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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL always asking if I'm still breastfeeding

119 replies

feedingababy · 19/06/2022 09:23

I found it difficult to feed my first and stopped after a few weeks. I felt terrible to stop. MIL knows this as I broke down in tears once about it.

My second baby who's only 8 weeks has been a bit easier, but also difficult. I'm combination feeding. But the breastfeeding is definitely going down a lot now.

Anyway, every time I see MIL she asks if I'm still breastfeeding and it's really upsetting me.

I don't know how to say nicely to not ask about this ?

Someone else has recently had a baby and came to visit and MIL asked if she was breastfeeding or had given up too.

I know I'm sensitive about it. She knows I'm sensitive about it. MIL is a big breastfeeding fan and has made that very clear.

How do I get her to stop asking about it every time ?

OP posts:

LooseGoose22 · 19/06/2022 15:22

*breast feeding, obviously

dolphinsarentcommon · 19/06/2022 15:26

Hallyup89 · 19/06/2022 12:18

Perhaps she just wants to support you? But then hey, she's your mother-in-law, the nasty bitch.

I thought the same. If she wasn't interested in you or your baby or how things were going she'd be shredded for that too.

🤷‍♀️

Mytoddlerisamazing · 19/06/2022 17:25

not the baby anymore, dh decided he no longer wanted to share

This is definitely the best response 😂

HungryandIknowit · 19/06/2022 17:28

I sympathise. It's incredibly upsetting when breastfeeding isn't working well. Babies' immune systems mature over the first 2 - 3 months so you've pretty much done it i.e. you've breastfed your baby over their most vulnerable period. Your husband should already have said something. I'd suggest reiterating to him that it's his role to deal with his mum in order to protect your mental health. However, if he won't, I agree with others - you need to be direct and shut the conversation down. A simple 'I don't want to talk about it' (on repeat if necessary), then 'mmmm' to any further questions. Don't be afraid of awkward silences. If you make her feel uncomfortable when she asks the question she will stop.

Herejustforthisone · 19/06/2022 20:01

EmilyBolton · 19/06/2022 10:21

I think it’s time to sit down and have a decent conversation with MIL, while baby is not there. Ask DH to look after baby while you and mum go out somewhere public for a cuppa or coffee. Make it public so she can’t get angry
then say you need her help. You both want the best possible start for your babies and that includes feeding them . You both ideally would be happiest if baby was breastfed for as long as possible. Ask it as a question…get her agreement that this is both your intents
Then tell your story. Explain what has happened and why. Explain clearly about what you tried with bf, what didn’t work and how it made you feel, Then tell her how you feel now and how you felt at time particularly with first one around the difficulties. Tell her in terms of “I felt”. Then explain to her how her comments make you feel . Agian phrase it in terms of “I feel” not “you did” - make it about you. Make sure you explain why her comments are so upsetting.
. Use these terms around “you feel anxious” or you feel afraid of her visits. Spell it out .
then ask her why she makes these comments? Get her to tell her story why she is doing it. Ask her why , why, why for every comment she makes but make sure you show you are listening to her by “mirroring “ back ( eg paraphrase what she is saying form time to time to check your understanding”). As you dig into why she is doing this, you may uncover something you didn’t know about her own experiences, r where her passion for bf comes from. It will help you to understand a little more.
Once she has had her say as to why she is doing it. Ask her for her help at how you can get to a point that you do not feel anxious or afraid at seeing her because of the comments she makes- ask her how you can deal with it. Put the ball in her court. Tell her you can’t end the conversation until the problem is fixed becuase it’s not fair on your DH/her DS that you have this difficulty between you. It has to be solved.
of course, she is in the wrong. We all know that. But just asking her to stop will not solive it. you both have to get a space where you share your stories and perspective in a safe, non confrontational way , and not in heat of moment when she is on me of her rants.
This technique is used for difficult conversations where the stakes are high and is trained out in all sorts of industries. But it is also taught 8n another variation in parenting classes. It does work. Needs a bit of effort and isn’t easy ….spelt ime so it is known as “crucial conversations” so you may be able to get more stuff on line on how to do it. Finding the common purpose first , by agreeeing a common goal (in your case that’s easy- you both want healthy happy children) is vital to set the scene and make it “safe” for both parties to share their stories. Listening and acknowledging different views is also hard, but vital. It does work for almost everyone except those that lack EI or are narcissistic or avoidance personality. But let’s assume she is just very passionate and wedded to her ideals, and not very tuned into the fact she is upsetting her DIL.

