AIBU partner hoarding

[Alana1983]

My partner has a problem with hoarding. We've lived together for several years and have children. His hoarding is confined mostly to the garage, shed/outbuilding the spare bedroom and his office. It's bad. Like space to the desk bad, boxes as high as my head bad. Every surface/space filled with 'stuff'

i suppose I feel like I've been tolerant for all these years and have tried and tried to get him to see that it has a knock on effect but we are falling out more and more because the longer it goes on, the worse it is as obviously he adds to it and won't throw things away.

i do the majority of the buying so I buy most of his clothes for example, he isn't really a shopper so when we got together I 'kitted' him out in new clothes but he's kept all his old ones. He has jackets that are 20 years old and 3 sizes too big. Literally saves everything. You know. Just in case. When we moved he just moved in with chests of drawers full of clothes/stuff that I he can't access as there are boxes/bags piled up in front of so I'm talking years of untouched things and I feel it's weighing down on me. Inevitably it does impact on us because occasionally his stuff migrates into other rooms. Tools appear in the house, books from his college course 20 years ago and he no longer even works in that field. Old shoes, clothes. He retains things that have a place within the house. So for example paper and stationary, wrapping paper, cards he bought for his family members that have since passed away (I suppose I understand that one) but he keeps all this clutter in his 'spaces' when there are allocated areas for this type of thing. He sees things as his and mine. So that's my pen. That's my cello tape. He still refers to his cups or bowls, or pans, when we merged our houses 10 years ago.

He retains things that are many years old and rarely replaces things but when he does, he keeps the old ones so we have old hifis, TVs, old tents when we've replaced our some years ago, you name it, we have it. Old washers in the garage. Bikes that both kids have grown out of.

i am the buyer and I spend and also tend to throw/give a lot away, my stuff, the kids etc as I have to feel like I'm helping to reduce the clutter somehow but I can't even touch anything that belongs to him. His anger when I have gone into the room(s) or touched his stuff is unbelievable. He completely loses control and he is mostly a really calm, placid person. But I can no longer speak to him as he says I'm trying to control him and I'm just trying to take back what I think is the control that his problem has over the both of us.

i work in mental health so absolutely recognise that this is a serious problem for him but I'm so angry that he won't accept help I just don't know what to do anymore, other than leave. He can never find anything so jobs don't get done or get half done as he can't find this or whatever.

Every 6 months this comes up and I say I've had enough and he says he'll get help and I recognise a pattern in which I see myself as the victim of his behaviours but it's hard not to have empathy for him when I understand for him it's an absolute compulsion. But how long must I put up with it when it makes me so
miserable?

So, AIBU to leave and break up my family over an overwhelming sadness that I can no longer cope with this life?

It is the only way I can see of taking back control of my own space, mental health and destiny.

I think I've been more tolerant than most would be because of my history in working with people with mental health. I recognise that it's not a choice he's making and that he has a problem but it's the impact that has on us

Hi Alana,
I'm a hoarder. 2nd generation, but presenting so very different to my parent as to have not even realized until I was in deep problems with it.

My parent btw also chose the hoard over me when forced to make impossible choices. very painful for a child, but I now understand the stupidity of telling someone to cease to have a mental health condition as some sort of proof they love you!

Being a hoarder is a truly horrible place to be. I've spent a lot of time learning and understanding, and managing the condition, and have a fair amount of insight, and have spent an awful lot of time and energy helping others with HD achieve livable in houses out of the unlivable chaos.

Your DH and your situation is far from unsalvagable, but you both need to want to salvage it enough. That's not actually the same thing as him doing what you think equals proof of it, btw.

This isn't about if you're reasonable or not, this is about his issues, your issues. and that right at this moment you're seeing only black white options. (rather like him by the sounds of it)

You've implied you know a reasonable amount about hoarding and that you work with it, and it's refreshing to read your recognition that it's a MH condition rather than a choice, but I I have to agree with JuneJubilee that you might not know as much as you think you do or need too. (or maybe there's a lot you do that you haven't mentioned here)

I'm allegedly not your average hoarder, but while superficially I do things differently (more socially acceptable ways) there's still lots of commonality underneath.

