MIL always asking if I'm still breastfeeding

[feedingababy]

I found it difficult to feed my first and stopped after a few weeks. I felt terrible to stop. MIL knows this as I broke down in tears once about it.

My second baby who's only 8 weeks has been a bit easier, but also difficult. I'm combination feeding. But the breastfeeding is definitely going down a lot now.

Anyway, every time I see MIL she asks if I'm still breastfeeding and it's really upsetting me.

I don't know how to say nicely to not ask about this ?

Someone else has recently had a baby and came to visit and MIL asked if she was breastfeeding or had given up too.

I know I'm sensitive about it. She knows I'm sensitive about it. MIL is a big breastfeeding fan and has made that very clear.

How do I get her to stop asking about it every time ?

'No. We've moved on to McDonald's milkshakes and redbull'.

I'd tell her you're not comfortable with her asking all the time. How you choose to feed your child is your business and she jas no right to interfere.

When I was expecting twins, my MIL told me in no uncertain terms to breastfeed them for at least six months. I stupidly laughed it off and told her I'd try BF until it sent me mad. It turned out, for a variety of reasons, that I was completely unable to BF them (they were born 4 months early, I developed sepsis and our son passed away whilst his sister fought for her life in NICU). I desperately wanted to express/BF but they were too early, I was too ill and distraught and it just never happened.

I'm now 30 weeks pregnant with a little boy and am waiting for her interference once more. I want to BF and will try my best, but there are never any guarantees. If she starts, I'm going to put her in her place.

I HATE that grandparental interference/insistance and bossiness disguised as love, advice and guidance and will not stand for it.

Exactly. I fed mine will 9 months- I didn’t loose any weight 🤣🤦‍♀️

I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope that you and your new son both have a healthy and happy delivery. 💐

Honestly, be direct. Next time she asks simply say, 'please can you stop asking me this.' And that's it. If she presses you can say it's a touchy subject and you don't want to talk about it. Grey rock if she persists.

"Can you please stop asking me"

"I'm only trying to help"

"You're not"

Should do it. She clearly feels confident to be direct with you. Youll have to do the same back. Agree your husband should have your back.

Honestly I would turn on to her. When she asks about breast feeding or potty training, I would answer honestly and then ask why shes asking? Make a joke- "Oh you are funny, constantly wanting to know about dd bowels/ ds feeding are you ok? Dont worry they're both fed and happy but I'm concerned about you as you ask so often, maybe you need a hobby? "
I had similar with DH grandmother, constantly asking about feeding and my boobs! I turned it on to her, as honestly it's a weird thing to keep asking. DH grandmother use to ask in front of the whole extended family if my boobs were aching/ nipples cracked etc it was a little embarrassing and I really struggled with feeding so was very sensitive. I did once ask about hers when she'd had her children- she looked quite shocked and got the message!
The fact that shes asking about dd potty training makes me think she will be this involved at every stage unless you put in some boundaries. Personally I wouldnt get DH to do it just do it yourself or this will continue!

The second you see her, make the first words out of your mouth "yes, I'm still breastfeeding"
Then hi, how are you? Want a cuppa..."

And do that every time. Sooner or later she'll say something and you can say you always ask so I thought I'd get it out of the way

My Mum used to repeatedly ask me about stitches after DD.
'How are your stitches?'
'Are your stitches sore?'
'Have your stitches healed yet?'
It went on for WEEKS until I snapped at her and asked what was the obsession.

Do the same. They only realise they're being so effing annoying when they're challenged.

Perfect response 🤣

I'm 3.5 months PP breastfeeding and no weight loss. I'm sure this 500-600 extra calories a day burned off is BS.

This is what worked for me many years ago as I had one of those MIL. Change the subject by asking her stuff about herself and this is key - look directly in her eyes and do not look down. Ask her questions about herself repeatedly. Ask her how long she breastfed, ask how long she did it with each child, ask ask ask ask. Ask her pointless things so that she can go on and on and on and on until she exhausts herself and then just say with a smile "thank you for that, it was very interesting" and walk away. This is how I did it anyway. Cripes, that has brought back awful memories of her meddling. Good luck OP - there are lots of helpful responses here so whatever way you do it just make sure you have the upper hand.But you need to be strong.

I think it’s time to sit down and have a decent conversation with MIL, while baby is not there. Ask DH to look after baby while you and mum go out somewhere public for a cuppa or coffee. Make it public so she can’t get angry
then say you need her help. You both want the best possible start for your babies and that includes feeding them . You both ideally would be happiest if baby was breastfed for as long as possible. Ask it as a question…get her agreement that this is both your intents
Then tell your story. Explain what has happened and why. Explain clearly about what you tried with bf, what didn’t work and how it made you feel, Then tell her how you feel now and how you felt at time particularly with first one around the difficulties. Tell her in terms of “I felt”. Then explain to her how her comments make you feel . Agian phrase it in terms of “I feel” not “you did” - make it about you. Make sure you explain why her comments are so upsetting.
. Use these terms around “you feel anxious” or you feel afraid of her visits. Spell it out .
then ask her why she makes these comments? Get her to tell her story why she is doing it. Ask her why , why, why for every comment she makes but make sure you show you are listening to her by “mirroring “ back ( eg paraphrase what she is saying form time to time to check your understanding”). As you dig into why she is doing this, you may uncover something you didn’t know about her own experiences, r where her passion for bf comes from. It will help you to understand a little more.
Once she has had her say as to why she is doing it. Ask her for her help at how you can get to a point that you do not feel anxious or afraid at seeing her because of the comments she makes- ask her how you can deal with it. Put the ball in her court. Tell her you can’t end the conversation until the problem is fixed becuase it’s not fair on your DH/her DS that you have this difficulty between you. It has to be solved.
of course, she is in the wrong. We all know that. But just asking her to stop will not solive it. you both have to get a space where you share your stories and perspective in a safe, non confrontational way , and not in heat of moment when she is on me of her rants.
This technique is used for difficult conversations where the stakes are high and is trained out in all sorts of industries. But it is also taught 8n another variation in parenting classes. It does work. Needs a bit of effort and isn’t easy ….spelt ime so it is known as “crucial conversations” so you may be able to get more stuff on line on how to do it. Finding the common purpose first , by agreeeing a common goal (in your case that’s easy- you both want healthy happy children) is vital to set the scene and make it “safe” for both parties to share their stories. Listening and acknowledging different views is also hard, but vital. It does work for almost everyone except those that lack EI or are narcissistic or avoidance personality. But let’s assume she is just very passionate and wedded to her ideals, and not very tuned into the fact she is upsetting her DIL.

