33 DD and the amount of time bf stays.

[Muchalover]

AIBU (it would help if I was so that it could be resolved).

Did, 33, moved in with me 3 years ago after marriage ended. Her now 4 ds lives with us when not at his dad's.

Recently she got a new bf (she's had a couple short term relationships but they had their own homes). She wants him to spend time at home. IMO too much time. I like my privacy and struggle to manage the loss of this. I agreed two nights a week with an occasional third but this means he's here first thing in the morning for 3 whole days with her inviting him back the morning after he's gone to his mum's.

She tells me he's staying but there's no discussion, she will inform me when I'm tired or busy and I don't feel able to say no but I also don't say yes.

This weekend he was also here when my adult son had a stomach bug (from the little one) and I had dehydration after a trip all the way to London with an early start and delayed train home getting in at past 10pm (Iive in Devon).

Per se I don't have a problem with him although he's not someone I would seek out.

My DD and I's relationship has broken down to the point I think we need professional help.

I work from home and have said it's not ok for him to be at the house for those days as I am having confidential meetings but she says that's not fair.

TBH I just want my home back. I can tolerate him the 2 days but don't want any more. She's at his mum's 2 nights a week and I don't see why he can't pay for a hotel as currently noones paying towards my additional costs (and she doesn't do any cleaning).

She can't afford to move out.

AIBU.

I wouldn't want him there at all.

Why can't she live in her own home? Are you convenient childcare?

Oh, and I bet she doesn't pay extra for him to stay?

You're making it much too cushy for her to want to move out.

Well, she’s going to have to find a way to make getting her own home work, isn’t she? She’s 33. Are you supposed to subsidise her forever?

I don’t think she’s said who pays for what?

I wouldn’t want him there either. If you can’t relax in your own just where can you relax?

What's her work situation op? Why can't she move out?

Of course yanbu. Your house your rules.

Just out of interest where is the 4y/o when the boyfriend is around?

I wouldn’t let him stay over at all and I would give her six months to find her own place and move out.

Why do you hope you Abu so 'it can get resolved' op?

You are in this mess in the first place because you put up and shut up.

You need to find your voice. She is an adult living like a teenage girl. She needs to grow up.

Tell your daughter the overnights with the BF at your home are now a thing of the past. Tell her this is because she and he have taken the piss and you are feeling used and disrespected. Your home is your workplace and they have been massively disruptive. I'm guessing since the BF is there for three solid days neither your DD nor the BF have jobs.

Don't agree to any compromise. They've blown your trust when they stretched the occasional three nights into a solid, consistent half a week - tell her the pair of them need to find a place of their own if they want to live together. Or a hotel.

If you're not already doing it, you need to charge your DD rent of at least one third of whatever money she earns or gets in UC or other benefits. Tell her if she doesn't pay you will pack her belongings and change the locks. She needs to set up direct debit for payment weekly, paid in advance.

A man who is probably in his 30s who spends half his time at his mother's and half his time at the house of his girlfriend's mother sounds like a loser.

Kindly, you need to stop being a doormat.

It's your home, you've opened the door to her in her hour of need out of kindness and love.

And you're being taken the piss out of. She's 33, not 13. Enough of the adult sleepovers. Maybe banning him may help her focus on getting her own home again.

She needs to find her own place. And the sleep overs will need to drop to once a week until she goes (and that’s being generous!). You will probably find your relationship will improve once she’s grown up and moved out.

I do so love these threads and the 'KICK OUT YOUR CHILD' comments like every parent in the world is going to just change the locks and not give a second thought to where their child and grandchild might be living.

I'm not suggesting the OP needs to entertain the boyfriend - of course she doesn't - but the number of posters who scream 'KICK OUT YOUR CHILD' for the slightest misdemeanor or clash in lifestyles is staggering.

We don't know anything about the OP's daughter's circumstances. Chances are living independently would be financially difficult, which is why she's at her mum's FFS.

But hey, in Mumsnet world, who gives a shit if your kid's on the streets. KICK THEM OUT.

It's your house and your space. She needs to go to his place if you don't want him over. Is she working/saving to move out?

Who’s told her to kick her out?

Most of the comments I’ve read is posters curious about the DDs saving/working situation?

The Op wants her house back. Her privacy. There isn’t much compromising to do other than her adult daughter (who is also a mother) finds the means and finances to move out.

So you're also babysitting her child twice a week when she stays at her boyfriend's?

YANBU at all. She needs to find somewhere else. Don't make it too comfy for her or she'll never leave.

FYI I'm a single mum and would not impose on my own mum for this length of time, as much as we are close.

Thanks all.

She works about 30 hours a week but as is much work it's fairly low paid.

It has helped me to keep my resolve and I think writing a contract of what I believe is reasonable: housework before arrival, no mornings unless pre-arranged to go out for day, week ahead planning.

She could get a second job to boost her pay and contribution when tiddler is with his dad.

Feel more sure now, I really appreciate the responses.

Of course she can afford to move out. It's called claiming universal credit and registering as homeless with the council. You'll need to actually make her homeless not say she can stay until they find her something. If she doesn't like that option she can hurry up and get a job that enables her to rent privately and move out of the council accommodation. If she can't afford private rent in your area she can go live in another area. Both of them are taking advantage. 3yrs is plenty long enough to sort herself out. She's forgotten she's a guest in your home and is treating it like a house share, except she's paying no rent or bills! Perhaps they'd like to move in together, since they're spending so much time at each others parents homes it would seem things have got to that stage. Then they'd have two salaries to pay for everything.

I thought this was going to be a thread about awkward-fitting bras...

Took me a re-read to realise that you’re talking about a 33 year old, not a teen. She’s totally taking the piss. Tell her she should be saving to move out and find a place of her own, and in the meantime she needs to help with the housework, contribute financially if she isn’t already, and realise that two nights a week for her bf to stay is more than generous, and she should stop taking advantage of the fact that you’ve opened up your home to her without question.

Why can’t she afford to move out? Are you saying she doesn’t pay rent or do chores? Then she has no right to have guests, imo. Woman up and put your foot down.

Absolutely disrespectful.

I simply wouldn't be accepting of such a constant massive intrusion.

She needs to focus on extra pay rather than a love life.

You are doing her no favours allowing her to be a selfish arse.

All these people in YOUR house and she doesn't lift a finger?

She really needs her own place again.

She's a selfish waster OP that is using you and your home, as is her boyfriend 🙄

Can she and the BF get a place together? (Why is he living with his mum?)