To say you can only manage with more than 2 kids of you're a SAHM?

[mamabeeboo]

I work full time and am the main earner in the family. DH and I are talking about our third child, and financially we could afford it. But my main question is the stress. I don't know anyone IRL who has more than 2 kids and wasn't a SAHM during the baby/child years. It just seems like it's too much work to raise 3 or more children with a full time job.

So just wanted to ask if you are out there, does it work? Is it chaos? Did you manage?

I know a few couples where both work full time and have 3 children. Fair enough to say it's more of a challenge, but to say it can't be done when loads of people do it is odd.

I think you just manage! 4 kids ranging from 6-18. LP since I was pregnant with youngest. Was back at work for family business within 2 days of having youngest 2 as had no choice. I actually think the oldest 2 are more time/energy consuming individually than the younger 2 put together. It doesn't ever feel easier, just a new set of complications as the years go by.

I had 18 months off with a breakdown and now back working full time again for the last year (no longer in family business). It's tough but we manage! Importantly, I've learnt my limits.

Such extremes on this thread between people juggling 4+ with 2 full time parents and SAHM’s couldn’t manage a 3rd.

The thing is that working isn’t the full picture, there are so many other factors: how much childfree time do you want/need, how involved is your partner, how comfortable are you for kids to do lots of long days/wraparound, age gaps of kids, how much family support, how important is a tidy home to you, how hard/flexible is your paid work, how much money to outsource things like cleaning, how easy are your kids, any SENs, how organised are you…. The list is endless.

Only you can know whether you have capacity to parent another in the way you want to parent and also work at the level you want to.

FWIW I have three and have worked 21 hours per week in a professional role since having my first. We have a cleaner and DH is a fully involved parent. It’s the perfect balance for me and I enjoy both my work and my time with the kids.

I suppose there's 'managing' and then there's living in a way where the pressure is taken off and you feel like you're living rather than just managing .So it's whether the financial disadvantage if a single salary outweighs the benefit to the family of having a SAHM??

So I’m currently sitting relaxing in my kitchen with a glass of wine, chatting to DH as he cooks dinner. I’ve spent time with my kids this evening, two are now in bed and the other having a bath. I don’t feel remotely like we’re just existing!

Tomorrow will be music lessons and ensembles, two birthday parties and a school choir festival performance. I’m also meeting friends for an afternoon tea. I expect tomorrow evening will be everyone relaxing in front of the TV.

It’s busy but it’s fun and it’s life and it’s normal for us. I can’t recognise us in this picture of some sort of stretched existence where everyone is miserable.

I had two with a small age gap and waited till son was 3 before I considered a 3rd. It's tough working full time if you also choose small age gaps as childcare is expensive and not everyone has family close by that are willing to help.

I have 3 now and am going back to work two days a week, this is because dh can afford for me too and is compressing his hours so he has one day off in the week where he will have baby and our other kids once they get back home from school. He will have all three when I work a Saturday. it's doable if big kids are in school, if you have a supportive partner who pulls their weight and you are able to outsource stuff like cooking, cleaning, laundry and childcare. You still need to be organised to keep on top of things.

It's a very personal decision. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

I've known parents work with 3+ and not have a sahp, it often works better with family support and/or flexible jobs. An old colleague had 5 dc and both parents worked but the dc were spaced out, at the time they were something like 17, 13, 9, 5 and 1. They had a great family life. I have 2 and me and dh work ft, flexible hours, understanding employers but little to no family help due to distance. I couldn't manage a 3rd, the 2 we have can be a handful!
But I also known sahp with 1 or 2 dc that struggle a lot and comment how they couldn't work as well as parent.

It really depends on the parents, the dc, support networks/childcare and type of job (high stress, long hours, inflexible can make it hard).

Single parent of 3, minimum input from my ex, I’ve either worked or studied full time since youngest was 8 months old - was single by the time youngest was a month old.

I find it easier than staying at home, tbh.

I have 4. My eldest just turned 8. Youngest is almost 7 months and I work 25 hours.
I frequently get told I am mad

I don't know. I never felt it was chaos. I have 4 children aged 2 to 11. Always worked full time apart from the mat leaves (6 to 9 months off). Husband works full time. Relatively senior but not crazy hours.
We manage.
We know have a full time nanny but that's because our youngest has significant additional needs meaning nursery wouldn't be suitable. I'll admit the nanny makes everything much easier. But if our youngest didn't have issues then I'm pretty sure we'd be fine with the more usual childcare arrangements as we did before, nursery, school etc.
Husband pulls his weight at home with the kids.
No family nearby but the kids are fab and the oldest are very helpful.
So maybe it depends on the job, the partner, the age gaps etc.

I have a 4 kids and am a single parent with an alcoholic ex who can’t share care for obvious reasons. I work full time in a shift based NHS role. Do I manage? Sure. I have an au pair and their dad pays maintenance. Am I happy? No. Are the kids? I’m not sure. I’m tired, I’m stressed and doing anything fun costs a fortune. I have no free time to see friends, date or have any kind of life outside my job and my family. With 4 kids it’s not so much parenting as crowd control. Definitely all our quality of life would have been better if I only had 2 kids (baby number 3 was twins). But an involved partner or even ex partner would make a massive difference

now

My sister in law and her husband have three kids. They've both always worked but had A LOT of help from family.

