AIBU partner hoarding

[Alana1983]

My partner has a problem with hoarding. We've lived together for several years and have children. His hoarding is confined mostly to the garage, shed/outbuilding the spare bedroom and his office. It's bad. Like space to the desk bad, boxes as high as my head bad. Every surface/space filled with 'stuff'

i suppose I feel like I've been tolerant for all these years and have tried and tried to get him to see that it has a knock on effect but we are falling out more and more because the longer it goes on, the worse it is as obviously he adds to it and won't throw things away.

i do the majority of the buying so I buy most of his clothes for example, he isn't really a shopper so when we got together I 'kitted' him out in new clothes but he's kept all his old ones. He has jackets that are 20 years old and 3 sizes too big. Literally saves everything. You know. Just in case. When we moved he just moved in with chests of drawers full of clothes/stuff that I he can't access as there are boxes/bags piled up in front of so I'm talking years of untouched things and I feel it's weighing down on me. Inevitably it does impact on us because occasionally his stuff migrates into other rooms. Tools appear in the house, books from his college course 20 years ago and he no longer even works in that field. Old shoes, clothes. He retains things that have a place within the house. So for example paper and stationary, wrapping paper, cards he bought for his family members that have since passed away (I suppose I understand that one) but he keeps all this clutter in his 'spaces' when there are allocated areas for this type of thing. He sees things as his and mine. So that's my pen. That's my cello tape. He still refers to his cups or bowls, or pans, when we merged our houses 10 years ago.

He retains things that are many years old and rarely replaces things but when he does, he keeps the old ones so we have old hifis, TVs, old tents when we've replaced our some years ago, you name it, we have it. Old washers in the garage. Bikes that both kids have grown out of.

i am the buyer and I spend and also tend to throw/give a lot away, my stuff, the kids etc as I have to feel like I'm helping to reduce the clutter somehow but I can't even touch anything that belongs to him. His anger when I have gone into the room(s) or touched his stuff is unbelievable. He completely loses control and he is mostly a really calm, placid person. But I can no longer speak to him as he says I'm trying to control him and I'm just trying to take back what I think is the control that his problem has over the both of us.

i work in mental health so absolutely recognise that this is a serious problem for him but I'm so angry that he won't accept help I just don't know what to do anymore, other than leave. He can never find anything so jobs don't get done or get half done as he can't find this or whatever.

Every 6 months this comes up and I say I've had enough and he says he'll get help and I recognise a pattern in which I see myself as the victim of his behaviours but it's hard not to have empathy for him when I understand for him it's an absolute compulsion. But how long must I put up with it when it makes me so
miserable?

So, AIBU to leave and break up my family over an overwhelming sadness that I can no longer cope with this life?

It is the only way I can see of taking back control of my own space, mental health and destiny.

I would leave. It is so so unbelievably selfish to raise children in this environment. One person's mh issues is going to damage your children's entire childhood. Take them and leave. He refuses help, so all you are doing is wasting years of you and your kids lives.

He isn't willing to accept help and you shouldn't have to live like that. You could try one final ultimatum, tell him you are splitting up if he doesn't get help. But I don't think it will help so you will have to follow through with it.

Can you ask the fire service for a safety check? My fil does them and is able to access help for hoarders. Like skip hire! Imo he is putting you all at risk. Your home is a huge fire hazard.

I have told him I will leave, many times. I work with hoarders so recognise it for the problem that it is which is why I've probably been more tolerant than most. I have also told I'm our house is a fire risk.

Hes a professional person with a high profile job so I wouldn't want to embarrass him. The thing that frustrates him is that I am messy so the rest of the house so to speak isn't perfect but it like every now and then I'll have a massive meltdown and sort out everything within my power but always know that I can't ever have a say in these particular areas if that makes sense.

ive been too tolerant for years and now he doesn't believe the ultimatums anymore. The half hearted threats to leave over the years have been frequent so now mean nothing and he doesn't believe I actually will. And I love him so don't actually want this for me or for the kids. If he could change, I would stay

That sounds really tough. You wouldn't be at all unreasonable to leave and to want to live in a normal home.

Ok so now you are just as negligent as him. So you have been told about the fire risk, but choose to let your kids live like that? You recognize the problem, know that he refuses help so are complicit in damaging your children.

