Is it inappropriate to say this to the father of your children or acceptable?

[AnotherUser2]

Is it acceptable to tell the father of your kids that you are upset, struggling and crying over the fact he's had a baby with someone else?

Or is it just as inappropriate as telling anyone else in a relationship and doesn't matter that it's your children's other parent?

Parents been split up a long time, never married and the new baby is with dad's wife of 4 years (together 6).

All of this too. Absolutely.

Definitely not. If he’s anything like my ex, then he’ll get a sick kick out of me being upset about it. Say nothing, don’t give him the satisfaction!

Of course people can have whatever conversations they want, no one can stop you, it doesn't mean other people can't think you're being a bit of a dick though.

And am I coming across jealous? Because that's really not what I meant! I'm not jealous. I annoyed that she's using this time to make everything about her and manipulate us into feeling bad. She is a manipulative person.

He says no. But I understand she'd like them with her new partner who has said no.

They aren't friends, they don't get on.

DH finds it very awkward as well and doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to apologise because he thinks our child is nothing to apologise about but doesn't know what to say so he's not actually said anything yet other than he'd still like the kids to come as normal.

Best he doesn't get into it with her. Anything he says may be given in evidence. He's better off letting his actions do the talking.
And not allowing himself to become an emotional crutch for his ex does not make him "cold and uncaring to the Mother of His Child", it makes him sensible for maintaining appropriate boundaries.

I think he should stick to this tbh, he shouldn't respond to the emotional stuff.

He is her ex, not her friend - her actual friends are the ones she should be turning to here.

I understand feelings cropping up when your ex moves on in this manner, but it's really not his problem and to me it sounds like she's just trying to salvage some kind of connection and see if she can still pull his strings.

He can be polite, as he has been, but not get drawn into any of this side of it.

Very unmentally sound behaviour, I would be suggesting she needs to get some therapy.

DH finds it very awkward as well and doesn't know what to say
"It's sad that you're upset, but I don't want to hear any negativity about my wife's pregnancy" ought to do it.

but doesn't know what to say so he's not actually said anything yet
Sound instincts that man. The less said the better.
He shouldn't bring it up, & when she does (you know she will OP, if she's parading it on facebook ffs), he need to Grey Rock the fuck out of her.
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
He could also use the Broken Record technique - just keep repeating the exact same words over & over if she continues to needle him. The phrase above, or something like it, would serve. It helps prevent the person being needled from accidentally getting sucked into dialogue.
(See also JADE, link below)

If she was so cut up about not having more DC with your DH when they were together, it was a pretty daft move to then shack up with another bloke who didn't want DC with her.

She also doesn't get to manipulate your DH about contact times. It's revolting - does she think their kids are pets? Pets she needs to have close to comfort HER because YOU are having a baby? It's ... distasteful somehow. Can't quite put my finger on it Possessive, maybe.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.
This is how you & DH should handle things going forward - just by remembering that you don't 'owe' anyone airspace about your baby, especially not negative airspace - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Oops! so sorry OP, you have already delivered your baby, & I'm a fool!
All the above still applies, despite my denseness

Her partner can’t be happy about this, how embarrassing.

Congratulations on your baby!

I annoyed that she's using this time to make everything about her and manipulate us into feeling bad.

The only people to feel bad about - rather worried about - are their joint kids as she is showing herself off as unhinged.

If they are OK then ignore her amateur dramatics and going forward don't engage with her at all. Leave her completely to your husband.

So she hasn't actually said anything directly to your DP/her EX just posted on social media that a friend showed you?

Or have I missed something

Her reaction is entirely understandable, especially if she wanted more kids with your P but he said no or not yet or (most likely) things already weren’t working so she didn’t bring it up with him. Wanting a baby and not being able to have one is a horrible position to be in.
She is being totally unreasonable trying to talk to your P about it though. He is totally the wrong person to help her get through this and it’s understandable it’s annoying you.

What was she like when you got married?

He should just say

"Lets keep the contact schedule as is, I don't want the children to feel pushed out ,so it's important I continue to see them as normal, the rest, I can't be of help I'm afraid, we are not close anymore so you need to call upon your friends or family for support. My focus is on the baby, Anotheruser2 and the kids."

Dont let this take up anymore of your headspace OP

Feelings aren't always reasonable. Thats the problem. There could be many reasons. Maybe she still has feelings for him. Maybe shes upset he has another baby and she hasn't. Maybe her present relationship is unsatisfactory.

She's done both. Text DH and also put it on SM

Yes I understand that feelings aren't always rational. My question was around whether it was appropriate to lay it on him though?

I wouldn't want any woman messaging my husband like this we've just had a baby. The same as things like letting someone know you have feelings for them when they are just about to get married or something. It seems unfair and not appropriate.

At the end of the day I get she's her kids dad but he is also my husband. It seems disrespectful.

You can sympathise with someone's feelings without apologising for the trigger. "I'm sorry you're finding it tough right now" is different to "I'm sorry you're unhappy that I'm happy, I shall try to be more miserable then."

I think it's important to stress that the most important people in this scenario are the children - having them around her more might make her feel better in the short term, but it's going to make them think their dad is trying to phase them out in favour of his new child, which is going to mess with their heads in the long-term. Whatever they do or don't agree on, they must agree that their kids are more important than either of them, and I do think no matter how old children are, managing their feelings around a new baby has to be done carefully.

ignore her and dont let her stop contact either you dont know if shes saying to the kids you dont want them there because of the baby
how old are they

Ignore it and get on with enjoying your baby - you seem obsessed.

. She can be upset, especially if she wanted more DCS with your DP and he said no and if her current DP has said no aswell. Her issues not yours - stay out of it.

My Ex had another child with the OW, it bloody hurt not that I ever said anything to anyone, including my friends. They stuck the knife in by giving the child the first name I had wanted for ours and the second name( my fathers) Have never let anyone know how much that shit hurt. Personally would not tell anyone and am not a user of social media, but each to their own.

It's inappropriate. However, I don't think it's sad or weird to feel sad about your ex partner having another baby. That could lead to a lot of emotions even if the relationship is long over. She should have talked to her people about how she was feeling. That's what friends are for.