33 DD and the amount of time bf stays.

[Muchalover]

AIBU (it would help if I was so that it could be resolved).

Did, 33, moved in with me 3 years ago after marriage ended. Her now 4 ds lives with us when not at his dad's.

Recently she got a new bf (she's had a couple short term relationships but they had their own homes). She wants him to spend time at home. IMO too much time. I like my privacy and struggle to manage the loss of this. I agreed two nights a week with an occasional third but this means he's here first thing in the morning for 3 whole days with her inviting him back the morning after he's gone to his mum's.

She tells me he's staying but there's no discussion, she will inform me when I'm tired or busy and I don't feel able to say no but I also don't say yes.

This weekend he was also here when my adult son had a stomach bug (from the little one) and I had dehydration after a trip all the way to London with an early start and delayed train home getting in at past 10pm (Iive in Devon).

Per se I don't have a problem with him although he's not someone I would seek out.

My DD and I's relationship has broken down to the point I think we need professional help.

I work from home and have said it's not ok for him to be at the house for those days as I am having confidential meetings but she says that's not fair.

TBH I just want my home back. I can tolerate him the 2 days but don't want any more. She's at his mum's 2 nights a week and I don't see why he can't pay for a hotel as currently noones paying towards my additional costs (and she doesn't do any cleaning).

She can't afford to move out.

AIBU.

Not unreasonable at all. Tell her that in future you will be sticking to the agreement - which is 2 nights.

Shes a 33 year old mother, she needs to find a away to make moving out work.

Well she's going to have to move out isn't she if she's so bloody disrespectful.

Kick her out. She's lazy and totally taking the piss.

She's a woman in her 30s! Why are her and her boyfriend living with their mummies at all! You and his mum need to kick out your giant cuckoos.

Yanbu! She's completely taking the mick.

They're in their 30s! Id make allowances if they were 19.... these are fully grown adults and need to find their own place to live.

Why can't she afford to move out? She needs to get a job. Just put your foot down! She can go and stay at his with him and his mum when she doesn't have her DS. Simple. If she doesn't want to then she needs to move out.

She's taking the piss

YANBU.

This is your home not your DD’s.

Has she been saving up the 3 years she’s been living with you to move out? Does she work?

Id expect this behaviour from teenagers but not adults in their 30’s.

YANBU. She can move out if she's unhappy.

If she wants a relationship with sleepovers she needs to find her own home.

I just wouldn't put up with this. Why are you so passive OP? Of course your daughter can afford her own place, she's had three years to sort her shit out. The only person who can resolve this situation is you.

Time she found her own home I think

She can't afford to move out? She's a grown up with a child. She needs to get off her arse and sort it out. You're there so she can work two jobs to save up. I bloody did at that age when my first marriage failed.

You've made it too comfortable.

It’s not her home. She doesn’t get to choose, simple as that

Doesn't she have a job?
Surely moving back home is a stopgap until enough money is saved, or training finished, so moving out is possible (?)

Are you in an area blighted by second home ownership and holiday rentals? Or is it possible for her to move into a shared rental with him?

If its causing you stress I'd just say Jo ovenright visitors. Surely her moving in was meant to be temporary whilst she sorted herself out, not permanent. I can't imagine not doing everything humenly possible to not have to live at home in my 30s!

You need to tell her that you don't want the bf staying over - I guarantee she'll find the money to move out!
She's had it too good for too long at yours snd now she's totally taking the piss. You need to take back your house!

If you say no to him staying at all it might give her the push she needs to work something out re finding a place to live

It's not always possible to 'Just move out' as a single person or single mum. However old you are. I have a friend who is 38, single, works in care and there's no way she could even afford rent on a place but she's certainly not lazy. Does tons around the house and is respectful.
The problem here is your daughter is not. That's what what make me tell her to make her choice. Either she respects you and your home or she can get out.

Shes now the woman of your home Op and it’s time you took the role back from her. Why can’t she afford her own place to stay with her son?

I would tell her that she and the DC always have a home with you however that is it you are happy to support her getting back on her feet but don't want the BF staying at all. If she wants to see her BF she needs to do it during the day or go to a hotel etc.

I'm a single mum, when I went back home to live with my parents I wouldn't have dreamed of doing what she has, I was incredibly grateful for their support. I put all my energy into finding a suitable job, helping out around the house as I couldn't afford to contribute etc. She on the other hand is a CF and taking the piss.

What was the breakdown of her relationship like, is she vulnerable, jumping into relationships quickly, out of the frying pan into the fire? As that might have some bearing. However it is your house and you deserve to be comfortable no matter what that looks like.

@Muchalover YANBU at all! You've been accommodating in agreeing to your DD's BF staying 2 nights per week and now it has evolved to 3 while they stay only 2 nights with his Mum... that isn't fair and particularly as you work from home and need privacy. I wouldn't like it either and you're right why can't they stay at a hotel for 1 night instead!

Surely they want privacy as they're adults in the 30's but seem to be acting like randy teenagers looking for a place to do it! Are they both working in steady jobs? I hope they're responsible with some things as otherwise you might have another grandchild on the way and living with you as well! The bottom line is it's your house so you make the rules and they need to understand that...

Is she financially contributing to the running of the home?

Of course she can move out - there's help out there to house single parents. I know, I am one and have needed such help in the past.

If she wants to play house with this new man then she needs to move out. I don’t understand why she can’t afford this? Does she work? Has she applied for housing? What financial help is she getting from her former husband? The child needs his own home too.