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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say you can only manage with more than 2 kids of you're a SAHM?

119 replies

mamabeeboo · 17/06/2022 18:09

I work full time and am the main earner in the family. DH and I are talking about our third child, and financially we could afford it. But my main question is the stress. I don't know anyone IRL who has more than 2 kids and wasn't a SAHM during the baby/child years. It just seems like it's too much work to raise 3 or more children with a full time job.

So just wanted to ask if you are out there, does it work? Is it chaos? Did you manage?

OP posts:

RIPWalter · 17/06/2022 21:16

My friend has 3 (1 secondary age, 2 primary) and she has until recently been deputy leader of a county council whilst running her own business, whilst her DH was working full time in a senior role. So it's certainly possible. However I wouldn't want to do it.

OP it is not about whether other people can and have done it and been okay, it is if you can do it and still be the kind of mother, wife, friend, person you like to be.

JaninaDuszejko · 17/06/2022 21:28

We get up stupidly early and go to bed a bit too late

Yeah, this is us. I get up early to swim before work but even DH gets up at 6.15am and we seem to be the last on the street to go to bed as well.

Greenplant7 · 17/06/2022 21:30

I have 4 kids and work in a professional job - but part time so have a day and a half to do the weekly shop, life admin, watch box sets in the day. I also have a DH who does 50% of household jobs, and a cleaner (covered by my salary). I’d go nuts being a sahm, need to interact with likeminded people at work and feel valued.

Nutellaonall · 17/06/2022 21:32

i have three, 8 and under. I work part time. It is just about managable. Almost all the people I know with three work part time. They also have partners with flexible work from home/ work for themselves types of jobs. I guess I could work more if I had a lot of family help but I don’t. I don’t know anyone that is a sahm but I don’t know anyone full time either.

ToCaden · 17/06/2022 21:38

Think it depends. Only personal experience with this is being one of four. We watched a lot of television. I'm talking five plus hours after school. We spent a lot of time outside when things were tense at home. There were years where we just never had a true one to one conversation with either parent. We learned to cook earlier than our peers and ate a lot of junk.

There were better times too, but it wasn't ideal.

HappyAsASandboy · 17/06/2022 21:50

I have four kids, including twins. We both worked full time during the baby years and used nursery/childminder/school kids club in various combinations.

Eldest are about to go to secondary, youngest now two, and we have recently found it too challenging to juggle everyone's needs and give them the attention they need. Covid lockdown also broke the patten of childcare and the oldest really haven't wanted to go back to it. So I have now stopped working for a while.

We have definitely found the older primary years harder to work through than the younger years.

chocolateoranges33 · 17/06/2022 21:53

I have 3 DC and me and my husband both work full time. Older 2 are teenagers and DC3 is 4. Its absolutely manageable, just lots of organising and planning. Wouldn't change a thing about it. However, we're both fairly chilled and dont expect date nights, weekends away etc. We have very limited family support (no babysitting ever) so if DC3 isn't at nursery, he's with one of us and we're happy with that. I think it depends on your desired lifestyle and if you could continue it with 3 DC.

Steelesauce · 17/06/2022 21:58

Lone parent of 3. 5 years between oldest and youngest. I became a lone parent when my youngest was 6 months old and have worked full time (43 hours) ever since to make ends meet. My youngest is 4 now, I've done a pretty good job of doing it I reckon. I don't have a nanny, I have a decent paid babysitter, nursery/school and a very good grandma!

HairyToity · 17/06/2022 22:04

A mum at DD's school works full time with four children. It took me till about year 2 till I met her for first time. Granny looked after the children Monday to Friday. They often have sleepovers with granny when work busy. Also her DH often does the parties at weekends.

In short, ut works, but she has a marvellous support team. Her mother in law is happy to have children all the time, and when mother in law is occasionally busy, her father (retired widower) happy to step in. We're year 6 now and I've never known her children to ever go to after school club or holiday club.

