To worry about leaving DS14 home alone with girlfriend?

[teenagerinlove]

DS only just turned 14 has a girlfriend and they are besotted with each other. Lots of hand holding, cuddling etc. They get on really well and are always laughing and chatting. It's very sweet. She is at our house a lot and they spend their time in his room. Rightly or wrongly I do not insist on the door being open. But I make sure I am here 99% of the time and I regularly knock and go in to say hi or ask them a question etc. They are often lying on DS bed but always fully clothed and don't look flustered or embarrassed when I go in.

If I go out it's only briefly to grab something from the shop.

This evening I could have gone to watch other DS play cricket with H which would have been nice as it's very social, there's a bar and lots of my friends are there with their DC. But I didn't go because I don't want to leave them here alone. That's sensible isn't it?

Do you speak to the GF mum? Does she not worry about her own DD?

I don't know what to suggest but what wpuld you do if you walked in on them in the act? It's better you leave the door open rather than come in and out... just be honest

I think you're doing fine OP.

As long as your son knows about boundaries/safe sex/consent/not feeling pressured (I'm taking about for both of them) I think that's all you can do.

No it's not all OP can do. OP can stop giving them access to a bed, alone, which will encourage a closeness that is unnecessary. That closeness will speed up any physical relationship.

I get it, but presumably they will have lots of other opportunities.

Dh and I don't get home until gone 6. Ds is home from school by 4. If, and it's a big if, he ever gets a girlfriend, they will have plenty of time alone that I can't do anything about.

I’m in the same position except I kick her out whne I wanna go out. I don’t stop my plans 🙈

I think as she's only 13 door open is sensible.
You also need to talk to your son about consent with regard to touching.
Can you encourage them to go out more (give them money for a milkshake, cinema)?
A fair amount of underage sex is due to boredom.

Well you can't physically prevent it, but you could tell him he can't have lone female guests while he is alone in the house.

Exactly!! This girl is 13! 13! Just barely a teenager
Op your job isn't to be the cool parent, it's to be a responsible one. Why on earth are you treating them as adults rather than the children that they are.

While I do feel a responsibility towards her when she's here, I don't think it's my job to worry what her mum would think about what happens at my house. That's her mum's job (I know her mum a bit, I have her number) and I am sure she's having conversations with her daughter about sex. If her mum isn't comfortable with not knowing what happens when she's here, her mum can say she's not allowed - or contact me to discuss.

So if she’s leaving them home alone at her house to have sex, or supplying them with alcohol or cigarettes then that’s ok because she doesn’t have to worry about what you think? Even though it ruins both their lives if the daughter becomes pregnant. I disagree with this, your son is her 13 year old daughters boyfriend, she should be able to trust that you are being responsible with them when they are at your house and not giving them opportunity have very underage sex or do other stupid things like drinking.

Its unlikely her daughter tells her mum that they are lay on his bed with the door closed doing whatever they do in there (it’s not like he won’t have learnt to hear when someone is approaching the room).

Honestly OP it sounds like you allow your teenager to rule the roost with giving up your evening so he can be alone with his girlfriend, and the whole ‘the precedent had been set’ with you not being able to change the rules when it went from a group of friends in his room to one girl. It’s your house, and you are hopefully trying to raise a decent young man, so set the damn rules and be the parent all the time, not just when he’s going a step too far.

You must be mad. A 13 year old girl and just turned 14 boy and you're accommodating all of this? And facilitating it too by letting them lie on his bed with the door shut

Come on. Wake up a bit. Of course underage sex happens but that doesn't mean you have to encourage it which is basically what you're doing

And yes, I have a 23 and 15 year old so some experience of teenagers

Yanbu I lost my virginity at 14 my mum thought we were sensible. Definitely not we were just good at lieing. I ended up pregnant at 15 and had an abortion.

Thinking about it we wasn't allowed in each others rooms with the door closed 🤣🤣🤣

It's the kind of thread you really hope isn't real. I just don't understand the passive attitude towards keeping children safe.

Right i am going to:

• say to DS no more in your room with the door shut and no girlfriend here when we aren't here/she leaves when I want to go out
• have another conversation about consent, boundaries, being too young for sex and safe sex
• speak to her mum and enforce any rules she wants in place too.

Hopefully they won't find somewhere else to go where I've got no idea what's happening and no opportunity to check on them.

@teenagerinlove oh teenagers have been sneaking off for sex since before the dawn of time. We've all been there!

My youngest is 16 in December and I've always encouraged him to be open with me and I also clearly say to him that the age of consent is 16 for a reason - and that reason is his brain just isn't mature enough to handle all that goes with a sexual relationship. And he understands that.

I'm not naive though! He had some online girlfriend last year and I needed about a million eyes and ears to keep a vague tab on that!

And it's all very exciting and thrilling at 14. He just needs the boundaries and the firm message that 'we do not have sex at this age' and then well... you'll have done your best to prevent it and that's all you can do.

And yes, if I was the mum of the 13 year old girl, I'd really appreciate you speaking to me so we could both be on the same page

You can't put the blame all on OP. You should know where your 13 year old DD is surely?

You can't put the blame all on OP. You should know where your 13 year old DD is surely?

This isn't about blame, it's about doing the right thing and making sure our kids are safe. You are acting as if it's a parenting failure if you don't know where you 13 year old is. Well sometimes, just sometimes, they lie. So OP speaking to the mum ensures they all know where the children are. The child may have told her mum she is at her BF house but in the garden, or living room; so its not always as clear cut as 'should know where your 13 year old is' - part of knowing is listening to others.

Where am I putting blame on the op? I'm agreeing with her previous post and saying that I'd really appreciate her speaking to me if I was the other mum. The mum of the girl isn't posting is she so my advice is obviously aimed at the op

Actually I have no idea what you're talking about ..

14 year olds should not be snuggling in his bedroom with a closed door.

But then this is MN where most seem happy to encourage their teens to do it asap.

Your tone seemed a bit harsh and one sided. Of course you don't. Still responded though.

My 13 year old daughter wouldn't be allowed to visit a boy's house on her own at all and I certainly would insist that the parents were there and they were not alone if she went to see a boy without other friends present. My daughter was being encouraged to do activities with friends, have hobbies and spend time family at that age. I am shocked parents encourage relationships like this between children.

I’m quite laid back but I agree with this.

I would also be having a serious talk with my ds explaining that they are both underage and his libido is no excuse. He needs to ensure that sex doesn’t happen.

oh teenagers have been sneaking off for sex since before the dawn of time. We've all been there!

None of my friends had sex before 17 and most of us were at university. My own didn't start showing an interest in others until 16/17 either, which may have been down to luck or potentially being encouraged towards other activities. We definitely haven't all been there!

Yes of course.

I would personally insist on the door being open though (you might get bored of offering pizza!) and I would explain to both that while you think they have a lovely relationship, they are too young for physical intimacy, and you want to help them not end up in an unplanned situation.

I do think you need to have The Talk with your son, because of course if they want to they will - he needs to have birth control in mind.