Child Carers

[prepared101]

I've named changed because I'm aware this is emotive and I'm prepared to be flamed by some who wholeheartedly disagree with me but...

I've just seen a post a large Facebook group where a poster talks about their 7 year old child who has been her carer since the age of 3. THREE.

My 4 nearly 5 year old has asked me a million things already this morning including could I make them a drink, make their breakfast, help them put their swimming costume on etc etc. How on Earth is a three year old a carer FFS. Even at 10/11/13 etc a child doesn't have the emotional resilience to take on someone else's struggles.

IMO it's stealing a childhood and should be illegal. I can't believe that in this day and age we think that's acceptable.

AIBU?

There was a situation like this but the child was older the single mum had Parkinson's and got very poorly very quickly
It was a case of them just not knowing to ask for help so me and another neighbour helped them and got her a GP appointment and got them some support but she was embarrassed to ask for help it was very sad her daughter was about 6/7

My husband is unable to cook, he is more than capable of feeding himself, the children and caring for them, be that bath time, bed time, gettinf our daughter dressed.

@Simonjt so he can do it then, so that's not an example of needing the children to be carers...

@Peoniesandcream I have MS and it's the reason I've ruled out adoption or IVF. As hell would freeze over before a child became my carer.

Young carer is an emotive term but it's happening everywhere. My kids were taught from 2 or 3 to find daddy orange juice , sugar and his blood testing kit and pen if he went funny. If he wasn't talking to call an ambulance. My 5 yr old.did need to do this once. He lost his sight 2 yrs ago and the attempts.to save it were grueling. The 17 yr old is was registered as one of his carers as he drives him to clinics collects meds etc. Hadn't thought about the 15 yr old untill she told.me she'd filled in a general questionnaire at school about home life and stresses and realised she too was a carer, she cooks , chops food checks meds ect.He has no he has no help as he's seen to have it in me but I need to work to pay the mortgage so I'm not around all day. We work as a team and if anything it's made us all much closer. I di have to force the 18 yr old not to alter his uni plans though.

I have a relative who has become disabled since having DC. They are classed as young carers. They do less than my dc do. (Ie they wash up occasionally but that's all. Mine cook, do laundry, wash up etc)
But because they live with their disabled parent they are automatically classed as carers.

@jamimmi being able to prep food at aged 15 is a normal basic life skill though, many people live independently at 16yo. The 18yo not wanting to go to uni shows their feeling wrong guilty about doing something for themselves/ getting on with their own life which is sad.

@Simonjt
The key difference between your husband’s situation and my Mum’s when I was growing up is that there’s another adult providing care and emotional support to both the sick parent and the children.

The child isn’t left to carry the load.
As @jamimmi says, families work as a team to make things work and what I find appalling is when the other parent doesn’t support their child. Even if the parents aren’t together, the healthy parent should support their children. I can’t imagine letting my DC care for DH without significant support even if we were no longer together, it’s failing as a parent.

@jamimmiI also considered dropping out of uni after my first year as my Mum was v. unwell, but she told me not to. I spent the summer looking after her, and years later, she told me that the doctors had told her they couldn’t do anymore and sent her home to die, but she refused to. She was v. strong-willed 😂

You just said being unable to cook a meal means you can’t care for your children, so thats a back track. He’ll always need a certain amount of care as there are lots of things he can’t do, like put on his own socks, cut his nails, wash or brush his own hair, put a top on if it needs to go over his head. Fairly certain the little ones will survive putting the odd pair of socks on for him.

@Peoniesandcream Thinking about changing educational plans due to a sick parent is very different to actually doing it though.

as I said, I considered dropping out of uni, but my Mum said absolutely not. She couldn’t help her illness, but she did her utmost to ensure that I was minimally affected by it. She was a great Mum. ❤️

@Peoniesandcream I would agree cooking a meal is a life skill but not most nights a week at 13 which is when she started nor is setting up insulin pumps and checking your Dad's glucose levels. I agree it could be much worse though.

Son changing his uni plans was partly as he though we wouldn't cope we did but he popped home often especially when I had planned surgery. He's a good lad .

I hate the stuff around "supporting" young carers. It's state grooming and enslavement. You're not helping young carers by getting them a hat or a coach to Blackpool - you're just helping to groom and trap them.

I think this because I was a young carer, sacrificed eagerly to the NHS budget as a teenager and didn't escape for nearly 20 years. I was worked almost to death (I survived near death agains the odds). The worst part is, I "chose" to do it.

It's not a moral victory to give disabled people "rights" by taking them from children. Everyone in this racket needs to walk away from Omelas.

Yes of course it’s sad. But when you say “it should be illegal” what exactly do you mean? If you mean the government should be providing proper support for disabled people and should be judicially reviewed for some of their recent actions I entirely agree. But if you mean people shouldn’t have kids if they think they might one day need care, or if a single parent has a child and then next day gets hit by a bus then the child should be taken into care I disagree. As others have said it’s likely that at 3 the caring part was probably more like working as a team with the parents rather than full time nursing etc.

This is so sad and I’m very sorry for your experience.

There absolutely should be government funded carers for people who don’t have adult support. Children should never be expected to take care of their parents in this way.

There would be an outcry if perfectly able adults were forced to take in and care for their elderly family members but children with no choice must put up and shut up. It’s utterly immoral.

@Simonjt I'm not the one back tracking, you said he can't cook. Then said he can feed himself and care for the children so which one is it?

He can’t cook, how would that make him unable to feel himself? My seven year old also can’t
cook, but he can feed himself.

Peonies feeding yourself in disability terms can mean actually getting the food from your plate, into your mouth and eating it rather than cooking a meal.

@Simonjt you're the one who put both those statements in the same sentence so I'm asking, can he cook and feed the kids? Can he look after the kids ie every physical need be met?

No he can’t cook, but hes more than capable of feeding the children, hes currently holding a very milk drunk little girl. Yes he can.

If people don't want kids to carry any load what are you doing about that beyond shaming disabled people?
How about we fund social care? It would be much cheaper to pay for carers than than take kids into care.

For a start I didn't vote for this government, we already fund social care through the huge amount of taxes we pay. It's up to the government to fund it properly. Its not about shaming disabled people, its simply saying children should not be carrying the load.

You say its not about shaming disabled people, in which case many of you are aiming your anger in the wrong direction.

Exactly correct, but for those that experience poor health problems that can't get assistance what do you propose they do?

I'll put things into context. I myself have a long term health problem which began some years ago after having had children, I can no longer work. I am a single parent, no family, no support network. I have applied for PIP twice and been refused, money from PIP would allow me to pay for the help I need, but because i have been refused I have no option but to rely on my children. Its very ignorant to assume or suggest that a disabled person uses their children in an abusive way, the government is to blame for making the system ridiculously difficult. And tes the system would allow a child carer to continue caring. Its the system at fault, mot the disabled individuals

I’m so thankful the people I know in real life are far kinder and more generous that’s many of the posters here. My son became a young carer to his father at the age of seven. In my ideal world the benefits system would support me to stay at home and care for both of them. I wouldn’t be too proud to claim!
As it is I work full time so that, when my husband dies (probably before my son reaches his teens,) I will be able to keep a roof over both our heads.

A local charity provide my son with a support worker, a volunteer befriender, days out in the school holidays and counselling.
Last Christmas, about three months after my husband was forced to stop working, my son was given a lovely gift package from a complete stranger, (via the charity.) Toys, sweets, winter coat, jumper, hat, gloves…I cried.

This is not the life I wanted for him, but it’s the best I can do. May you continue to live a charmed existence in which this is an unimaginable horror OP.