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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say you can only manage with more than 2 kids of you're a SAHM?

119 replies

mamabeeboo · 17/06/2022 18:09

I work full time and am the main earner in the family. DH and I are talking about our third child, and financially we could afford it. But my main question is the stress. I don't know anyone IRL who has more than 2 kids and wasn't a SAHM during the baby/child years. It just seems like it's too much work to raise 3 or more children with a full time job.

So just wanted to ask if you are out there, does it work? Is it chaos? Did you manage?

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 17/06/2022 18:35

I have three and work full time, it's chaos but it works

amaiz · 17/06/2022 18:36

One word of caution OP - when you are a SAHM in larger families, everyone gets used to you being there for them and you'll find that they're more expectation on you than if you were working. Suddenly, you will wonder how you ever worked! So fine if you're not thinking of returning anyway, but worth having a clear time limit if you do need to return to work. Husbands very quickly get used to you being available for everything!

Puppalicious · 17/06/2022 18:36

And yes - impossible without a DH who pulls his weight. I would make a really bad SAHM (I’m shit at house work) and I think DH would hate to be the sole earner so I guess we’re a good match!

Aksbdt · 17/06/2022 18:36

We have 3 but one is a teen and I only work 4 days yet still it’s really hard going - the washing, the organisation, keeping on top of the house etc.
We find it hard enough with all the illnesses that the younger 2 have to manage work around it so no idea how people manage 3

Galliano · 17/06/2022 18:37

I went back to full time work when DC3 was 7 months old. DC1 and 2 were 7 and 6. I used a day nursery for DC3 and before and after school clubs for DC1 and 2. It was tough but certainly not unmanageable. DC3 is 20 so it was a long time ago. It would actually be easier now I think…I still work for same employer and they’ve since embraced flexible and hybrid working whereas I was in the office 5 days a week with rigid minimum hours.

Koffee123786 · 17/06/2022 18:41

I only have the one (19mo) and we're planning number 2 for next year. My husband and I both work full time we would like 3 in total. We are looking at an almost 3 year age gap between the two if possible for financial reason.

We would not be able to afford to live if we didn't work full time and the plan would be to return to full time work.

Seeleyboo · 17/06/2022 18:42

I had 3 under 5 and a full time job and i was a single parent and i hosted students. Hard work. Phew glad that's over with now.

Doubleraspberry · 17/06/2022 18:47

DH is very hands on indeed and does the washing and most of the cooking. So the load is very evenly spread. But I assume you and your husband also share the workload or otherwise you’d presumably be asking how single parents worked full time and had three kids?

Teacherteachernotapreacher · 17/06/2022 18:52

We have three (10, 8 and 6) and are both full time teachers (I’m a deputy head). We’ve always been full time and just cope with ASC etc. no family support. Do have a cleaner.
Anything’s doable if you have to I think. husband also does his fair share as wouldn’t be possible without that.

GreekGod · 17/06/2022 18:53

amaiz · 17/06/2022 18:36

One word of caution OP - when you are a SAHM in larger families, everyone gets used to you being there for them and you'll find that they're more expectation on you than if you were working. Suddenly, you will wonder how you ever worked! So fine if you're not thinking of returning anyway, but worth having a clear time limit if you do need to return to work. Husbands very quickly get used to you being available for everything!

Fully agree with this. Although I have always worked full time in a demanding job, I honestly believe that close friends of mine who were SAHM when 3 kids when little had it a LOT harder than me who worked full time especially when it came to demands from the DC and their DH.

FreeButtonBee · 17/06/2022 18:53

I have three; work 4 days per week (although the day off is fairly theoretical sometimes!) in professional services. I do have a nanny but to be honest when I had twins the cost of nursery would have been the same price as a nanny. It’s full on partic now they want to do after school and weekend clubs too as well as play dates etc. but I’ve not sacrificed my career totally albeit it’s moved a bit slowly when I was in the proper baby years. Have a cleaner once a week: supermarket delivery religiously every week; good public transport options to reduce commute times; zero family support though. And husband who does his bit (drop off to school 3 times a week; fair share of housework and sick days).

not easy but defo doable if you set yourself up to succeed (and can afford the extra help or have family support)

Needadviceagain · 17/06/2022 18:58

I have 3 and they were 2yrs 8months, 1yr 5 months and newborn. I went back to FT work after maternity leave and worked full time quite happily until a few years ago when I changed jobs and went part time (because I liked the job). They're teenagers now so job change was irrelevant to their ages or anything else chipd related. Dh alao works full time. I didn't have nannies or similar and actually, don't have any family within 200miles to help either. I just had to be really organised!

