Page 3 | MIL always asking if I'm still breastfeeding

feedingababy · 2022-06-19T08:23:02+00:00

I found it difficult to feed my first and stopped after a few weeks. I felt terrible to stop. MIL knows this as I broke down in tears once about it. My second baby who's only 8 weeks has been a bit easier, but also difficult. I'm combination feeding. But the breastfeeding is definitely going down a lot now. Anyway, every time I see MIL she asks if I'm still breastfeeding and it's really upsetting me. I don't know how to say nicely to not ask about this ? Someone else has recently had a baby and came to visit and MIL asked if she was breastfeeding or had given up too. I know I'm sensitive about it. She knows I'm sensitive about it. MIL is a big breastfeeding fan and has made that very clear. How do I get her to stop asking about it every time ?

EvelynBeatrice · 19/06/2022 10:44

'We're not on terms such that I will be discussing or responding to any questions in relation to personal matters - like what I choose to do with my body - going forward. I'm sure you'd prefer us to remain on speaking civilised terms and will respect this ' - smile - job done - what are you watching on Netflix just now Margaret?'.,,,,

TulipsTwoLips · 19/06/2022 10:44

EmilyBolton · 19/06/2022 10:21

I think it’s time to sit down and have a decent conversation with MIL, while baby is not there. Ask DH to look after baby while you and mum go out somewhere public for a cuppa or coffee. Make it public so she can’t get angry
then say you need her help. You both want the best possible start for your babies and that includes feeding them . You both ideally would be happiest if baby was breastfed for as long as possible. Ask it as a question…get her agreement that this is both your intents
Then tell your story. Explain what has happened and why. Explain clearly about what you tried with bf, what didn’t work and how it made you feel, Then tell her how you feel now and how you felt at time particularly with first one around the difficulties. Tell her in terms of “I felt”. Then explain to her how her comments make you feel . Agian phrase it in terms of “I feel” not “you did” - make it about you. Make sure you explain why her comments are so upsetting.
. Use these terms around “you feel anxious” or you feel afraid of her visits. Spell it out .
then ask her why she makes these comments? Get her to tell her story why she is doing it. Ask her why , why, why for every comment she makes but make sure you show you are listening to her by “mirroring “ back ( eg paraphrase what she is saying form time to time to check your understanding”). As you dig into why she is doing this, you may uncover something you didn’t know about her own experiences, r where her passion for bf comes from. It will help you to understand a little more.
Once she has had her say as to why she is doing it. Ask her for her help at how you can get to a point that you do not feel anxious or afraid at seeing her because of the comments she makes- ask her how you can deal with it. Put the ball in her court. Tell her you can’t end the conversation until the problem is fixed becuase it’s not fair on your DH/her DS that you have this difficulty between you. It has to be solved.
of course, she is in the wrong. We all know that. But just asking her to stop will not solive it. you both have to get a space where you share your stories and perspective in a safe, non confrontational way , and not in heat of moment when she is on me of her rants.
This technique is used for difficult conversations where the stakes are high and is trained out in all sorts of industries. But it is also taught 8n another variation in parenting classes. It does work. Needs a bit of effort and isn’t easy ….spelt ime so it is known as “crucial conversations” so you may be able to get more stuff on line on how to do it. Finding the common purpose first , by agreeeing a common goal (in your case that’s easy- you both want healthy happy children) is vital to set the scene and make it “safe” for both parties to share their stories. Listening and acknowledging different views is also hard, but vital. It does work for almost everyone except those that lack EI or are narcissistic or avoidance personality. But let’s assume she is just very passionate and wedded to her ideals, and not very tuned into the fact she is upsetting her DIL.

Definitely don't do all of this! Just tell her you're not one of those people who discusses her parenting choices as you don't see the need for it. Then leave it at that. Your tone can be pleasant, but the message needs to be clear.

EmilyBolton · 19/06/2022 10:44

I’m sorry to hear you have PND. I had it too. Make sure you get help and look after yourself. It will get better 💐

Everydayimhuffling · 19/06/2022 10:46

You are being unreasonable, OP. If it was someone you liked you would either not be so upset by it or just say, "please could you stop asking? It upsets me". So pretend that you like her for a moment and say that.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 19/06/2022 10:47

My suggestion would be to go with ridiculous sarcastic replies. Breastfeeding - No, MIL he's a meat and two veg boy washed down with a pint of lager.
Potty training - No, I thought I would I would wait until he starts secondary school and leave it for the teachers to deal with. Just keep giving totally flippant replies every time they ask something you don't want to talk about.

UghFletcher · 19/06/2022 10:49

This is a super emotive subject. I wanted to BF my DS but he had CMPA and needed to go onto Neocate formula as even when I was trying to cut out all dairy he was still reacting when BF.

I used to find 'No' followed by a silence and unimpressed state used to get people to stop asking.

You have absolutely nothing to be guilty about btw. People often forget that babies are sentient humans and therefore, they are all different. Just because one breastfeeds and another bottle feeds doesn't make them any more superior or better than the other.

