Child Carers

[prepared101]

I've named changed because I'm aware this is emotive and I'm prepared to be flamed by some who wholeheartedly disagree with me but...

I've just seen a post a large Facebook group where a poster talks about their 7 year old child who has been her carer since the age of 3. THREE.

My 4 nearly 5 year old has asked me a million things already this morning including could I make them a drink, make their breakfast, help them put their swimming costume on etc etc. How on Earth is a three year old a carer FFS. Even at 10/11/13 etc a child doesn't have the emotional resilience to take on someone else's struggles.

IMO it's stealing a childhood and should be illegal. I can't believe that in this day and age we think that's acceptable.

AIBU?

I know of a charity that provides support for child carers age 5 and upwards across our city. This is very much part of some children's lives.

@MissMaple82 That sounds very hard. 💐I hope their other parent is stepping up too. As I said upthread, I couldn’t imagine letting my DC care for my DH without helping them in some ways, even if we weren’t together. Like bringing over sone meals, etc. It’s part of parenting.

Firstly, to those asking what I plan to do about it- I didn't vote for this government and would 100% vote for any political party honest enough to state in their manifesto that they will increase contribution rates to properly fund the health and social care required in the country.

The recent NI rise is a levy for HSC but nowhere near enough.

Secondly, when I say it should be illegal I mean it shouldn't be allowed. If my mum became disabled I would have the choice as to whether to care for her or not. It seems mad that if I were 11 years old that choice would not be available.

Thank you to those who have shared their own stories.

Advocacy to say “no” or “this is too much” is one of the roles of a young carer’s support worker. This should not fall to the charity sector and should not be a service the adults in the family can decline to engage with. That and EVERY young carer should have someone in that role.
There I agree with you, OP. Unfortunately the threshold for social services involvement is far higher that “kid has a caring role.”

I took two weeks off work when my husband’s mental health hit a crisis point following diagnosis, (aggressive, rapidly progressing ms) and he made a suicide attempt. I also arranged for other trusted adults to be in the home with him/them for the following few months. I was therefore considered a protective parent and my son did not get further state support from social services.

What do you do when he's at school?

I don't think anyone is suggesting parents do it in an abusive way and acknowledge its the state not the child to blame- but its still cruel on children.

@prepared101 if you had no money and your mum had no money you would be at the mercy of ss who would put an amount of care deemed necessary in place but the likelihood is your mum would spend a lot of time alone and potentially at risk. Your choice to care for her would be there but it wouldn't mean she wouldn't suffer if you opted not to.

My DSs were classed as young carers because of my then husband's condition. They didn't do anything physically to help, but they were affected because they weren't able to make loud noises around him, have friends over etc for a period of time. (There was an element of this being self-inflicted and I got myself and my DSs out of there).

At the time I had a friend with MS and her sons were also at the same Young Carers group. Her husband wasn't very supportive of her illness and for a long while refused to make any allowances for it because that would mean giving in to it (🙄). As a result she relied heavily on her eldest DS. She often said she wouldn't be able to cope if he left home. I thought that was appalling, because she was talking about it in a way that would trap him at home well into adulthood.

THAT for me is where it crosses the line into something unacceptable- if your need for care means your DC aren't ever free to leave home and explore the world, and create their own lives.

When the boy is at school dh fends for himself

Obviously theres a point when it is to much, but often kids just slip into the roll because they live with a disabled family member. I have 2 kids (2&5), the older one has autism and I have to actively stop the younger one becoming a child carer (by definitionshe will be classed as one anyway, despitemy best effort).

For instance we had a routine where when we came home both kids would sit on the bottom step and I'd take their shoes off. Then the toddler learned to take her own shoes off and the next time I went to get the bags out the car before doing shoes, I came back to her taking her brothers shoes off. No one asked her to, she just sees me doing it, and kids like to copy adults.

Other times she'll bring him his blanket if she sees him upset, which is just a sibling showing love and tryingto help. I can't stop her from wanting to help her brother, she loves him, but it's things she wouldn't be doing if he was a NT 5 year old.

With older siblings we know from autism groups, they will often automatically adapt their games to include their sibling. No one is making them play with their siblings, but at the same time no one is going to ban them from playing together either, and if they're the only other kids in the house they are going to want to play together.

I'm not pleased to see my youngest taking on this role, but I honestly don't think I'll be able to fully stop it while they grow up together. I absolutely don't think it would be better for anyone if my youngest grew up in foster care, which I assume is the "hard choices" you referred to.

Exactly my middle child has autism he had far more attention than either of my girls did and they where classed as young carers as well both went to a young carers group until about 13 as well. They needed the break from living in a house where his needs had to come first. I still tried my damnest to have our separate one to one time with my girls once a month.

In a family with two children if one is disabled, the other is classed as a young carer, yet they will get far more attention than a child in a family with four children when none of them has a disability

This is absolutely not always the case at all.

i have 6 kids. I had much more time for my children individually when there was 5 of them at home than I do now with 3 at home and the youngest having profound needs.