Or…don’t do this ludicrous suggestion and tell the judgemental and pushy old bint to butt out.

PicklePastry · 19/06/2022 20:18

I don't think you need to share anything. Since your husband is unwilling to address it, what about saying the following in a SUPER concerned tone of voice:

MIL, I'm sure you don't realize this but everytime I see you you ask me about breastfeeding, you seem really fixated on it and I just wanted to make sure you're feeling OK? Obviously it's kind of a private topic and considered a bit rude so I wasn't sure if you remembered all those other times that you've asked? My nan used to repeat herself a lot but they have some really good medications now that can help with early intervention for memory concerns.

OR
[Said with a big smile]
What a funny question! You ask me about it a lot, did you realize? I'm a bit tired of talking about it to be honest, I'm sure between the two of us we can come up with something else to talk about.

And then anytime she brings it up again after that I would do a raised eyebrows and bemused look and say "same as the last time you asked!"

I don't think you need to worry to much about being very mildly rude considering she's being extremely rude and husband won't deign to set her straight.

Also, STOP BREASTFEEDING IF YOU WANT TO, the pressure put on moms to breastfeed is insane and it just doesn't work sometimes, the same person can have two totally different breastfeeding experiences with different babies. Do you have a group of mom friends you can bitch about her with?

Calphurnia88 · 21/06/2022 11:08

Some great advice already. If it were me, I would reply with a terse 'yes' and change the subject every time to get the message across, but I'm conflict avoidant. You might have the confidence to say 'can you please stop asking MIL.'

As an aside, it did and does still annoy me that people seem to think they have free reign to make comments and ask all sorts of intrusive questions about your body when you're pregnant/post partum. I know a lot of the time it's just making conversation, but any other time would these people be asking you questions about your breasts? I don't think so.

GreatStuff67 · 21/06/2022 11:33

Like others have said, just tell her exactly how you feel. 'It's really hard to be asked about breastfeeding. Please don't ask me again.' Then if she asks again repeat yourself, 'I've said before I don't want to talk about breastfeeding.' If she really keeps going on 'I've said no, we're not talking about this.'

Thinkingblonde · 21/06/2022 23:01

feedingababy · 19/06/2022 09:51

She also always has to ask about older DC 2 and a half and why she's not potty trained yet etc. and how that's going etc. honestly I hate it so much. All these questions about how I'm basically not doing a good job !

You are doing a great job. I used to say, “at the end of the day, baby is being fed, and that is all that matters”
Just tell ‘em straight op, it’s the only language they’ll understand. They aren’t worried about upsetting you so don’t you be afraid of speaking up

FortniteBoysMum · 21/06/2022 23:08

Personally tell her no even if you are then she will stop asking alternatively tell her you will feed your child how you chose and so long as they are being fed it does not concern anyone else.

billy1966 · 21/06/2022 23:09

OP,

There is a type of woman who uses breastfeeding to bully others.

Your MIL is one, so is her daughter.

Unsurprisingly your unsympathetic arse of a husband hasn't your back.

Doesn't fully acknowledge your PND.

A waster.

Any chance you can go home for a bit?

For some kindness and support that waster you married isn't giving you?

If you can at all go home for a bit.

IssaBaby · 21/06/2022 23:45

Im part of the 'say it how it is' brigade so id suggest to tell her to stop fucking going on about it next time she asks.

However. If the blunt approach will resort in bad relations lol then there is a more subtle (ish) approach.

GET READY FOR IT OP - Let's set the scene.

