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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it inappropriate to say this to the father of your children or acceptable?

93 replies

AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 12:55

Is it acceptable to tell the father of your kids that you are upset, struggling and crying over the fact he's had a baby with someone else?

Or is it just as inappropriate as telling anyone else in a relationship and doesn't matter that it's your children's other parent?

Parents been split up a long time, never married and the new baby is with dad's wife of 4 years (together 6).

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:09

But if they're not friends then I'd think it was quite needy and designed to damped his happiness

I suspect it's more about this tbh. They don't really get on well usually.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:10

I'm sorry about your friends baby, how awful x

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 13:10

But she's gone the opposite way to your post (he would have the kids extra if she asked) and actually asked if she can keep them with her when they should be with us to distract her... What do you say to that? He obviously wants to see his children.
Tbf I thought it was odd of pp to suggest he should take the kids more so she can be sad about your news baby alone.
But the answer is clearly no, esp if it's only EOW already. Her children are not there to keep her company when she's sad.

"sorry Mary but I need to see the kids too, it isn't fair on them for me to not have them as usual just because of the baby".

SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 13:11

AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:10

I'm sorry about your friends baby, how awful x

Thank you, it's been a few years now but I though under awful awful circs it was a beautiful example of how to coparent.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 20/06/2022 13:13

They can say it, but I'd expect the response to be 🤷‍♂️, if they are not together it's not really any of their business. Yes they have kids together but would the crying parents be prepared to put their own life on hold indefinitely (I suspect not, and that they would find it an unreasonable expectation)

NewtoHolland · 20/06/2022 13:13

Unless you really need to don't change the arrangement with his older children, she sounds batshit and wouldn't put it past her to be saying to the kids and friends now dads got his new baby he wants to see you less etc.

FOTB · 20/06/2022 13:15

AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:07

They actually don't usually get on and rarely speak about anything other than the kids.

But she's gone the opposite way to your post (he would have the kids extra if she asked) and actually asked if she can keep them with her when they should be with us to distract her... What do you say to that? He obviously wants to see his children.

Show quote history

Hmm. Well, that puts an entirely different spin on it. If they don't normally speak much/even like each other as friends, then I think the emotional outburst is particularly odd. And potentially manipulative.

In which case, I don't think I'd agree to let her have the kids for more time, as this could be the start of her trying to permanently change the custody arrangement in the hopes that she can argue your husband is only interested in the baby and has lost interest in his original family.

I think he needs to go back to her to say he's sorry she's finding it hard, but he thinks it's in the best interests of their kids if they continue to spend good quality time with him, so they don't feel edged out by the new baby, as he loves all of his children equally and he wants them to feel settled.

He understands she's having a strong emotional response that she can't control, and he wishes he could help, but given he's been the trigger for this, it doesn't seem appropriate or helpful if he is the one to support her with her feelings. However, if he can facilitate anything practical such as swapping certain dates (NB, swapping, not giving up!) so she can seek support from someone else, he would be open to a conversation.

drpet49 · 20/06/2022 13:17

The ex sounds unhinged and obsessed. Just ignore her crazy ramblings

FOTB · 20/06/2022 13:17

SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 13:10

But she's gone the opposite way to your post (he would have the kids extra if she asked) and actually asked if she can keep them with her when they should be with us to distract her... What do you say to that? He obviously wants to see his children.
Tbf I thought it was odd of pp to suggest he should take the kids more so she can be sad about your news baby alone.
But the answer is clearly no, esp if it's only EOW already. Her children are not there to keep her company when she's sad.

"sorry Mary but I need to see the kids too, it isn't fair on them for me to not have them as usual just because of the baby".

I wasn't suggesting he had the kids more so she could sit in a room crying by herself... 🙄

I was suggesting she might need to access therapy, and you can't exactly attend a therapy session with kids in tow. It can be difficult to get a slot that works.

Based on the OP's subsequent post though, I'm less convinced she's having a mental health crisis, and more suspicious that she's trying to change custody arrangements.

funinthesun19 · 20/06/2022 13:18

She shouldn’t be telling him. She can feel it if she wants, but she has to either feel it quietly or speak to someone more appropriate like her best friend over a brew or something.

GlitteryGreen · 20/06/2022 13:19

Na this is weird and in appropriate OP. Your DH needs to not engage with it and stick to the normal schedule. She shouldn't be making it about her, it's not her kids' job to 'distract' her, especially at the expense of time with their dad.

