MIL always asking if I'm still breastfeeding

[feedingababy]

I found it difficult to feed my first and stopped after a few weeks. I felt terrible to stop. MIL knows this as I broke down in tears once about it.

My second baby who's only 8 weeks has been a bit easier, but also difficult. I'm combination feeding. But the breastfeeding is definitely going down a lot now.

Anyway, every time I see MIL she asks if I'm still breastfeeding and it's really upsetting me.

I don't know how to say nicely to not ask about this ?

Someone else has recently had a baby and came to visit and MIL asked if she was breastfeeding or had given up too.

I know I'm sensitive about it. She knows I'm sensitive about it. MIL is a big breastfeeding fan and has made that very clear.

How do I get her to stop asking about it every time ?

I "failed" BF at 8 weeks and ended up with ppd about it so every sympathy OP. I don't care about it now I know I loved my baby so i hope find some healing. As pp have suggested
1 when she tries the bullshit "I'm only trying to help" the answer is "doesn't matter what you're trying you're NOT helping" then blank her everytime she mentions
2 your DH needs a talking-to and you tell him clearly his inaction makes your PPD worse he needs to step up with similar grey-rock. "Stop asking, stop asking, stop asking"
But you could amuse yourself with 3
MIL "Are you still breastfeeding?"
OP "Are you?" then big blank smile and no further response.

"For the love of God would you stop fucking asking me and my friends if we are still breastfeeding? It's nothing to do with you!"

I'd just say "I don't want to talk about it MIL"
or "I can't talk about that MIL"
It would be a spectacularly thick-skinned person who persisted after you said either of the above.

Interested in the answer to this as I am kind of in opposite situation.....mother keeps asking if i'm "still" breastfeeding 9 month old,..... she thinks I should have stopped by now. We speak once a week and she asks every other time, I know well what she is implying so just ignore the tone but sometimes I feel like I might snap

Can you contact a NCT or La Leche League counsellor to help you keep bfing if that's what you want to do? They are very good and helpful.

@EmilyBolton your comments are annoying to even read, it's none of the MIL's business. None of it, and enough of the adding lines like OP setting DH up for difficulties.
OP is suffering from PND and struggling to breastfeed so I have to say @feedingababy don't pay attention to anyone piling more pressure on, even if it's not the intention which I hope it is not @EmilyBolton

I wouldn't share any of that personal information with my MIL and I don't owe her all this time pussy footing around her feelings if she's being rude.

As it happens my MIL keeps asking me because she thinks I should breastfeed less so 'other people' can feed my baby and bond. As if giving a bottle is the only mechanism for bonding.
She also has potty training advice "but of course you young mums all leave it soooo late these days because you have it easy with disposable nappies, not scrubbing out stains like I had to". As it happens I have a few reusables but she doesn't do nappy changes.

OP get help for your PND and tell DH he needs to step up.

And to @BaronessBomburst you are right about the appetite!

MIL either stop banging on about how I choose to feed MY children or just leave. It's none of your business and its very bad manners to keep asking when you have already been asked nicely to stop.

I read an article written by a private midwife, I unfortunately can't remember her name. She said that some women just can't breastfeed but that due to government policy there is a reluctance from health professionals to admit this.
She said we don't tell people who can't see properly they don't need glasses and should just try harder, but that women who can't breast feed are told this all the time.
Most definitely a cause of my PND, 20 years ago.

That's interesting. I just feel like such a failure and it's for everyone to see. And she keeps asking me about it, it really hurts.

Some people assume you don't try hard enough if you don't manage to do it exclusively or at all.

I posted earlier on this thread about how kuchen I wanted to BF my twins and how it never happened due to them being 4 months early, me having sepsis then my son passing away at 4 days old.

The NICU where our babies were being cared for arranged for me to speak to the infant feeding team. They showed me how to use the pump etc etc and after days and nights of trying and not getting a single drop, I was very distressed that it wasn't happening. I'd even spoken to my GP on the phone, in tears, begging for Domperidone to try and kick-start my supply. The person from the infant feeding team knew our circumstances (because I told her myself) but it didn't stop this 'specialist' telling me two extremely damaging things. Firstly, she said "well, your babies are here now and it's time your body did something about it". She then followed it up with "it's because you're not trying hard enough".