Next time she's at yours just be a bit openly moody. Youre having a bad day, hormones, the lot. Everything sets you off. One of them days.
THEN.
Get a 'phonecall' from someone.
'Hi Jane, no I can't im busy, DC wants a feed...'
The you pause before you tell pretend phone person 'you know what Jane? If another fucking person asks me if I've stopped breastfeeding, I will fucking rip their hair straight off their head'.
Slam phone down.
Look MIL in the eye.
And say. 'Some fucking people just don't know when to fucking let go'

And....scene
(I've had 2 glasses of wine..)

DangerouslyBored · 22/06/2022 04:56

so many long posts here, suggesting acting out long winded scenarios and scripts of how to approach the MiL

Just tell her to stop asking about BF 🤷🏻‍♀️ no need for all the pretend scenarios worthy of a Shakespearean play.

Heyisforhorses · 22/06/2022 05:46

feedingababy · 19/06/2022 09:51

Breastfeeding question - put on your furrowed brow and confused look - "why do you keep asking about that, it's very weird how obsessed you are"

Toilet training question - "is she fck, she's 2.5 and i have a brand new baby to feed however the fck i want"

Don't let questions like this make your doubt how you are doing. PND is a horrible thing and gives you very negtaive feelings about yourself. Look at your 2 kids, see the baby sleeping happily and snuggling to you feeling safe? That's a good mam. See the 2.5 year old running around fed watered and happy? That's a good mam. If you are struggling BF, stop, that's allowed.

You're doing great, it gets better, you'll get stronger in your thoughts and you'll feel you again. Hugs to you xxx

AgentJohnson · 22/06/2022 06:27

I can understand your upset but……. your MIL is a bitch and it doesn’t sound like she’s going to stop being a bitch. So take the power of her bitchiness away from her. Think of a funny quip or employ grey rock but don’t give her what she wants, which’ is to upset you. A friend printed a set of numbered cards with the same answer to her MIL’ repeated questions. Every time the woman asked her the same question, she would smile and hand her a card with answer on it, every single dam time! Of course the woman got indignant but the smile and the refusal to get sucked in by her BS, ensured that the MIL didn’t feel she was getting the upper hand.

Once you accept her being a bitch, detaching from her becomes a lot easier. Remember, if this behaviour is indicative of her personality then you will need to learn how to deal with her to protect your children from her.

AgentJohnson · 22/06/2022 06:31

Oh and her behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with bf, it’s a powerplay pure and simple, she’s just using bf as a cover. I suspect that this woman’s unpleasantness isn’t a recent development. Don’t get upset, get angry, there’s no excuse for her behaviour, none!

Darbs76 · 22/06/2022 06:33

My mum used to ask me all the time too with ds2. But not because she thought I should be but because she thought it was the reason he was awake a lot in the night. I expressed for a month before I started feeding him from the breast, as he couldn’t latch. So I knew roughly how much milk I had in each breast. Yet she still harped on about it all the time. When I did stop at 7 months and he kept waking until 18 months she had to shut up!

with my DD I had to stop b/f at 3wks as I was hospitalised with bad mastitis / breast infection. I was so upset about it, especially after the difficult start I had with DS2 (didn’t feed DS1 longer than 2 days) so I’d assumed if I had issues I’d express again. Of course I wasn’t account for the fact I’d be in agony and couldn’t express after as my nipple was black and hurt for months. It’s 14yrs later and it still upsets me. Some people bf so easily and others struggle but even if you do a few days it’s a good start, you’ve done a couple of months now and that’s fantastic. Get your husband to tell her how upsetting it is and back off

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 22/06/2022 06:57

MIL sounds awful but Jeez PicklePastry it's bloody cruel to make someone question their own mental state by insinuating they have dementia. I'm sure the OP doesn't want to be that person.
Just be blunt OP say "Will you stop questioning me about how I'm bringing up my children".

welshladywhois40 · 22/06/2022 10:32

Hello. I just saw your note about also getting comments on potty training. I had two children with a similar age gap and didn't potty train my eldest till after 3. There was no way I could cope with a new born and potty training.

When you are ready for potty training - I actually found the first few days exhausting. Perhaps if she is so great she can come round and help you.

Didn't harm my son waiting and once we started he actually had really good bladder control so see this as a plus for waiting

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