One thing that particularly stands out to me is that 'he wont accept help.' I don't want to offend you, because my heart goes out to you, you clearly care, and clearly get some of the issue, but I haven't seen any actual genuine help that would help the average hoarder, that's he's turned down?

I can see lots of well meaning attempted intervention from you, but what is the actual 'help' he's refused?

I can also see something really important that isn't being properly understood regarding clearing his parents stuff.

He has a huge back story here. His earlier total rage literally howls volumes of untold story to me.

Do you know what it is?

Knowing and understanding it is one starting point for both of you, separately and together, but there are others.

You mentioned counseling that he never actually got, but you haven't mentioned what sort of counseling or what the exact aim there was?

You've talked about not embarrassing him, is this a dreadful family secret for both of you? Is he ashamed?

If so, is that from him, or both of you?

Dealing with this situation day in day out, for years on end, just sounds so depressing and draining. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? What effect is all this having on your mental health and your DC? You can’t change someone’s behaviour if they don’t want/ are unable to change.

@babyjellyfish that would be hugely damaging to someone with hoarding disorder

Maybe the charity Hoarding UK could help - they have a support line for people affected by hoarding

BTW I'm taking a particular route based on you say you don't want to leave, you're just at 'can't see other options' point so are talking yourself into it.
If you actually want to go, and are actually seeking permission to do so, you need no one's agreement and absolutely should.

babyjellyfish

What would happen if you hired a skip and put all the stuff he hasn't touched for years in it?

Quick way to destroy him, and the relationship, on the way out.

I'm sorry if I've given the impression that I'm an expert in hoarding as I'm not. I consider myself well read as I've done a lot of research and I've worked with hoarders in a supportive capacity and attended the hoarding panel through my role in the social sector - the hoarding panel is a meeting of professionals where you all meet to discuss issues, risks and strategies so have been involved in interventions.

The counselling was talk based therapy or person centred therapy and I'm not embarrassed of him but he's embarrassed and would be horrified if people knew.

I don't know where it stems from, honestly.

Yes hes grieving for both of his parents and many of the belongings have connotations with them or his childhood.

I buy him things because I want him to see that he's loved and that's my love language and also to show that things are easy to replace and that you don't have to cling on to things and I think at points in the past I have seen that as complicit and have tried to stop, I don't buy him as much as I used to, in all honesty.

The help I have offered is really just me and an action plan, you know let's sit and discuss how to fix this. Start with the outhouse/garage, reduce the stuff in there and make room for things to then be moved out etc xx

He has jackets that are 20 years old and 3 sizes too big.

I wish my 20 year old jackets were 3 sizes too big. Sadly, they are 3 sizes too small...😂

I've attended a few of those hoarding panels too.
Don't worry about impressions, trying to communicate on message boards always causes some misunderstandings.. It's helpful to hear where you're actually at.

Regarding the 'help', I so get that you're well meaning and care a lot, but that sort of help isn't useful at the stage he's at, and tbh, unless he got a very astute or specialized councilor, that's not going to feel like any sort of actual help from where he's sitting.

I asked about embarrassment, because one of the biggest things he needs is to shed his own shame with himself. It took me to get to seeing suicide as the only way out to do that.

Has he ever met and talked to another hoarder?

Btw I plead with those who buy me things to please keep them very small. If you give me something, I will treasure it, and giving me things certainly wont teach me things are replaceable!

STOP BUYING REPLACEMENT STUFF FOR HIM.
You know what will happen. You've seen it for ten years. You are not going to get him to part with old stuff by buying new stuff. So stop that today, and save your bargain hunting skills for the day when he gets rid of the hoard.

Next time you have a bag ready to throw out, take it straight to the charity shop.

Talk to him about renting a storage locker. You need to reclaim the spare bedroom.

Can you get a group together and do an intervention?

Looking ahead - who owns the house? How much is it worth?

