To worry about leaving DS14 home alone with girlfriend?

[teenagerinlove]

DS only just turned 14 has a girlfriend and they are besotted with each other. Lots of hand holding, cuddling etc. They get on really well and are always laughing and chatting. It's very sweet. She is at our house a lot and they spend their time in his room. Rightly or wrongly I do not insist on the door being open. But I make sure I am here 99% of the time and I regularly knock and go in to say hi or ask them a question etc. They are often lying on DS bed but always fully clothed and don't look flustered or embarrassed when I go in.

If I go out it's only briefly to grab something from the shop.

This evening I could have gone to watch other DS play cricket with H which would have been nice as it's very social, there's a bar and lots of my friends are there with their DC. But I didn't go because I don't want to leave them here alone. That's sensible isn't it?

I think you should ask for the door to stay open. I'd also not leave them home alone for any real lengths of time.

As the mother of both girls and boys I think OP is being irresponsible to let 2 young teens with raging hormones lock themselves away together at all.

You need to set some boundaries. Lying on the bed with a girl/boy friend at 14 is not remotely acceptable.

Yes door open policy

A girl that young shouldn't even know which of the rooms belongs to who. The living room, kitchen, garden and cloak room is all that should be allowed at that age. Does he mum know she's lying in bed with your son behind closed doors?

Well unless op suspects he's gay, I imagine she's not worried about underage sex with his lad mates. And even if he does have sex with them, she doesn't have to worry about him getting a 14 yo girl pregnant.

@PinkSyCo You have a point, upon reflection maybe they shouldn't be in the bedroom at all but in the living room/garden.

I could have written this OP myself!

My son is 14 (15 in Nov) and has a GF (his first), he went on a school residential at Easter, had the time of his life and came home very unexpectedly with a GF.

They are so sweet, very happy, cuddly and seem very happy but I do worry. They do have time to be alone together and I've gone down the very open conversations about safe sex route. We always have talked openly about stuff well me and DH have, the boys can be quite mortified at us at times!

We both work FT, I don't get home until after 6pm, DH does work from home 3 days a week but there is definitely times they could be doing what they wanted.

I've asked DS and he rolled his eyes and said 'of course we're not having sex mum' but who knows.

I could say she can't come round when we're not in but how would we know. At this point I am hoping that a) they're not having sex and b) if they did they would be sensible enough to use protection.

I remember when my DSs were babies and people said the teenage years were the hardest. I felt so angry at them, how could they be, I never got to sleep/poo/do anything without a baby somewhere in my space.

Roll on the teenage years and I'm 100% with them. It's a minefield and I aren't so sure I have a clue what I'm doing!

I think you do need to say 'door open please' and discourage cuddling on the bed etc. I have a DS (21 now thank goodness) and fully understand those sorts of chats can be difficult... fortunately DS didn't have a GF until he was 17. Your DS's GF is still 13 ....

They are too young to be lying on the bed together. There will be biological stirrings, with the two lying together for hours? So, it's a form of foreplay. This will probably speed up how soon they have sex. They may have sex regardless of location, but you are facilitating the beginnings of a sexual relationship. Please don't, the girl is 13, what would her parents think? And how would they feel? Do you want a new addition to your family in 9 months? I know that's blunt, but it's happened. How will the girl feel when she is older, reflecting back? Its time to say no to these kids.

I am far, far from a prude or naive and YANBU at all, OP.

MN is bonkers (no pun intended) at times. There are people here who insist that 20yo+ is still really just a child, but yet a 13 and 14yo are supposed to be left alone to have sex if they want to.

have you talked to your son about contraception? that would be my first thought.
My line to my son was:
if she gets pregnant it might stop her going to uni.
how would you feel if she had aborted your baby?
how would you feel if she had the baby but didn’t want you to be involved?

Secondly, I would sooner they have sex in my house than in a doorway or on a park bench. Maybe they just want to kiss and cuddle? Do you sit in the room with them all the time? Talk to your son and his girlfriend (and maybe her parents) and leave it to them.
When I first told DS and girlfriend they could share a room in my house they were just happy to be able to spend the night together. They didn’t have sex. And yes, she was underage but we had cleared it with her parents. They took the line that they were happy for them to share a room in our house or on holiday with us, but not in their house or holiday home.
The relationship continued for three years so clearly they did start having sex but thankfully my son had taken my advice.