Very unmumsnetty hugs to you

dawnc27 · 19/06/2022 10:54

not the baby anymore, dh decided he no longer wanted to share

LookItsMeAgain · 19/06/2022 10:59

My suggestion is to blurt out "I am not going to discuss with you or any one else in the family what I'm doing with my breasts. I wouldn't tell you if I dangled them in front of your son while we have sex so this is no different...now let's move on and never speak of this again!"

Spanglemum · 19/06/2022 10:59

If you don't get on with her, a polite 'no, why do you ask?' every time. As for potty training' a polite 'yes it's coming on'. Some people talk about this stuff as it's something all parents share in common, even when you don't have much in common as people. If you think they're doing it to goad you, just make a minimal response.

Herejustforthisone · 19/06/2022 11:02

PinkWisteria · 19/06/2022 10:29

Respond "Why are you asking?" to every single question, followed as often as necessary by "why?"

I use this as a tactic. It’s really effective. It forces them to justify their hugely intrusive questions and often, the more you politely enquire ‘why’, the more it highlights how inappropriate it is.

I did it with my FIL’s incredibly overbearing and intrusive questions and judgement. He finally got the message.

speckledfroglet · 19/06/2022 11:05

I totally get it OP, breastfeeding didn’t work out for me and I live in a country where there is SO much pressure to breastfeed. I ended up trying to breastfeed, pumping and supplementing with formula… it was just unsustainable and exhausting.
I’ve had male friends and even perfect strangers ask me about it. After the first couple of times I decided to take it with a pinch of salt and answer shortly but honestly. As these are your family members I would just tell them to stop going on about it or at least get your partner to speak to them on your behalf. I hope things get easier for you

TokyoTen · 19/06/2022 11:19

Just reply "Can you stop trying to discuss that" and then swiftly change topic every time. She won't like it, she may become more awkward, just back off further.

FlippityFlapperty · 19/06/2022 11:27

It’s none of her bloody business. I wouldn’t actually satisfy / reward her rude nosiness with a yes or no answer. I’d simply tell her that you find this persistent question is becoming a bit like a grilling, you have no wish to discuss it with her and can she stop. And then get your partner to set some boundaries with her because this is ridiculous. The whole breast feeding pressure and nosiness is utterly bloody ridiculous.

WorryMcGee · 19/06/2022 11:43

People ask me all the time too and it hurts so much. We made it to 4 weeks but it was a constant struggle and 5 weeks on I’m still very upset about it. I really don’t get why people have to ask such a personal, emotional question. I hope your husband has a strong word with his mother.

LooseGoose22 · 19/06/2022 12:04

EmilyBolton · 19/06/2022 10:42

Well, I would suggest (not unkindly though) that this is where the issue is then. She is your mil , not a random stranger. If you aren’t explaining to her why you are thinking this, or feel that, or couldn’t bf..then she is filling in the gaps by creating her own “story” version of why you are doing what you do. Until you tell her your version of events, she won’t change her mind. Sorry, but that’s how humans work. We will always have our own one sided version of why a situation is what it is, until you actually listen to the other side. You are doing this yourself- you have your 1 sided view of why she says what she says. I’m not saying you are wrong for thinking she is over interfering- she is. But it is why she does it and how it can be stopped. You say you don’t like her, and that conversations aren’t safe for you as she uses it-— that’s the whole point of these techniques , making conversations safe.
I really don’t think you wont stop the comments, and she’ll move to other topics as kids grow older,, until you share a decent conversation with her. That means you would need to find the courage and assertiveness to do it. Maybe that’s not possible right now…but please think about it …you are both putting your DH is a very difficult position and that will extend to kids as they get older.

Show quote history

Its none of her miles business.

Op had already explained that she is not a supportive, fair person.

Stop making op feel like she had to pander to and explain to etc this rude, intrusive, inappropriate woman, who she (understandably) does not have a string relationship with.

The weight comment further demonstrated how inappropriate & dysfunctional her miles attitudes are.

She does not need brought into the inner circle as regards for her poor behaviour, she does not need further impression of entitlement given to her.

LooseGoose22 · 19/06/2022 12:06

*Mil's

In reward for her poor behaviour

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 12:11

feedingababy · 19/06/2022 09:29

I just don't see the need in asking people about it. Especially if you know they found it hard in the past.

No one in my family has ever asked me. They know it's hard for me and they don't want to upset me.

Show quote history

Then just tell her straight.

And if she continues, walk off, go in another room, glare and change the subject.

Tell her again.

Then refuse to see her

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 12:12

Everydayimhuffling · 19/06/2022 10:46

You are being unreasonable, OP. If it was someone you liked you would either not be so upset by it or just say, "please could you stop asking? It upsets me". So pretend that you like her for a moment and say that.

She doesn't listen...

