Child Carers

[prepared101]

I've named changed because I'm aware this is emotive and I'm prepared to be flamed by some who wholeheartedly disagree with me but...

I've just seen a post a large Facebook group where a poster talks about their 7 year old child who has been her carer since the age of 3. THREE.

My 4 nearly 5 year old has asked me a million things already this morning including could I make them a drink, make their breakfast, help them put their swimming costume on etc etc. How on Earth is a three year old a carer FFS. Even at 10/11/13 etc a child doesn't have the emotional resilience to take on someone else's struggles.

IMO it's stealing a childhood and should be illegal. I can't believe that in this day and age we think that's acceptable.

AIBU?

My dc are technically carers for me. DH does most of what I need help with but if he's busy or away, the dc help. I can't carry things up or down the stairs for example so one of them will carry my water bottle up before bed or they might unload the washing machine or one of them might accompany me somewhere to help carry things.

@Thelnebriati

What exactly do you mean by “sterilise the disabled women”?

That’s a very generalised sweeping statement that:

a) all women are fertile
b) all disabled women are able and willing to reproduce using their own eggs

In other countries most of the activities mentioned would be classed as "the expected help with the running of a household within the limits posed by age and abilities."

@Yesitsmeagainhey Direct your comments to the OP. Maybe the two of you can work out a solution to the 'problem' of disabled parents needing carers.

YABU

You don't get to decide whose childhood is ruined because you know there is disability involved.

I was a young carer, for a disabled parent and several disabled siblings.
It is hard it can be very hard but when I was growing up in the 90s and 2000s there was government support and support from my schools that lessened the effects of the practical side of being a carer as a child.I had opportunities given to me that gave me time to be a kid.

On the emotional side I had present, loving, caring parents and a big family of people who despite having severe disabilities, loved me.
I knew I was loved, i was still cared for.
I had a good and happy childhood, sometimes more so than my friends who were not carers. Because my family was around me and always at home. My disabled parent still taught me to read and read me bedtime stories. It doesn't ruin a childhood to also care for other people.

Its harder when there is less government support like there is now and its harder when nobody knows or cares.
But I grew up well, I grew up happy and knowing where I belonged. I may have not had the same chances as some of my peers and some things were much harder. But there are positives to childhoods like mine.

Young carers dont need your pity or to have their homelife be declared illegal. We needed support, (specifically the government schemes from the early 2000s that were brilliant), we needed adequate benefits and housing.
we needed people to not make assumptions about ours and our parents lives that do not help, but just further demonise disabled people and those who claim benefits. As honestly it was people with those attitudes that caused me more harm than my disabled family ever did.

Often these situations don't rise out of nowhere or choice. I think it's incredibly naive to assume so much about a families circumstances.
Child carers can be classified as such for caring for siblings with special needs, or elderly grandparents. It doesn't happen because parents don't give a shit and leave all the caring to the child - more often than not it comes through circumstances you have no control over. It's certainly not something a parent wants for their child.

I really disagree with child carers. It's neglectful, selfish and shouldn't be allowed. Let children have childhoods fgs.

Young carer covers a huge spectrum, my son would technically be classed as a young carer because he sometimes helps with little things like putting on some socks, or helping to get a jacket onto properly.

Even when a younger carer is doing quite a lot, it doesn’t mean their childhood is ruined, it also doesn’t mean they should be removed from their care or their parents should have forced abortions, which is what would be happening if being a young carer was illegal.

I'm heavily opposed to child carers. It's child labour.

It's appalling really. They must save the government an absolute fortune at the expense of their own childhood. Terrible.

It's rarely a choice!!!!!! No one knows what the future holds and circumstances can change.
My daughter is classed as a child carer to her brother who has special needs. It doesn't mean we sit back and let her do everything!! It means she helps out in ways her peers probably don't have to and his condition effects us as a whole. For example he doesn't sleep well at all = it effects us all the next day.
Good god. The ignorance on this thread

These attitudes are the ones that really sucked when I was growing up.

People who don't understand, look down at your parents for being "neglectful" just for daring to have a disability and also raise children.

You are not the authority on what constitutes having a good childhood.

I’m in the same fb group , I know there are lots of young carers , but my mind boggles at a 3 year old , do you think it’s true

@lovelychops it's not ignorance, me ex SIL had 2 children classed as carers, her disability was there before she had them...

So you're implying that disabled adults should not have children ?
I was also referring to the ignorance this thread as there seems to be a large misunderstanding about what the criteria for being a child carer is. Eg siblings as previously mentioned

My Dd was my Carer from age 8, not much choice in it really.
If you think I was ok with it, you are wrong.

It's not it's really not

And yet people have stood by and watched governments successively decimate the people welfare system and support systems that would minimise the weight on the children and siblings of the ill and disabled.

i mean, you could report any situations you feel are really bad to social services, but since they’ve also been decimated it’s unlikely to get anywhere.

My main question would be where are the other adults in the child’s life? How is the other parent supporting their child? Are other relatives supporting them too?

The disabled parent can’t help their condition, but other adults can assist and do their best to ensure that the child has sone relief from their caring responsibilities.

My Mum had a chronic condition that meant that she was physically unable to care for me at times. I did a lot for her when she had a flare-up, but my parents were together so my Dad did as well and sone of their friends pitched in. Family members were a bit useless, tbh.

She was an amazing Mum ❤️

At 3 it could just be passing the parent things though or helping to put shopping away or knowing what to do if the parent had a seizure. My 2yo can empty the dishwasher and put almost everything away in the right place, the difference is that I don't need him to because I'm not disabled, he just enjoys doing it. But I don't see why a 3yo couldn't do some basic tasks like that.

While I agree that the government is partly responsible for these situations, I still think that it’s partly a societal problem if the other adults in the child’s life don’t step up to help them. Their other parent and relatives should do what they can to help the child, for example. If they don’t, they’re failing them, tbh.

Really?

My 15 year old son still struggles to do this without moaning or being nagged

I’m presuming here but is it a reference to not choosing to have children?

Well…I mean you shouldn’t be having a child on the basis that that child is going to be your carer, no.

my mum works with child carers, and this situation is more common than I would have liked to believe.

no one is saying sterilise they disabled. But having a child in the full knowledge that they will need to care for you is wrong. You need a new plan.

But then no one should have children in case they get ill? Disabilities and conditions requiring care happen at all stages of life - MS, depression, CFS, FM , cancer, accidents - all things that can mean people need help.
My onw child has an acquired brain injury because of illness