Why aren't you being direct and just say "Yes, please stop asking every time I see you".

Passivity and/or avoidance are the worst things I find

These people are counting on you not rocking the boat so they can keep pushing your boundaries. Don’t let them.

Just say something like “I don’t want to discuss feeding any more because it was stressing me out” or “I’d rather not talk about it” or “That’s private”.

Or even just a simple “My boobs- my business”.

To be honest, it might not even matter if you were breastfeeding or not. My MIL had subtle digs at me for breastfeeding longer than she thought necessary. There were thinly disguised comments about him growing up to be a “mummy’s boy” etc. She didn't breastfeed either of her children as apparently she thought it was “weird”.

Is she the Mother Earth type or just someone who will stick their beak in where it’s not wanted?

This is all well and good. But I don't want to share this with her in any way, shape or form. I don't want to open up to her. I hate opening up to her. Anytime that I have, because I was at lowest points, I feel like she uses it against me. It's just none of her business what I'm going through. I don't like her.

Respond "Why are you asking?" to every single question, followed as often as necessary by "why?"

Feel for you OP. It's none of their bloody business and you shouldn't feel bad about how you chose to feed your child. Why do some women feel motherhood is a constant competition?

You can politely but firmly tell her to stop asking. Or ask your DH to have another word. But she sounds like someone who will find always find something to carp on about, so you will probably need another strategy. We can't control what people say, but we can control our reaction to it. She doesn't deserve any of your time or headspace worrying about what she thinks. Take a deep breath and remember you are doing a great job. You deserve some help with your PND too, so do ask for help from GP or HV etc.

The 😂 was in response to the Redbull comment, that for some reason hasn't appeared as a quite in my post 🙄 not being insensitive.

My MIL did this constantly but nagging me to stop breastfeeding. I just can't understand why people are so overinvested in how other people feed their babies. Your DH needs to step up here and have a very frank conversation with her, making it clear that it's a subject never to be broached again.

IME being conflict avoidant feeds anxiety and depression. Its so much better to just be direct and say 'Its time to stop asking'. Let her kick off and make a fuss about the boundary you put in place if she wants to. Its not your problem.
And you don't have to have a personal discussion with anyone who does not have your best interests at heart.
If she seeks conflict, give her something to complain about that you don't care about, so that it doesn't bother you.

It sounds like your husband is a worthless waste of space if he won't stand up for you, or even acknowledge your PND. He's your husband you should be able to communicate to him. Give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't speak to MIL and get her to stop, you won't allow her to see DC and will stop the visits with her. That should make him move his arse.

Have you been in touch with your local breastfeeding group? Even if you decide to stop altogether, they’re so supportive and they can help you come to terms with all the guilty feelings that you might get. Once you stop feeling guilty you’ll be able to stand up to MIL.

I breastfed all of mine. They all latched on beautifully, I had no pain and it was so easy and straightforward. It’s pure luck, it’s not your fault if there’s bumps in the road. Don’t put yourself down thinking “Well everybody else had to deal with this and they managed it without quitting” because the majority of people who stuck with breastfeeding probably didn’t face the same problems as you.

Well, I would suggest (not unkindly though) that this is where the issue is then. She is your mil , not a random stranger. If you aren’t explaining to her why you are thinking this, or feel that, or couldn’t bf..then she is filling in the gaps by creating her own “story” version of why you are doing what you do. Until you tell her your version of events, she won’t change her mind. Sorry, but that’s how humans work. We will always have our own one sided version of why a situation is what it is, until you actually listen to the other side. You are doing this yourself- you have your 1 sided view of why she says what she says. I’m not saying you are wrong for thinking she is over interfering- she is. But it is why she does it and how it can be stopped. You say you don’t like her, and that conversations aren’t safe for you as she uses it-— that’s the whole point of these techniques , making conversations safe.
I really don’t think you wont stop the comments, and she’ll move to other topics as kids grow older,, until you share a decent conversation with her. That means you would need to find the courage and assertiveness to do it. Maybe that’s not possible right now…but please think about it …you are both putting your DH is a very difficult position and that will extend to kids as they get older.

@feedingababy Bless you. I totally get how you're feeling. Your MIL & SIL are unnecessarily adding more stress at a time which is difficult enough as it is & at the end of the day, it's none of their bloody business anyway!! As long as your baby is getting fed, it doesn't matter in the slightest how that is happening. They need to shut up & either be supportive/helpful or stay away.

BUT your husband should be the one fielding this for you right now. You're dealing with PND & a newborn - HE should be your advocate & tell his mum/sister to back the fuck off!! I don't think you need to open up to your MIL at all - HE'S the one you need to have a brutally honest conversation with. Be firm. Stand your ground. Tell him you expect more from him.

Good luck. X