MrsBertBibby · 20/06/2022 13:19

They won't be step siblings, they'll be half siblings.

I think it's common to feel upset and discombobulated by this. It's beyond weird to say it out loud, though.

FooFighter99 · 20/06/2022 13:21

My DH's ex did something similar. She told him, after we'd got engaged, that she didn't want to know when the wedding was as she'd just be sat thinking about it/us all day..... even though she was the one who ended their relationship (years previously) AND she was married to her new fella at the time!!

Some people are just a bit bonkers @AnotherUser2 just ignore her

SandyWedges · 20/06/2022 13:21

AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:07

They actually don't usually get on and rarely speak about anything other than the kids.

But she's gone the opposite way to your post (he would have the kids extra if she asked) and actually asked if she can keep them with her when they should be with us to distract her... What do you say to that? He obviously wants to see his children.

Show quote history

Absolutely not. The kids aren't there for her entertainment she's sick putting her feelings onto them.

GreenManalishi · 20/06/2022 13:21

It sounds like she's trying to insert herself and make her presence felt when she should be absolutely giving you the space and time to be as a family with your new baby. It's inappropriate, unreasonable and manipulative.

Ignore her as much as possible, hopefully your DH will do the same and you can concentrate on your new baby and introducing them to DH kids in a positive and calm way. Don't give her an inch.

Original poster
AnotherUser2 · 20/06/2022 13:24

GreenManalishi · 20/06/2022 13:21

It sounds like she's trying to insert herself and make her presence felt when she should be absolutely giving you the space and time to be as a family with your new baby. It's inappropriate, unreasonable and manipulative.

Ignore her as much as possible, hopefully your DH will do the same and you can concentrate on your new baby and introducing them to DH kids in a positive and calm way. Don't give her an inch.

This is how it feels to me. I personally think she is a very manipulative person in lots of ways. But it has annoyed me she's used this as another way to be!

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 20/06/2022 13:28

Don't say anything. You can talk to us.

xogossipgirlxo · 20/06/2022 13:29

Oops, sorry, I though you're previous partner. Still, I wouldn't say anything.

JuneJubilee · 20/06/2022 13:32

Emotions are complicated. She's entitled to feel how she feels and she's entitled to tell her kids Dad,

You're entitled to find it upsetting/annoying.

just because they split a long time ago, it doesn't mean she has to be 'over' having wanted their family to work out, for them & their kids to be a 'unit' and not have half siblings etc.

Youseethethingis1 · 20/06/2022 13:32

New babies are very threatening to exs.
Will her child be edged out? Will her child now prefer Dad's house? Will he cut maintenance? Her peak position and trump card as Mother of His Child has now been lost. And there's a wife to boot, when she was only ever the girlfriend!
It's a weird time for her, probably stirred up all sort of stuff she didn't know she still carried so many years later.
That said, sharing it with all and sundry just makes her look like a bit of a twit. I'd feel sorry for her, not annoyed, keep things as settled as possible for her child and hopefully when she see her child hasn't been negatively affected she will calm down.
Congratulations on your new baby 💐

JuneJubilee · 20/06/2022 13:37

Or does them being the parent of your children make it okay to have emotional conversations like that?

They can have whatever conversations they want to surely?

it's up to your DH to close it down if he doesn't want to be supportive. But seriously? Your jealous of that conversation? They shared a life, they had kids, would you prefer to be with someone who didn't support his ex? Who was cold & uncaring about the mother of his children?

GCRich · 20/06/2022 13:38

Acceptable, yes. Advisable if you wish to appear sane, not so much.

HesterShaw1 · 20/06/2022 13:42

Well personally I'd be devastated, as the ExW. But that's because he never wanted kids and then it was too late for us by the time he decided that maybe it was worth thinking about. However it's not too late for him and his new partner, who's 12 years younger than me and him.

However I'd try and hide it rather than post about it on social media!

toomuchlaundry · 20/06/2022 13:44

Did she want more children with him and he had said he didn't want more children?

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/06/2022 13:44

If she and your husband are still friends, there’s no reason she shouldn’t mention if she’s struggling with life a bit and wishes more kids would happen for her. That’s just letting someone who is in your life know what else is going on.

But that’s different from crying about it to him or posting all over social.