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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

33 DD and the amount of time bf stays.

77 replies

Muchalover · 19/06/2022 18:38

AIBU (it would help if I was so that it could be resolved).

Did, 33, moved in with me 3 years ago after marriage ended. Her now 4 ds lives with us when not at his dad's.

Recently she got a new bf (she's had a couple short term relationships but they had their own homes). She wants him to spend time at home. IMO too much time. I like my privacy and struggle to manage the loss of this. I agreed two nights a week with an occasional third but this means he's here first thing in the morning for 3 whole days with her inviting him back the morning after he's gone to his mum's.

She tells me he's staying but there's no discussion, she will inform me when I'm tired or busy and I don't feel able to say no but I also don't say yes.

This weekend he was also here when my adult son had a stomach bug (from the little one) and I had dehydration after a trip all the way to London with an early start and delayed train home getting in at past 10pm (Iive in Devon).

Per se I don't have a problem with him although he's not someone I would seek out.

My DD and I's relationship has broken down to the point I think we need professional help.

I work from home and have said it's not ok for him to be at the house for those days as I am having confidential meetings but she says that's not fair.

TBH I just want my home back. I can tolerate him the 2 days but don't want any more. She's at his mum's 2 nights a week and I don't see why he can't pay for a hotel as currently noones paying towards my additional costs (and she doesn't do any cleaning).

She can't afford to move out.

AIBU.

OP posts:
YouCantSpellAmericaWithoutErica · 19/06/2022 20:41

She’s been living in your house for 3 years already. What’s her longterm plan for her and her child? Massive sympathy on struggling to afford to move out, however this is still your house and as such, you get final say on house guests. Does she pay towards any bills?

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 19/06/2022 20:43

She needs to move out. So disrespectful.

MeridianB · 19/06/2022 20:54

She is stunningly selfish. Living with you for three years so far and doesn’t do any housework or contribute to having her BF there half the time?

She is now saying “it’s unfair” for him not to be able to hang around your house all day while you’re working and taking confidential calls? She is acting like a 13yo.

Please tell her the BF can’t stay any more. She needs to focus on a plan to find her own home for her and her son. At just 4 surely he needs his mum to himself a bit more than 2 nights a week?

mrsfoof · 19/06/2022 20:54

She's 33 but behaving like she's 13. Your house, your rules. Stick to your guns.
If she doesn't like it, she can move out and do whatever she likes under her own roof.

Testina · 19/06/2022 21:46

You’re being more than fair letting her live there and have 2 nights with him staying!

This is a bit weird though:

“This weekend he was also here when my adult son had a stomach bug (from the little one) and I had dehydration after a trip all the way to London with an early start and delayed train home getting in at past 10pm (Iive in Devon)”

If my mum was annoyed at my boyfriend stay (as per usual agreement) simply because for some unknown reason she hasn’t drunk water on a day out… I’d probably be struggling with the relationship too.

Thepossibility · 19/06/2022 21:59

If she can't afford to move out she should be incredibly grateful that someone has provided a roof over her and her child's head. SHE SHOULD BE CLEANING. If she has so much time for boyfriends she has plenty of time for cleaning and working more hours. She shouldn't have the new boyfriend over at someone else's home that doesn't want him there! I hope she isn't having him there when her son is there. I hope she pays you for providing for her and her child. This is a ridiculous situation. She is behaving like a petulant teenager.

Ragwort · 19/06/2022 22:07

You are being ridiculous- it's not a matter of kicking her out but just making it clear that he boyfriend doesn't stay over. She is being totally disrespectful towards you.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 19/06/2022 22:15

muchalover · 19/06/2022 20:06

Thanks all.

She works about 30 hours a week but as is much work it's fairly low paid.

It has helped me to keep my resolve and I think writing a contract of what I believe is reasonable: housework before arrival, no mornings unless pre-arranged to go out for day, week ahead planning.

She could get a second job to boost her pay and contribution when tiddler is with his dad.

Feel more sure now, I really appreciate the responses.

Don't bother with a contract. Your realtuonshionis breaking down. It is time to discuss her leaving.

Heronwatcher · 19/06/2022 22:20

No YANBU. To be honest I think the 2 nights is probably a bit too much. Why can’t she go to his place? Or the 2 of them get a bnb- they are both fully grown adults and should be capable of this?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/06/2022 22:21

She's 33? She needs to move out! If she doesn't have much income write her a note saying she needs to leave and send her off to the council. Some areas have shorter waiting times than others

mswales · 19/06/2022 22:27

If she moved out into a private rental property she would be eligible for universal credit if she is on a low income which doesn't cover the rent, if her son was living with her.

AnotherDelphinium · 19/06/2022 22:40

I’d introduce the ‘boyfriend rule’. They can stay over as many nights each week, as she stays at his (his mums). The worst case is three nights, which is what you’re already getting, and you’ve got the bonus of that will mean they’re definitely not around for three nights either. However, if child care means she can only actually go to his mums for two, then he’ll only be at yours for two nights. It’s an “easier” way of re-introducing and enforcing the existing rules.