I'd already felt like I'd massively failed my babies when they were bpr

Do you have a relative or friend who can speak to your MIL on your behalf if you don't feel able to yourself and your DH isn't being help in this situation? I know exactly how you are feeling, but sometimes people don't realise their constant questions and comments are intrusive and anxiety inducing. The person being told is the only way to make it stop! Really hope you start to feel better soon.

When they were born extremely prematurely, and I felt like even more of a failure of a mother when the one thing I felt I SHOULD have been able to give them, I wasn't able to give.

In the end, after 5 weeks of desperation, my GP rang to find out how we were and after I broke down yet again, she told me firmly to stop trying as it was causing me far more harm.

The infant feeding team should never have said those words, or even implied them. They had NO clue just how damaging it was and those words will stay with me for life.

Any more pressure from anyone to BF or succeed at BF when my new baby arrives and they will be told to fuck off. I feel strongly about this and won't be made to feel this way again.

OP, I hope you can shut the MIL up and move on from this. How you feed your baby is entirely your choice and no mother should EVER be criticised for it.

Yes quite. You are not co parenting with your mother in law and do not need to open up or explain yourself. You just need to ask her to stop asking nosy questions and questioning your parenting. It's not easy the first time but you just need to be direct, don't worry about offending, don't enter into discussion. Re the potty training just shrug and say that all children are different and any further comments repeat a similar theme e.g. she will get there in the end or we are not worried about her etc. Basically offer no discussion or information. The breastfeeding is more difficult because it's upsetting but same thing applies really. It's not their business. Look her in the eye and say politely "please don't keep asking me" hopefully that will have the desired effect. Your other option is to see them less often.

@Squiff70 I am so sorry for the loss of your first son and presumably at that time the fear that your daughter might not have made it.
To think that anyone, let alone the infant feeding team, would say such utter crap to you then makes me so angry and sad for you. I hope all goes well with your birth in a few months. 💐

Say something like "I'm fine thanks". If she keeps asking, just say, no really, I'm fine. She seems to think she needs to offer you something, whether support or something less positive. You can literally say no thankyou to these interactions. I appreciate that's something you shouldn't have to, but here we are. My MIL would have been like this had she not managed to keep a lid on but she's self aware enough to know it wasn't appropriate.

Practise what you are going to say in advance and then say it when she asks. I would go with ‘ please stop asking, I do not wish to discuss this’, if she comes back at you, if you can, take the baby away with you to another room and shut the door. The alternative is to tell DH that he has to have this conversation with her, or you will explode the next time she asks. He’s probably just hoping you won’t make a scene and he can avoid challenging her. He needs to know that the only alternative to him dealing with this is an explosion.
I disagree with Emilybolton above. You do not need to be discussing private matters with your MIL at all. She is either thick as a brick or deeply unpleasant to keep asking you when she knows it’s a sensitive matter.
I fully intended to breastfeed but DS1 had other ideas. I was so upset about it but that upset quite quickly turned to anger which I vented in a research diary I’d been given. The simple fact is that some babies are difficult to feed. Not one single piece of information I read said this - but my sensible midwife helped me to be accepting of bottle feeding. I am so very grateful to her. She said she’d fed two of hers herself but her third did what mine was doing and she bottle fed him. Please read this and keep it in mind. I have two strappingly healthy young men (22, 14). Both had my colostrum and some expressed milk but mostly had cow and gate. I ate healthily in pregnancy and weaned them well. The six months in between is less important - breast or bottle, they will be fine. What is not fine is having someone in your own home making you feel like a failure . My MIL was totally supportive over feeding. Yours should be too.
You’re doing great.

Thank you for your kind words, although he was my second son. I lost my first son too, at 19 weeks gestation along with his twin sister (yep, two sets of B/G twins).

My second daughter did survive, but it was very touch and go, and she was in hospital for 8 months. She's now two and a half and is an absolute joy (except when she's being a stroppy toddler) 😄

Her baby brother is due in August. We're still paralysed by fear that things could go wrong but in reading this thread, I've realised I put as much pressure on myself to be able to BF as the infant feeding team and MIL did and I actually don't know if I can get past that.