One of the best things about getting divorced has been getting rid of all of his hoarded crap. It is an absolute bliss not being suppressed by someone else's rubbish.

'I buy him things because I want him to see that he's loved and that's my love language' that's actually quite interesting.

I'm not wanting to be cruel here, we are all who we are, but how much do you think it actually makes him feel loved as opposed to maybe it gives him an 'acquiring buzz' which is actually part of his dysfunctional language, and can be confusing.

Please, please, think very carefully about not getting a storage unit unless you are financially very comfortable. It will temporally hide the symptom of the problem without addressing the issue.
Storage units can be used as part of treating hoarding, but not by simply moving the symptoms of a MH condition out of the home.

Chuck it away when he isnt looking. One box at a time.. v cathartic

I would leave even if it required reduced circumstances.

You're not going to change him. Accept that.

I have a friend in a 35-year marriage to a hoarder. It has embittered and aged her, and her children are ashamed of their father and the way they grew up.

You cannot do this, it is down to the person themselves. It's just not on to throw their stuff out. It would cause more problems than it solves.

I just don't know what to do anymore, other than leave

You know what you have to do.

Could you start by agreeing that for anything new that comes into the house something old has to go from now on? As a final attempt at compromise before you leave? Like if you could agree to do this and he was able to get used to the idea that things have to go? The thing could be photographed - catalogued? So it's not gone and forgotten? I remember Mr Trebus - I hope your husband doesn't ever reach that point, but to save your own sanity if he doesn't do something now, you have to leave, because eventually both of you will be living in a tiny space surrounded by junk. It's a sad sad thing, I feel for you.

OP, sorry to be so harsh, but - WTF? All I am seeing is you making excuses for him. Oh, his mental health; oh, he lost his parents; oh, it would embarrass him if I left him … on, and on, excuse after excuse. Meanwhile your children are living in a firetrap with an unhappy mother! Yay!!

Stop fucking about.

He is not the centre of the universe - although you are behaving as if he is. It frankly doesn’t matter whether his hoarding is a compulsion and not a choice, his hoarding impacts you and the children badly. (Are the children his? What ages?)

Stop prioritising him, start prioritising your children and yourself. He is not going to change - accept it. Move on. Move out. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Stop. Fucking. About.

When you get to 'drowning' in stuff whether it's tidy and clean, or chaotic and dirty, it's the visible symptom of a deep and serious internal mess, that can no longer hide itself.
Often the person it's happening to is unaware they have a problem beyond 'too much stuff' / 'not enough storage' until they try to deal with that symptom. By that point others are unhappy, and they're trying to deal with discovering they actually aren't ok, at exactly the same time that others are demanding they become magically ok.

The 'stuff' is the symptom of the condition. Every time someone says 'throw it away', 'get a skip' 'get it out of the house', 'tell him to choose' etc, they are saying deal with the symptoms not the illness.

It's like sneakily force feeding calories to an anorexic so that the symptom of their MH condition is lessened, so they can be expected to pretend they're not ill in front of others!

This 'you and what's happening to you, don't matter, just the symptoms of your illness' add to building up the internalized shame in the first place.

I suspect shame plays a huge role in his life.

Were his parents warm? Cold? Inclined to be very cut and dried? Impatient? Rigid? Dour? Pessimists? 'Spare the rod and spoil the child'? How was his childhood? Did he belong to a religion that emphasized hellfire and damnation? What were his schools like?

Elleherd so how do I help deal with the illness then?

OP you need to try to find the root cause of the hoarding and address that.

Or rather, you need to find a therapist who will address that with him.

Could you start by encouraging him to find a therapist to talk about the recent loss of his parents? Maybe go to therapy yourself too?

This sounds really sad and possibly he is grief stricken which added to the hoarding situation and made it worse. Would he consider bereavement counselling?

It must be so hard for you. I think you have to sit him down once and for all to make changes or you will leave. But this time you must mean it and follow through - maybe that would be the wake up call he needs? You will never know until you try it.

otherwise what’s the alternative? 5 yrs, 10 yrs - same situation 🤷‍♀️

I hope you find a solution.