To worry about leaving DS14 home alone with girlfriend?

[teenagerinlove]

DS only just turned 14 has a girlfriend and they are besotted with each other. Lots of hand holding, cuddling etc. They get on really well and are always laughing and chatting. It's very sweet. She is at our house a lot and they spend their time in his room. Rightly or wrongly I do not insist on the door being open. But I make sure I am here 99% of the time and I regularly knock and go in to say hi or ask them a question etc. They are often lying on DS bed but always fully clothed and don't look flustered or embarrassed when I go in.

If I go out it's only briefly to grab something from the shop.

This evening I could have gone to watch other DS play cricket with H which would have been nice as it's very social, there's a bar and lots of my friends are there with their DC. But I didn't go because I don't want to leave them here alone. That's sensible isn't it?

Yes. Very sensible indeed. Good choice!

If they want to have sex, they will. Sorry but that's how it is. Whether it's at your house, her house or somewhere else.

Have you spoken to your DS about safe sex?

I think you are definitely doing the right thing to not leave them alone. I would do the same. But just remember, this won't mean that they don't become sexually active.

You did the right thing! I love the idea of you popping in asking questions.

Oh I know that - completely. I was not a virgin bride by a very looooong chalk 🤣 I think that's why I'm worried!!

They must get sick of me! "What are you watching?" "Would you like pizza" "Don't forget your homework" "Got any whites" etc etc 😁

Only just 14? There's absolutely no way they should be home alone together. I think you're being very lenient not insisting on an open door. Yes, they'll find a way to have sex if they're going to, but that doesn't mean you should hand them opportunities on a silver platter or normalize it.

Sorry I think YABU. They’re 14 not 4 OP.

If it was your DS alone with one of his boy mates would you have stayed at home?

What exactly are you worried/scared of that might happen whilst you’re gone?

That’s very sensible
we all know if they want to have sex they will… but at the same time I would have also stayed

14 seems young to be laid on a bed imo. I may be a prude but at that age ours were in groups of friends either in bedrooms or downstairs. Just seems a bit intimate at 14.
By 15/16 yes and at that point obviously they got left to it with the usual safeguarding instructions.

Of course I leave him with boy mates but he's not interested in having (very) underage sex with them. Girlfriend isn't 14 till later in the summer either.

I’d be having a “you’re/she’s too young to have sex” talk with them (as opposed to safe sex). With some safe sex backup info in there too…

Have you had “the talk” with him? Has he told you he’s very interested in having underage sex?

Well it shouldn’t curtail your plans tho so I would say they could either come with you to the cricket or she could have been sent home so you could go to cricket and leave DS home on his own.

don’t see that your plans should be centred around a 14yr olds libido.

Also, for the ‘if they want to they will’ brigade, please consider that she may very well not want to (at 13) and being left alone with BF in bedroom may leave her in an unnecessarily vulnerable/awkward situation (as my 12yr old self can attest to)

@NoseyNellie 100% with you on that last bit, and it's a not insignificant part of why I don't want to leave them. While obviously I believe my DS to be a lovely boy (and genuinely I think he is) I also feel some responsibility towards her and not leaving her vulnerable. Maybe that's stupid.

You're right though that I should say either they both come with us or she goes home.

@FlissyPaps yes and no, but he would say that wouldn't he. I told my mum the same but it was a big lie!

Agree, they are children. Why are you encouraging this?

Door should be open and their interest in each other should not be as impacting your social life.

I don't believe you're that naïve. They're 14. 14... Children. Not 16.

14 year olds should be prevented from having sex by any means possible.

The op is not doing anything wrong.

Incredible that anyone would think it's silly/unreasonable to set limits for a 13 and 14 year old. Of course you can't completely prevent them from having sex if they put their mind to it, but you should not be making it easy for them. Children that age very much need limits and certain restrictions.

You are crazy to forgo your freedom to go out and do nice things in order to guard your DS and his girlfriend. You either trust them (I wouldn’t) or you don’t. If the latter tell the girlfriend she has to leave when you go out.

You are crazy to forgo your freedom to go out and do nice things in order to guard your DS and his girlfriend.

Agreed. Tell his girlfriend it's time to go home. Why you're allowing two kids to dictate your plans is beyond me.

He’s not as likely to have sex with his male friends is he? She’s obviously worried theyl get up to something they shouldn’t because they are teenagers that are already comfortable being alone lay on a bed together. At 14 and 13 I think it’s sensible not to leave them home alone together, I wouldn’t give up my evening for it though, either she goes home or they both go with you.

On the 'door' issue... when DSS and his girlfriend were at this stage he was 15 and she was 14.

DP and I had a conversation with DS where we explained to him that the door needed to stay open to give both of them a reason to be able to say 'no' to any kind of intimacy easily – "what if monsterstuckiosa hears / walks past?".

It wasn't because we didn't trust them or thought intimacy was wrong, but because it can be hard at their age to just say 'no' to things they're not comfortable with off their own steam, and this way if either one of them weren't comfortable with something, they could 'blame' it on us being around instead.

Framing it in that way helped him think about it less like a tough rule and more like a way of caring for her, and opened the door to a more nuanced conversation about consent that we might not have had in the same way otherwise.

Just offering this as food for thought.

Oop - just saw your post @NoseyNellie - and your response, @teenagerinlove – seems I'm repeating the same sentiment!

What exactly are you worried/scared of that might happen whilst you’re gone?

Use your imagination ffs! She is worried they will have sex which is a perfectly reasonable concern.

As a mother of girls I actually appreciate what you did OP. I'm sure your boy is a perfectly nice lad but it would make me feel uncomfortable to leave them alone.