I think you are just going to have to tell her. Warn DH you will, then next time she starts just tell her to stop. No need to shout or be rude but just say firmly that you don't want to talk about it anymore.

I had a similar thing with my mil, but a different subject. Always going on about how my mum smoked, how my son as a toddler had said "Granny smokes and one day she will die" and Mil always used to follow this up with "and she did!" I found this very upsetting as you can imagine. She told this "funny story" once too often and I just told her straight that it wasn't funny, it wasn't her place to comment on my mums choices and would she please shut up. After a very uncomfortable silence, I asked her if she wanted another cup of tea, and the subject was never mentioned ever again.

Good luck OP, it sounds like you are doing well with feeding your baby, it's not always easy to breastfeed and what matters is what works for you and your child.

You sound like you are caught in the breast is best web. That’s a bugger because it seems to be improving overall.

If it will make you feel more confident have a Google, you will see that while breast feeding is slightly better for the population overall, the statistical difference isn’t big enough to have an impact on most individuals. (Same as if you are a fat but otherwise fit 40 year old you might have had double the chances of a nasty Covid outcome, but double a tiny percent is still tiny, so the chances are you’d still be fine.)

In terms of your MIL and SIL you have no choice but to either tell them directly (or via email) not to refer to it again - it’s personal and if you want to raise it you will. It’sINCREDIBLY rude that they do do this - and use that to fuel your fire.

If I were you though I would insist you DP call both today. It’s really not on if he won’t.

The best case scenario would be your DH facing her down and telling her to stop it, without needing to go into details about why it's a problem for you.

Failing that, or augmenting it I'd recommend the grey rock technique. "I won't be answering this question again" on repeat every time anyone asks.

"Still breastfeeding? I'm no longer answering this question"

"How's the breastfeeding going? I won't be answering this line of questioning"

And so on. She'll eventually get bored, or it will come to a head. But at least you'll have kept your composure and limited how much you say to her on the subject.

I would just tell her, ‘That’s none of your business.’ Possibly a bit rude but it’s rude of her to ask in the first place!

If you don’t feel able to be as blunt as to tell her it’s not her business maybe try the politer. ‘I don’t feel comfortable answering that, I don’t want to discuss how we feed the baby with anybody but DP.’

However you answer I wouldn’t give her a yes/ no as if she always gets an answer then she will always be inclined to ask again. Shut her down and she will realise it’s pointless asking.

Well number 1, you're doing a bloody good job! I stopped after 3 days! I'd paid for courses and everything I knew howto breastfeed. Did I fuck! It's bloody hard and those incredibly fortunate peoplewho don't find it so hard, good for them but stopping when it's making you miserable is not "giving up" it's just doing what's best for your baby. Like I didn't "give up" on my home birth, I had a c section for my baby. Because that's what we do, we do what's best for our babies, and sometimes, what our baby really needs is just a happy healthy mum.

Also , judge rude fucks who say "why isn't she potty trained?" "Are you really giving your baby that?" "You said you were going to blah blah blah" can get fucked. You don't have to worry about upsetting someone that is criticising your parenting when you've just had a baby and they know you're struggling. Look at her like she's asking an incredibly personal and offensive question and say "will you stop asking me that. You know I'm struggling. " I've started with asking very confused "why are we arguing over what my son needs, I'm his mum." Because I'm so fucking sick of justifying and defending my decisions.

Stop seeing yourself as a failure just because breastfeeding isnt going to plan. Just bottle feed. Stop letting society get in your head. You are not a better mum if you breastfeed. You probaby dont have pnd but you feel a vast disappointment about not being able to do what you wanted. Its time to accept and move on to make life fun again instead of burrying yourself in guilt.

Tell your mil to stop asking and that its none of her business. You even say you dont like her anyway . You can't go complaining about her not Stopping to ask questions when you aren't telling her to back the hell off.

I'd tell your husband, "You need to tell your mother & sister to Back Off.
I'm struggling, & their prying & judgemental comments are making it worse.
If you cant stand up for me when I'm this fragile then there's not much point in this relationship.
You make it crystal clear & if she still continues I will be telling her to Fuck Off not be allowing her in my house---- again"

*Are you still breathing feeding or not?

It'll help you lose weight*

Pull the other one.