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 12:14

Hiddenvoice · 19/06/2022 09:53

I get this completely. Everyone seems to ask. I managed a week and it was all I could physically do. It’s bothered me and im upset I couldn’t do anymore but my dd is 9 weeks old and thriving on formula. The push for breastfeeding annoys me as no one fully knows what the mum is going through so there should be no judgement.
Next time she or SIL asks you say yes and that you won’t answer that question anymore as it really js none of their business!
Have you spoken to anyone about your pnd? Hope you’re okay!

The best way to feed a baby is to feed a baby.

Please don't let it bother you.

To this day I have no idea if I was breast or bottle fed.

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 12:16

EmilyBolton · 19/06/2022 10:21

I think it’s time to sit down and have a decent conversation with MIL, while baby is not there. Ask DH to look after baby while you and mum go out somewhere public for a cuppa or coffee. Make it public so she can’t get angry
then say you need her help. You both want the best possible start for your babies and that includes feeding them . You both ideally would be happiest if baby was breastfed for as long as possible. Ask it as a question…get her agreement that this is both your intents
Then tell your story. Explain what has happened and why. Explain clearly about what you tried with bf, what didn’t work and how it made you feel, Then tell her how you feel now and how you felt at time particularly with first one around the difficulties. Tell her in terms of “I felt”. Then explain to her how her comments make you feel . Agian phrase it in terms of “I feel” not “you did” - make it about you. Make sure you explain why her comments are so upsetting.
. Use these terms around “you feel anxious” or you feel afraid of her visits. Spell it out .
then ask her why she makes these comments? Get her to tell her story why she is doing it. Ask her why , why, why for every comment she makes but make sure you show you are listening to her by “mirroring “ back ( eg paraphrase what she is saying form time to time to check your understanding”). As you dig into why she is doing this, you may uncover something you didn’t know about her own experiences, r where her passion for bf comes from. It will help you to understand a little more.
Once she has had her say as to why she is doing it. Ask her for her help at how you can get to a point that you do not feel anxious or afraid at seeing her because of the comments she makes- ask her how you can deal with it. Put the ball in her court. Tell her you can’t end the conversation until the problem is fixed becuase it’s not fair on your DH/her DS that you have this difficulty between you. It has to be solved.
of course, she is in the wrong. We all know that. But just asking her to stop will not solive it. you both have to get a space where you share your stories and perspective in a safe, non confrontational way , and not in heat of moment when she is on me of her rants.
This technique is used for difficult conversations where the stakes are high and is trained out in all sorts of industries. But it is also taught 8n another variation in parenting classes. It does work. Needs a bit of effort and isn’t easy ….spelt ime so it is known as “crucial conversations” so you may be able to get more stuff on line on how to do it. Finding the common purpose first , by agreeeing a common goal (in your case that’s easy- you both want healthy happy children) is vital to set the scene and make it “safe” for both parties to share their stories. Listening and acknowledging different views is also hard, but vital. It does work for almost everyone except those that lack EI or are narcissistic or avoidance personality. But let’s assume she is just very passionate and wedded to her ideals, and not very tuned into the fact she is upsetting her DIL.

Bloody hell.

ventreàterre · 19/06/2022 12:17

If you don't like her, then there's little to lose. You'll have to be more blunt about not wanting to discuss certain things. Redirect the conversation, even if it seems strange or rather rude. Who cares if it seems weird? She's being weird and rude, first!

In addition, I would be making this more of your husband's problem by continuing to complain and actually demanding that he deal with his family and their awkward questions. Don't let him off the hook so easily. It's his family!

Hallyup89 · 19/06/2022 12:18

Perhaps she just wants to support you? But then hey, she's your mother-in-law, the nasty bitch.

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 12:19

Hallyup89 · 19/06/2022 12:18

Perhaps she just wants to support you? But then hey, she's your mother-in-law, the nasty bitch.

The OP doesn't want or need her support. And she is the most important part of the equation here

Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 19/06/2022 12:24

if she can’t be sensitive to you and your needs this close post partum then I don’t think she needs to be close to you. She isn’t good for you.

my dmil and sil liked there pointed little comments and to create the impression of being all knowing earth mothers when dh was well out of earshot and dc were babies. we don’t have a close relationship as a result. Now they’re older my dc are actually better adjusted than dns so can’t have done that bad a job.

my solution - send dh out with dc to visit in laws whilst I had some time to myself.

HelloDulling · 19/06/2022 12:26

Asking about breast feeding/sleep patterns/potty training are all the things that people do ask about with small kids, it's not a criticism, it's just part of the chat, esp with people who aren't very forthcoming and you feel the need to keep the conversation going. When they are older, you talk about school places and teeth falling out and birthday parties, then later on exams/university applications/driving lessons etc.

If you hate her, of course it's going to annoy you, but she'd annoy you if she offered you a cup of tea. I was the same after DD was born, I had PND and felt like the world's worst mother, so any remark at all felt like an implied criticism, from my own mum or my actually lovely MIL.

If you think the PND is the problem, then see her much less for now until you are feeling better. If you hated her before the baby arrived, stop seeing so much of her longterm.