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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it inappropriate to say this to the father of your children or acceptable?

93 replies

AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 12:55

Is it acceptable to tell the father of your kids that you are upset, struggling and crying over the fact he's had a baby with someone else?

Or is it just as inappropriate as telling anyone else in a relationship and doesn't matter that it's your children's other parent?

Parents been split up a long time, never married and the new baby is with dad's wife of 4 years (together 6).

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 20/06/2022 12:57

No I don't think it's acceptable and given the time apart would find it very odd that is their response

Mally100 · 20/06/2022 12:57

Yes its completely unacceptable and the parent doing this is just coming across as unhinged. 6 years on and they are behaving like this- the other parent needs to tell them to stop this nonsense.

MrszClaus · 20/06/2022 12:57

Do you mean basically telling your ex you're upset he's had a new baby? Of course that's BU, especially over 6 years down the line! "Upset struggling and crying" is so dramatic too, jeeesh. That's an opinion no one needs to hear, least of all your ex.

I'm assuming you're the new wife? The ex has probably realised the grass isn't greener broken up, and their ex is perfectly happy and enjoying a new life and is trying to ruin it. Can't see any other reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 20/06/2022 12:58

Only if you want to look a loon...

NewtoHolland · 20/06/2022 12:59

Well it's a bit weird isn't it ...fair enough to feel upset but why would there be any need to share that feeling with him? Unless there's an agenda. I don't really think it's acceptable, no. Bit out of order to him and new partner.

Phyllis321 · 20/06/2022 13:00

I'm guessing you're the second partner/wife.
I think it's a bit off of her to do this BUT they have children together. It's very different to just being an ex. I wouldn't let it bother you too much unless you think he's going to go back to her from guilt.

SandyWedges · 20/06/2022 13:00

I mean I guess it might feel a bit weird if you'd hoped to have a baby with them. A bit like if you get dumped by a fiance and then find out they've gone on and got married to someone else quickly. But I wouldn't be that upset and I most ce

SandyWedges · 20/06/2022 13:00

Posted too soon sorry! I certainly wouldn't tell them!!

Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:01

Yes I'm the new wife and yes it's pissed me off! Thank you Smile she was also posting all over social media the day our baby was born about how she needs cheering up and loads of depressing quotes.

I found it so weird. She's with someone else too!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 20/06/2022 13:01

It's too weird.

Which make me think they were probably seeing each other after they split.

NewtoHolland · 20/06/2022 13:01

If you're the new partner I'd just try to keep it breezey from both of you and not really react but hope he'd boundary set in a clear way.

Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:02

Phyllis321 · 20/06/2022 13:00

I'm guessing you're the second partner/wife.
I think it's a bit off of her to do this BUT they have children together. It's very different to just being an ex. I wouldn't let it bother you too much unless you think he's going to go back to her from guilt.

No no I'm not worried about anything like this. I just think it's really weird and inappropriate. She does like to make everything about her though so I guess it shouldn't have been entirely unexpected.

OP posts:
SandyWedges · 20/06/2022 13:02

AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:01

Yes I'm the new wife and yes it's pissed me off! Thank you Smile she was also posting all over social media the day our baby was born about how she needs cheering up and loads of depressing quotes.

I found it so weird. She's with someone else too!

Thats really odd. I'd stop looking at her social media though. Just let her get on with it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/06/2022 13:02

I might find it hard to adapt to the fact that my children are going to have a step sibling- but logic says its non of my business and my feelings dont matter

Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:03

worraliberty · 20/06/2022 13:01

It's too weird.

Which make me think they were probably seeing each other after they split.

Genuinely I don't think anything like this. They were split for ages before we met and most of the time never speak. I think she may want more kids but her partner doesn't from the very brief conversations we've had in the past.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 13:03

Has she had more kids? Perhaps that's what's upset her? Not so much that she desperately wants him but that he's now got the bigger family she wants?

But no, I wouldn't te the ex or FB.

PollyDarton1 · 20/06/2022 13:03

I think if my ex (father of my DS) was to have another child with someone else/get married (we never got there, despite booking the wedding) I'd probably feel upset and probably have a wee cry about it because I always wanted those things (marriage, particularly) with him, and I only left because he was making my life so miserable.

I certainly wouldn't tell him though!

Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:04

SandyWedges · 20/06/2022 13:02

Thats really odd. I'd stop looking at her social media though. Just let her get on with it.

Show quote history

I didn't it was a mutual friend who showed me but I have asked for them not to again now.

OP posts:
FOTB · 20/06/2022 13:04

Maybe.

I think the ex is having a tough time for whatever reason, and if she has a really good co-parenting relationship with him, it makes sense that the guy knows she's in that kind of headspace right now so he can potentially support more with childcare whilst she gets her head together.

Her reaction is OTT, and I'm not saying he should go running back to her, but if they both normally have a good, amicable relationship, when one of them is having a really difficult time, it doesn't seem odd to be open about it? I mean, if you were raising a baby in an actual romantic relationship, if one of you was struggling, the other would temporarily pick up the slack.

I don't think it would be helpful for him to provide any emotional support as it would confuse things in this scenario, but it might be kind, for example, to offer to have their child for a few extra hours on a certain day so she can access counselling. Something is going on with her, and it's probably not even anything to do with him.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 13:05

And if the elder DCis desperate for a siblingsbe might worry that your house is now more attractive than hers

Or that elder child will be upset she sees Daddy four days a month but baby lives there all the time and she'll have to put up with the inevitable upset?

Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:05

SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 13:03

Has she had more kids? Perhaps that's what's upset her? Not so much that she desperately wants him but that he's now got the bigger family she wants?

But no, I wouldn't te the ex or FB.

No she hasn't had more and I believe she would like them so yes that may well be the reason. Still think it's entirely inappropriate to tell your ex that who's married to someone else!

Or does them being the parent of your children make it okay to have emotional conversations like that?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 20/06/2022 13:07

Absolutely not what you should tell him. You will look like a lunatic.

Your response is "congratulations it'll be lovely for DS to have a brother or sister

Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:07

FOTB · 20/06/2022 13:04

Maybe.

I think the ex is having a tough time for whatever reason, and if she has a really good co-parenting relationship with him, it makes sense that the guy knows she's in that kind of headspace right now so he can potentially support more with childcare whilst she gets her head together.

Her reaction is OTT, and I'm not saying he should go running back to her, but if they both normally have a good, amicable relationship, when one of them is having a really difficult time, it doesn't seem odd to be open about it? I mean, if you were raising a baby in an actual romantic relationship, if one of you was struggling, the other would temporarily pick up the slack.

I don't think it would be helpful for him to provide any emotional support as it would confuse things in this scenario, but it might be kind, for example, to offer to have their child for a few extra hours on a certain day so she can access counselling. Something is going on with her, and it's probably not even anything to do with him.

They actually don't usually get on and rarely speak about anything other than the kids.

But she's gone the opposite way to your post (he would have the kids extra if she asked) and actually asked if she can keep them with her when they should be with us to distract her... What do you say to that? He obviously wants to see his children.

OP posts:
WooFighters · 20/06/2022 13:07

Do t let her taint your joy and make it about her. Mute her on social media and ignore and enjoy time with your baby. You dont ever get that time back.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 13:08

It Depends on their relationship. I have a friend who is still good mates with her ex, when her new baby died he was around along with her partner to support them as it also affected his child. That situation, perfect normal because that's friendship.

But if they're not friends then I'd think it was quite needy and designed to damped his happiness