I must be old fashioned. I wouldn't have them in the bedroom.

I am shocked they are even allowed to be lying on his bed with the door shut.

I guess it just shows how things are changing because when I was that age the only place I was allowed to be with my boyfriend in the house was in the kitchen or the living room.

And that a 15 year old in a revealing low cut top is just a child, but 13-14 year olds will have sex if they want to.

If the girl is 13 then no I wouldn’t let them stay in his room with the door closed. Yes they could do it anywhere but I wouldn’t want to be responsible for a teenage pregnancy happened under my watch. I was a teenage mum. Trust me I know babies aren’t just conceived in beds but they are very young. My daughter is 14 and I want to protect her as long as possible. I wouldn’t want a boy in her room unsupervised

@PinkSyCo - Excellent comment.
There is far too much ‘boy doing x to girl’ in this thread. Girls are just as capable of pressurising boys into having sex, as vice versa.

Thanks all for the comments. Part of the reason they are in his room is the relationship started out as friends - so a bigger group of boys and girls would be in his room together very frequently with the door shut because we didn't want to listen to them/tik tok/YouTube etc. They have since become girlfriend/boyfriend but the 'in the bedroom with the door shut' precedent was set.

I am going to have a chat to him about not feeling comfortable to leave them alone and remind him again about being too young for sex. Agree with the PP who said about asking him how he'd feel if she got pregnant. The last time we spoke he was a) mortified and b) quite clear he agreed they were too young (similar response to the one you got @Curlybrunette).

While I do feel a responsibility towards her when she's here, I don't think it's my job to worry what her mum would think about what happens at my house. That's her mum's job (I know her mum a bit, I have her number) and I am sure she's having conversations with her daughter about sex. If her mum isn't comfortable with not knowing what happens when she's here, her mum can say she's not allowed - or contact me to discuss.

I’d check with the mum also that she’s comfortable with her daughter being in your sons room alone. I wouldn’t be

I think you need to make a firm decision as to whether you are happy for them to have sex or not. Then act accordingly

How you are behaving now is too wishy washy. If you don't want them to have sex then letting them cuddle on the bed is dumb!

While I do feel a responsibility towards her when she's here, I don't think it's my job to worry what her mum would think about what happens at my house.

It's your job to ensure nothing does happen at your house. Fuck the 'precedent' that was set. You do not allow 14 year olds door closed on bed at any time. Fuck that. Get some boundaries and stop acting as if it's not your problem. It absolutely is.

Agree with PPs, the girl is 13 so she is deemed unable to consent to sex (and actually practically rather than just legally at that age I'd agree she is too young to understand the implications and meaningfully consent). So to safeguard both of them I think you need to be present.

Rather than just talking about contraception (which is obviously important) I think you need to make sure your son knows all about consent (asking for any kisses/cuddles and getting enthusiastic yes and that at 13 his gf cannot consent to sex or sexual touching). As well as making sure he knows and understands about body boundaries, no means no, looking at body language etc etc.

@OP, She would never have stepped foot in his bedroom in the first place and if that were my DD, no way would she be at a boy's house, lying on his bed at 13!

I wouldn’t want them in the bedroom
together at 13/14, let alone with the door shut. As someone with a friend whose 18 year old son has just had a baby with his 17 year old girlfriend and it has had huge impacts on A levels, health, university places and much more, I would be thinking very carefully.

Just because a group used to sit in his room with the door shut, doesn’t mean a precedent was set. When they became boyfriend/girlfriend and there were just two of them, that’s when the ‘not going in the bedroom’ conversations should have happened.

I’m no prude and I will happily let my DS’s girlfriend stay over in his room, but that’s at 18, not 13/14!

I think you're doing fine OP.

As long as your son knows about boundaries/safe sex/consent/not feeling pressured (I'm taking about for both of them) I think that's all you can do.

They are at least safe in your house. If the girl has parents at home, it's up to them to speak to her. All you can do is talk to your son and hopefully that keeps them both safe/comfortable.