I recognise that it is a fire risk, I have said I do my best to reduce the clutter in the rest of the house and I have spent years trying to help him
get help. 6 months ago he was going to see a counsellor but they put him on a waiting list which is never ending and now as it time goes on he keeps saying he will sort it himself but there's always some other excuse or reason that he hasn't yet

Did you know he was a hoarder when you met him?

Your children shouldn’t have to live like that, they will resent you both for it when they are older. You need to take action, even if it means leaving.

Leave

He had a house and I had a house. He didn't hoard as such, not that I could see but when we moved in together I decluttered and he bought everything he owned (bar some furniture) with a view to sorting it later on. Some of the stuff he has is sentimental, belongs to deceased family members etc which is reasonable and some of it is childhood belongings so his parents saved a lot of his old toys and things so he has some things that are special to him which is totally acceptable and he just needs to find space up the loft for them but the time it will take to sort the wheat from the chaff, so to speak, is overwhelming and it's just got worse and worse and I have noticed that when I replace things of his, he keeps the old version so as I said, clothes, old kipper ties from 20 years ago, old football shirts of his prized local team - which I am told are valuable but again belong up the loft, then the obscure things like old computer pieces and keyboards and numerous hobby pieces from the hobbies he fully invests in but then never does again, so over the years the personal belongings he bought with him and never sorted have just grown and grown.

I replaced our sleeping bags, he kept the old ones. That kind of thing . So I didn't know the extent of it and I think it's a problem that has gotten worse with grief as he's recently lost both of his parents.

I live with a hoarder of empty boxes, if he buys something new he has to keep the box. Boxes are in the garage, in wardrobes, under beds, on top of wardrobes, even in the kids rooms. Every so often I have a clear out of boxes when he is at work. He never needs them, when asked why he keeps them, it because he might one day sell the item. He never does. I'm currently doing a clear of of his crap once a month while he is at work.
As we are now getting older I think it's unfair to hoard all this crap, if he died tomorrow, our poor children would have to clear it.
.

What would he have done if you had just binned the old sleeping bags right after you brought home the new ones without asking him?

How would you feel about continuing the relationship but living separately?

You are right that you have lost the power of the ultimatum because you served it and then didn’t follow through, which puts you in a tough position.

I think if it was me, I would sit him down and say this time it really is it - but you need to mean it and follow through. I would couple that with an actual plan to address the issue. He does need counselling but there are small steps too that he should be able to take with support.

Can he afford to pay for a storage space that he can move the stuff he really feels strongly about, for example? We’ve just taken one for a year while we move house and store baby stuff etc and it’s made a big difference to the house.

If you aren’t yet truly able to commit to leaving him, then don’t say you will. Instead try to implement new rules. Firstly, I just wouldn’t buy him any more clothes until he throws stuff out - if he’s a professional he will know it matters what he looks like, so I would play on this. I would also just throw out things like old sleeping bags when I buy new ones, without even discussing it with him. If he gets angry, ignore him. If his anger carries on, you will know his compulsion is so bad you really do have to leave.

I say all of this as somebody who finds it very very very difficult to throw some things away. I have got much better since I married and wasn’t allowed to carry on. She just wouldn’t allow it. But she helped me find coping mechanisms, like at her suggestion I take photos of things I have attachments to before they go. Which of course I never look at again, once they are gone. I also just now don’t buy things - like football programmes, I find them super hard to throw away so I don’t buy them. Which is clearly ridiculous in that if I don’t need to buy them why can’t I throw them away?! But it is what is!

I also find it much easier for things to go to charity than the tip - so we give to women’s refuges, dogs homes etc. Not everything can find a new home but a lot of stuff can with effort (I even drove our IVF unused needles 20 miles to a drug rehab clinic to stop them having to go to the top - there were a lot!) I find motivation in it being reused

I feel your pain as I live with a hoarder, although not quite as extreme as your husband.
I've just hired a skip and done a huge declutter as we were spilling out of our tiny bungalow ! It's made a massive difference to our lives and we are managing things in a better and more efficient way.
What about paying for a separate storage facility and transferring the things over there ? At least then it would all be out of the house and he may just be persuaded to 'thin' some of his belongings out when you take the stuff over to be stored ?

I don't know how to reply to a specific message so am going to do this;

i would feel free if we lived separately, but would struggle financially and would probably feel bitter that it has come to this. I lived on my own for many years before we got together and the thought of living alone doesn't frighten me at all, but the financial responsibility does. We have a nice lifestyle now and I wouldn't be able to maintain that if I left but equally, the weight of this problem would be alleviated.