Flamingoose · 17/06/2022 22:04

I have 3 - they're older now. I work in a school so my hours match the kids school hours, but then I also have a Saturday and evenings job to top up the coffers. Husband works full time. It is pretty full on. I like my life but there's not much time to stop and smell the roses.

JennyForeigner · 17/06/2022 22:10

We have 3 under 3 (DS 34 months, twins 10 months). I am the majority income earner so have never really been able to take mat leave.

I wish my DH felt any kind of calling to be a SAHD but he doesn't and frankly would probably explode from anxiety if he tried, whereas he is a good dad if he just gets to go to the office and have a run every few days.

So we pay for an outstanding nanny and a cleaner and I have made the job choices I need to make to wfh. I am finally dropping down to 4 days as our twins reach 1 year, but it will mean sacrifices elsewhere.

Sometimes I wish our nanny would find a lovely rich family close to her, so that she resigns and I have no choice but to stay home, but it is what it is. We have small pensions, had kids late and budgeted for two. We need to work.

Dangermouse80 · 17/06/2022 22:20

3 kids both of us work full time out of the house jobs. It is possible but only if both parents share the load equally.

It is all about planning ahead / making the kids responsible for getting themselves organised.

We have grandparents help out once a week and use afterschool club once a week.

Think the key is to be realistic, think about what is really important and not worry over the small things.

Classicblunder · 17/06/2022 22:20

Someone I was at school with was one of 7 and both her parents worked full time. They did have a nanny, maybe even two!

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 17/06/2022 22:48

I think the preschool years are tough, especially with a small age gap.

I have 3 - went back to work full time when eldest was 16mo, which was fine. Planned to do the same after second but then I had twins! Also had a major international move when they were 8 months.

I did look at finding FT work when they turned one but it's so hard to find a good job with enough flexibility to cover all the inevitable illnesses, holidays, drop-offs and pickups etc. Plus life with 3 under 4 was insane even with DH being part time for some of it!

I decided to go self-employed instead and currently work in the mornings while twins are at nursery/ eldest at school. Also have a part-time cleaner/ home help or it would be utter chaos in the house

I will be looking to return to FT work (or 4 days would be fab if I can get it) once the twins start school. I am overseas though and fortunately infant school starts at 3 with proper days 8.45-4.30, so that makes life much easier.

Should add that DH shares the load fully when he's home. No family nearby though.

I have to admit I wouldn't voluntarily be full-time caring for my kids. I love the bones of them but it would drive me utterly insane. I know working will be easier!

Labracadabradoodle · 18/06/2022 00:48

I did it, it was exhausting but somehow managed.

Lochjeda · 18/06/2022 01:09

Yip we managed but only because I spaced it out, my first was at school when second was born, second was in nursery when third was born then in school when I went back off maternity. We had help from grandparents for childcare until my third came along and then he and the girls went to a childminder after school and in holidays.

Vargas · 18/06/2022 21:30

Would have been impossible for our family unless we had a full time nanny, but that's because DH could only work from office and his hours were 7.30 to 6.30 or later, so never available for school runs.

FWIW I was a SAHM for many years and don't regret it at all.

Hankunamatata · 18/06/2022 21:32

Lots of professional women I know had 2 close together then a large gap then another 1 or 2 close together.

We could have managed our 3 except they had additional needs and childcare couldnt cope with their needs.

Ladylalaboo1 · 19/06/2022 00:10

I have three and both me and partner work full time. Tbh I had my 3rd late 2020 so have benefitted a lot from both me and my partner working from home and still being able to do that, also I get a lot of childcare help from my parents ( Mondays and Tuesdays they have the 1 year old whilst my eldest two are in school so I can do the bulk of my work in those two days so I can fit my work around the youngest the remaining 3 days) I think having a really accommodating job for both of us has helped us no end and it's the reason why I haven't looked elsewhere even though I'm not paid nearly a good amount that I would be elsewhere just because I know the flexibility atm works for us and I wouldn't have it elsewhere even with better pay so I'm hanging on until the youngest is in school! Definitely hard though and things like housework etc take a back seat during the week for sure!

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