Child Carers

[prepared101]

I've named changed because I'm aware this is emotive and I'm prepared to be flamed by some who wholeheartedly disagree with me but...

I've just seen a post a large Facebook group where a poster talks about their 7 year old child who has been her carer since the age of 3. THREE.

My 4 nearly 5 year old has asked me a million things already this morning including could I make them a drink, make their breakfast, help them put their swimming costume on etc etc. How on Earth is a three year old a carer FFS. Even at 10/11/13 etc a child doesn't have the emotional resilience to take on someone else's struggles.

IMO it's stealing a childhood and should be illegal. I can't believe that in this day and age we think that's acceptable.

AIBU?

No, you're not being unreasonable. It's mind-boggling that a three-year-old would even have the capacity to care for someone else and they shouldn't be burdened in that way. What does the child do for them exactly?
I was a carer for my mum for five years starting at the age of 45, it was too much for me some days and the emotional toll is something I'm still dealing with.

You are a bit because there isn't much of a choice is there?

YANBU - I hate seeing child carers. A child’s life should be largely responsibility free, it should be about learning and having fun. Not caring for someone else.

Yes, there are. Hard choices but there are choices.

Maybe turn your anger at the Government who are happy to let disabled people live on a pittance, make getting any additional benefits like The Hunger Games, and refuse to fund any actual, proper Carers.

Are you sure this wasn't some sort of exaggerated or humorous statement. I can't believe a 3yo would even know how to be a carer. Most are still not toilet trained. It doesn't seem like it was a genuine post?

YANBU OP children should be free to be kids and not burdened with care BUT some people don't have a choice, disabled people have effectively been left to fend for themselves by this government with very few options and no money.

It's not right and I'm sure the parents do not want this life for their kids at all.

this

We have lots of children at school who are classed as carers.
Many have to be self sufficient from an early age, help with tasks around the house, shop, cook, do laundry. They are not looked after by their parents in the traditional sense but in most cases there is more love, loyalty and teamwork going on in their homes than I see in other homes.
They are also not sole carers as their parents either have relatives or adult carers working with them too.
No it’s not fair when you compare it to having two parents who are able to do everything for their child - it’s hard work for them and their freedom is limited but unless the entire family (children included) have carers, nothing will change.

It's disgraceful that society as a whole would allow this to happen- any disabled parent should be able to access all the care they need via their council, which in turn should be fully funded by the government. Equally, any parent should be able to get any care they need for a disabled child without gatekeeping or waiting lists.

Unfortunately, although we (well, some of us) no longer expect disabled people to be confined to asylums or beg in the street, we're still light years away from considering them proper human beings who have the same needs, potential and feelings as the able bodied and NT.

Right, but do you actually have any detail?

This 3yo was not shopping and cooking for her mother, or taking her to appointments.

So most likely the poster was meaning that the pre-schooler had done some activity for her mother. Which could be nothing more than fetching a blanket for her, on occasions.

I don’t want to minimise the huge burden that is put on young carers and the amazing work they do, but I think you’re over reacting to something with no actual information 🤷🏻‍♀️

The term young carer is also used to describe a child who, although has no caring responsibilities themselves, do lose out on some of the care and attention that a child without a disabled family member could expect. If you are the sibling of a disabled child your parents will typically not be able to give you as much attention as your disabled sibling, it does not mean they are in any way neglected.

In a family with two children if one is disabled, the other is classed as a young carer, yet they will get far more attention than a child in a family with four children when none of them has a disability. We do not see the second child as being neglected though, do we?

It's nuanced. But more help from the government is definitely needed. Charities should not be supporting families, that should be done by the NHS and social services and funded through taxes, not the generosity of a few good people.

I saw this post this morning and wondered the same- what a life for that poor child

Well the detail was that he had was described as her carer and she suffered seizures and exhaustion so if say more than fetching a blanket occasionally

Regardless, I worry that these children will never live independent and fulfilled lives and that's sad.

In a family with two children if one is disabled, the other is classed as a young carer, yet they will get far more attention than a child in a family with four children when none of them has a disability

I have four children. One became disabled and I can assure you the others have far less attention and support then when none of them were disabled.

Having a disabled child takes far more away from their siblings than just being in a small or large family.

I'm interested in that these 'hard choices' are OP - can you elaborate?

I seen this exact post too... About the bedroom.

Must admit I was also surprised at their kid being a carer since 3...what on earth could they have been doing at 3yo!

Yes, there are. Hard choices but there are choices

What are these hard choices?

“Well the detail was that he had was described as her carer and she suffered seizures and exhaustion so if say more than fetching a blanket occasionally”

No need for the eye roll, thanks.

So no detail at all of what he was doing to provide care at 3 years old then?

I saw this post too and was surprised.

Honestly at three my sister was told where nanny kept her meds in case of an angina attack when I was younger I knew where dad kept his blue inhaler and when to get it how many puffs we were l taught how to dial 999 and our home address if we couldn't wake out adult up right from a young age even as young as three on a rotary phone it's easy you don't even need to "know" the number just the position and give your address to the lady on the phone tell them daddy/nanny won't wake up etc etc it was classed as basic life skills in first school (nine and under) we were taught lifesaving skills basic mouth to mouth the recovery position how to rescue someone from a river it didn't feel like a stolen childhood rather the expectation of a life well lived

When she was 3, she was putting my socks and shoes on me in winter. She was helping me pull up my trousers & getting my crutches for me.

At 5 she had a list of names and numbers on the fridge door and illustrations of how to use the phone (in case she had forgotten when in panic mode) on who to call in case of emergency. These people are all within a 3 minute drive and reliable and know of my health situation.

At age 7 she can use the front door key and God forbid if she ever needed to, knows which doors (safe place) to go to in our hamlet. She cuts my food up and can turn the hob on and off, she can do the online food shop as we discuss it together and she can make her own (healthy or unhealthy, depends on the day and mood!) packed lunches.

Her school report was amazing. She is thriving, loves challenges, is high-achieving, is well rounded and we have a laugh when things go wrong at home. It’s about balance and proportion here for us. I’m lucky to have the support in place to enable her to attend the extra curriculum activities she wishes.

A lot of it is about being pro-active and the government are decades behind on this. I can’t begin to explain where they have failed us both.

Carer has a very wide ranging meaning though.

My DN is 4 and knows that if his Mummy has a seizure he should press the button on the phone that rings a specific person and tell them where she is.

He’s classes as a young carer, but he isn’t losing his childhood or anything else.

My kids are classed as young carers because they have a severely disabled sibling. They don’t actually do any caring activities as such, but as a family their life is dictated by her health so their opportunities are sometimes limited which classes them as such.

The scale is wide ranging and when you don’t remotely know what the child does it’s daft to get so OTT when it may be very little. And if it’s not very little the ire should be directed at those who’ve slashed services repeatedly so that people have to rely on their children as they’ve no other access to help.

IMO it's stealing a childhood and should be illegal.

Many disabled adults would agree with you; but you let the Govt cut services to the bone because you fell for the line that people were claiming benefits for imaginary illnesses.

So what are you going to do about it? There are only two options; sterilise disabled women and take their children away, or campaign for better services. Pick one and do it.