I appreciate the different points of view, i know it's a problem but it's one that he won't share with me. A problem shared is halved and all that, he sees me as the aggressor and is threatened by my intentions so he won't accept help to look through things for example as one mans rubbish is another mans gold and I truly would want to throw 90% of it away/charity shop

he has in the past rifled through bags that are in my boot to retire ice things that I am throwing. So think about a dress I wore on our first date 10 years ago, he pulled that out of a bag and said I have fond memories of you in this....he will suggest I keep things that are too small for me saying 'I loved you in that dress' and things like that and also does the same to the kids things. Oh I remember him/her in that. That was so cute. Then takes it never to be seen again.

all off his memories are tied up in items. That's how it feels. Pure nostalgia. This stuff does bring him joy. The sleeping bags, ahhh remember that time we went camping? We can't get rid of them. What about if the others aren't warm enough? What about if they get damaged. We'll keep them as spares...and so on and so on.

What would happen if you hired a skip and put all the stuff he hasn't touched for years in it?

He'd never do anything about it. I've thought about this so many times but also we don't really have anywhere to put one as although we have a drive we have to park the car on there and there's no on street parking where we are, well there is but it's an issue

He wouldn't have to do anything about it. You hire the skip for a certain length of time and then they come and pick it up and your stuff is gone. Problem solved.

Are you both on the mortgage? I think the situation is untenable. Your dc, as you say, are being impacted. What reason does he give for retaining everything?

I am sorry but I don't think you understand hoarding, you can't do it for someone. That seriously impacts their mental health. To root through and destroy or remove his things would be akin to forcing someone with agoraphobia to leave the house, someone with anxiety to public speak or someone with anorexia to eat. He needs professional help.

I have done a lot of reading on the subject and have attended training through my job in NHS so I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is not a choice he has made, it is an illness and a compulsion. I am sad for him as to see someone you love fixated on tangible/physical things to the expense of all the relationships they hold dear is very sad, but my frustration lies with his inability to see it as the problem it is, his reluctance to do anything about it and his ignorance in seeing the impact that it has on those around him, in particular me.

The children don't seem to notice it, the majority is kept out of their sight and I just avoid those rooms in the house but I sense that this is a bigger issue for my partner and is probably masking some deep unhappiness and therefore just want to help him really, but I'm out of energy, patience and very nearly empathy.

I am thinking a lot about myself recently, my children and what I'd do differently and I suppose a lot of what I'd do differently is stifled by his refusal to accept change, his reluctance to try new things so he lives a very nostalgic life, it's hard to explain. Holidays to the same place he visited as a child, retelling the same storks and reliving experiences he has had but reluctance to try new ones.

Some possible approaches-

Other people need and will use some of these things. Let's donate them to charity.

It's unfair to limit the space the rest of us have in the house because you have several rooms to yourself.

We can't possibly sell this house, have anyone to stay, move house, while we have so much excess stuff.

I'd say it can't be tackled head on, just chipped away at around the edges. It probably needs medication.
It probably needs to be discussed in a non confrontational way- 'I've made a list of some things I'm concerned about. Will you have a think about them and talk to me later? You know I love you and am trying to make our lives together easier'.

Is it possible there is autism in his family? There's a hoarding/autism link in my family. I use similar approaches to help with both.

For a while, selling on EBay replaced hoarding in that he bought stuff and sold on instead of just keeping it all. The box collection got out of hand though. Now we're acquiring things through Amazon vine reviews and it's getting out of hand again.

That's really good advice but unfortunately I am not the most level headed of people and so what often happens is I raise it when I'm already angry and it just escalates to unfathomable 'he versus me' which is why I feel sometimes that I have little choice but to leave.

earlier before writing this thread we had a huge fall out and since then he's been in his office sorting out boxes of things, which is progress but I can't get involved so I'm letting him be but the urge to go and look or see what he intends to keep is killing me so he is sorting things out with a view to have things in the loft he said but I feel like it's a one shoe out of the door type scenario, he will increase his activity when I am feeling this way but tomorrow or the day after he'll see I'm appeased by this minimal effort and he will move half the boxes back in and start all over again. This is the pattern. Funnily enough someone on here said earlier they don't want their children having the burden of a million things to sort and I feel the same way about him. It makes me angry that if anything happened to him I'd have all this to do on top of my grief.

Having both lost our parents over the last few years means that we are both aware of the stress of having things to sort so the idea that on top of everything else I'll have a million boxes of god knows what, it frustrates me.