Going forwards, what needs to happen for her to get her own place? I’m assuming that actually you need to formally kick her out and provide a letter saying so, so she can present to the council as homeless and will get emergency accommodation so they’re finally out your home. Then she’ll hopefully start to aspire to something of her own.

Good luck!

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/06/2022 23:16

Testina · 19/06/2022 21:46

You’re being more than fair letting her live there and have 2 nights with him staying!

This is a bit weird though:

“This weekend he was also here when my adult son had a stomach bug (from the little one) and I had dehydration after a trip all the way to London with an early start and delayed train home getting in at past 10pm (Iive in Devon)”

If my mum was annoyed at my boyfriend stay (as per usual agreement) simply because for some unknown reason she hasn’t drunk water on a day out… I’d probably be struggling with the relationship too.

@Testina

OP doesn’t need a good enough reason though or even a reason at all.

It is her house.

Her daughter is 33.

Daughter needs to grow up and move out into her own place and then can see her BF any time she wants.

It really is that simple.

19lottie82 · 19/06/2022 23:27

Is she paying market rent? If so I’d say she’s entitled to have her partner stay over. If not, then she isn’t.

Testina · 19/06/2022 23:29

Of course it’s her house, @LuckySantangelo35 and I did start by saying she’s more than fair to house her daughter and let the boyfriend stay.

But once you’ve agreed to that, I think it would be a bit odd (and unfair) to complain about him being there just because you’re dehydrated from a day out. OP got back at 10pm so presumably he was already there. I’m just finding that bit really weird - was he supposed to go home at 10pm because she forgot to have a drink on the train home?

Dontgetmestarted65 · 19/06/2022 23:30

She needs to grow the fuck up. "It's not fair" it's not her house. The fact hes staying over at all is a huge imposition. I wouldn't allow more than one night. Where's her kid in all this? She's spending 5 nights a week with her boyfriend.

She can't afford to move out.
then she needs to be trying not to get kicked out and not impose on you and help you out. She's 33 for christ sake!

saleorbouy · 20/06/2022 00:00

As a grown woman and mother she needs to grow up and find a way to create her own life and rent some accommodation.
I'd start by charging her rent so that staying with you is not an easy option and split the domestic bills.
She's currently living a free high life so there's no impetus to take on the role of a responsible adult and she won't unless you make her.
Hopefully then you can work on your relationship.
You shouldn't feel uncomfortable in you own home so stick to your rules on her partners visits. If she doesn't like it she can move out.

Grumpusaurus · 20/06/2022 00:30

Time to kick the cheeky mare out!

mathanxiety · 20/06/2022 00:34

Don't try a contract unless you want your ungrateful daughter to laugh in your face. Things have gone way past the contract stage.

Regardless of what she's making, tell her she forks over one third of it to you weekly, in advance, by direct debit, or she's out on her arse, and her BF doesn't get to stay over. That is over.

Tell her she can like it or lump it, and that she's lucky you haven't demanded back rent for the three years she's already spent taking the piss.

pixie5121 · 20/06/2022 02:05

What an absolute piss take! I moved back in with my parents at 33 as a stopgap for about 8 weeks after a relationship ended and I had nowhere else to go, and I felt bad about that. Imagine being 33 and thinking it's OK for your bf to be in your mum's house when she's trying to work 😮

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/06/2022 11:50

Testina · 19/06/2022 23:29

Of course it’s her house, @LuckySantangelo35 and I did start by saying she’s more than fair to house her daughter and let the boyfriend stay.

But once you’ve agreed to that, I think it would be a bit odd (and unfair) to complain about him being there just because you’re dehydrated from a day out. OP got back at 10pm so presumably he was already there. I’m just finding that bit really weird - was he supposed to go home at 10pm because she forgot to have a drink on the train home?

@Testina

yeah he could go home at 10pm

what’s so shocking about that?

he’s a fully grown man he would be fine

Sloth66 · 26/06/2022 12:25

she’s 33 , not a teenager. She needs to get her own place and live her life how she wants, and you deserve peace and quiet , especially if you’re working from home.
its not on to have the boyfriend there 3 days. She’s abusing your hospitality.

RebOrHon · 26/06/2022 12:54

Massive p-take by your DD. I suppose you’re the unpaid baby sitter while she’s off shagging her BF, too? She needs to start acting her age and taking responsibility for herself. Tell her that the boyfriend’s not staying over because it doesn’t work for you. Hopefully they’ll take the hint and she’ll move out. Otherwise you could find the BF moving in, time to put your foot down HARD. Enlist the help of your other DC if need be.

Marvellousmadness · 26/06/2022 12:56

Your house. Your rules. She can live elsewhere if she doesn't want to oblige. She sounds like a CF she is taking the piss .

Perfect28 · 26/06/2022 13:06

This story is so incongruous. Why did you get dehydrated because you travelled to London? Why don't you just ask her to move out?