different outcome. Please speak to your local policing unit's Domestic Abuse team for advice.

Four years on, best thing ever. I'd forgotten how it felt to wake up and feel content. You can do this. 😊

@Deepti7 I hope you are still reading, you deserve better and so does your son. I have been married for 23 years, Dh and I laugh daily with each other so it isn't your marriage going stale. It is him being vile.

"you're ugly, can't stand to look at you, you're nothing, I'll divorce you ...etc". so why doesn't he leave? Because if you are all these things why is he staying? Because you are his emotional punch bag, his putting you down makes him feel better. It doesn't make any of those words true about you. He is awful, unkind and abusive. You can escape this, you can get out of this marriage and find peace. You are already doing everything so it isn't like he is a great help to you.

Everything starts with a step, get the paperwork together and go and see a solicitor.