I have 3 children (nearly-2, 8, and 9) and I work almost full-time (I have time off for part of 1 afternoon a week for a school pick-up). My husband works full time and is sometimes away for weeks at a time although not much since covid. We manage - mainly by spending a lot on childcare. And we enjoy our lives - we’re not wishing this stage away and having baby 3 with the others a bit older is good (I had a really small age-gap with the first 2). It IS exhausting but then I had baby 3 in my mid-40s so I figure I’d always feel an element of being tired with just the other 2 plus my job which is very senior and really full-on. But the fact we do it is really neither here nor there - only you know what you have emotional, physical and financial capacity for. But if you want reassurance that it’s possible - it is, and loads of people do it - most of my friends also work alongside child-rearing - but that doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Make the choice that works for you - we’re all different.

I had 3, 3 and under when my youngest was born and took ten months maternity leave. I work 4 days a week (and am blessed with a very supportive manager) and my DH works full time in a demanding high pressure job. We’ve spent the last 8 months paying childcare for the two youngest and wrap around for the eldest, but it is manageable. It helps that I have a hands on DH as we have no family near us but you do have to lower your expectations somewhat and learn not to sweat the small stuff.

We have 3 and both worked full time. It was pretty full-on but I don't remember it as unrelenting stress tbh (kids are young adults now). We used daycare when they were pre-school. It cost a fortune but was worth it. Then mixture of after-school/clubs/child minder in our home. No family nearby.

My work was pretty flexible with me at this point so I could work from home a bit. We both travelled for work but not for long periods.

Dh was a very involved, hands-on dad. it would have been impossible for me if he wasn't. We had a cleaner once a week. I also made a group of good female friends in daycare and in every school we were in and we would help each other out with lifts/emergency stuff.

A very high flyer at an old job of mine (she was something like my boss's boss's boss's boss IIRC) had four children. Having said that, she was probably on a good enough salary to have a nanny. Didn't Sheryl Sandberg have nine children? Or am I confusing her with someone else? I suspect it's not too hard if you're a high enough earner to hire nannies etc. Or of course if you earn enough to support the whole family and your partner is happy to be a SAHD.

I do know a family with four children where both parents work in "normal" jobs, but one is a teacher (and I don't want to start arguments about whether teachers work hard, but it does mean their holidays line up with the children's, which must make it easier) and I'm not 100% sure either or both of them are full time.

I think 3 and working is pretty normal provided you have decent age gaps, a supportive partner, reasonable work, and no special needs. We know a fair few people who have done it and it's fine, they usually are the ones who just get on with things though.

I think different people have different capacities though - I know I often get told by people they don't know how I manage everything but to me it seems entirely normal. It seems to be the same with the other three child families we know though as they're the ones also getting involved in other things like volunteering and sport too.

It's unaffordable for most people to work with more than two young children. I'd be worse off if I were working.

Myself and partner both work full time (50+hrs each) with 3 kids. Apart from childminder 2 days, nursery 2 days and before and after school club we don't have help from anyone else. Family are either too old or too far away and zero flexibility really in our roles.

It works because we work and live in a short distance of schools etc so no long commutes, and I work one or both days at weekend which means 1 day a week I can do laundry/all the cleaning/gardening tasks that would otherwise be squashed into a weekend. We get up stupidly early and go to bed a bit too late. We batch cook, we're super organised, we share Outlook calendars and do pretty much everything online.

I worked full time with three for 3 years as a single parent. It was hard but we were ok (well paid as experienced teacher, so holidays off etc). My kids are also quite calm and NT so not too difficult to handle. I was tired but the house was clean enough, I was able to keep up with friends and sport and my kids are doing great. I didn't get much tv watched in those 3 years but it's ok

Just remembered. I know a lot of parents with 3DC where both parents work so think that's fairly normal (as far as I can tell the biggest factor that affects that choice is housing costs, only one of my friends in the south has 3DC, where we live in the north it's as common as having 2DC) but I have a colleague with 3DC, two of which have SEN to the extent that they couldn't use childcare so my colleague and her DH both work PT and look after their children with no external support (colleague is foreign so no family nearby). Obviously they are skilled professionals who have good salaries and flexible working conditions but they are my absolute heros for managing an obviously difficult work life balance. I'm sure their days at work are vital for maintaining their sanity.

We have 4 Dcs aged 2 and up and DH and I both have demanding jobs. We manage ok but that's thanks to paying an absolute fortune on childcare, and it was very stressful finding a good childminder in the first place.

The mum guilt is real though 🙈

My friend had twins then a single. She worked through it all bar mat leave, but drip one day. However she had a lot of family support, a DH who did his share and she still really struggled.

I could only imagine working with my three if I could pay for help - good wraparound childcare, cleaner, etc

YABU