Happyhappyday · 17/06/2022 18:59

Some of my NCT group have 3 (eldest are 3.5). I think a couple work part time at least.

DH’s family did it with both parents in high flying jobs but had FT Nannie’s + boarding school + significant help from other family members. FWIW, they are a really close family and all 3 kids loved their nannies and mostly the boarding school bit. DH loved boarding school.

Happyhappyday · 17/06/2022 19:01

Also have a friend who has twins and works 3 days a week in a professional job but her husband works in tech (US) and I would hazard a guess is on upwards of $300k/year. They have a night nanny 5 days a week and day time nanny almost FT in addition to oldest being in preschool. She is a hands on parent, but they have resources to chuck money at it, so they are.

Quickarchange · 17/06/2022 19:02

Single mother of 4. Not and haven’t ever been a SAHM. Of course you can make it work,

MacmillanMO · 17/06/2022 19:05

I have 4 children and the longest spell of SAHM I had was under 2 years with my eldest (before I had a mortgage). I wanted no 5, but DH wasn’t having it.
We muddled through between DH, DM and me (and a cleaner). I’ve always been very busy, yes, but I’ve never felt it to be unmanageable.
DH and DM have always been very hands-on with the kids, and also very keen for me to develop my career. Maybe that’s the difference - I’ve always had a LOT of support.

Ilovedthe70s · 17/06/2022 19:14

Widowed mother of 6, I had to work full time to feed us all. You do what you have to do.

Ylvamoon · 17/06/2022 19:15

It depends on so many things... your own personality & expectations, stress level of your job, your partner and of course your DC.
I have 2 DC and I only managed to work p/t in the early years due to a combination of partner not able to help out much (due to work), DC2 being highly strung and wanting to have time for my hobby.

Hutchy16 · 17/06/2022 19:16

Simonjt · 17/06/2022 18:26

Next door have four under six, so all quite young and small age gaps, they both work fulltime and don’t have a nanny or au pair, just use nursery like lots of parents.

Haha sounds like she hasn’t been doing much of her time at full time…all that maternity leave.

Unless twins then she must be exhausted too…4 pregnancies in such a short time.

I can’t decide if she is amazing or mental lol

Tillow4ever · 17/06/2022 19:16

I have 3 children. I have never been a SAHM. Is it hard? Yes. But it's possible! My middle son was starting private school when my maternity leave finished with my youngest, so that helped. We used a childminder rather than a nursery for our youngest.

I will say going from 2-3 was a hell of a lot easier than the change from 1-2!

Whatever you decide, please know it is possible to be a working parent with 3 children.

Oh and a friend of mine worked full time had had 4 children (surprise twins for her 3rd pregnancy). She was a brilliant mum and managed to advance her career as well!

PumpkinSpicedLatte22 · 17/06/2022 19:17

Being a SAHM to two kids is easy, so 3 might be a little bit different but probably not much, if you want a 3rd, go for it

ClinicallyProven · 17/06/2022 19:19

The head teacher of the school I work at has 4 DC. She has a DH is a lowish paid job, who does a lot of the life admin stuff, but they both work full time. No nanny, but she does live next door to her mum!

Hutchy16 · 17/06/2022 19:22

Slightly unrelated, but reading some responses about people needing to work full time in order to look after the children…is there a reason you had more than one or two?

it’s no judgement, I just found that I had no real issues throughout my son’s early years and I wonder if it was just because I had only one. And whether I would be able to justify having more if I was working myself to the bone to be able to live. 💯 no judgement, I just really wonder why people have 3/4/5/6 kids when it means struggling more financially and for childcare.

scrivette · 17/06/2022 19:22

I have 3, I now work 3 days a week. It's doable but you have to be very organised, I do all the school/nursery runs but working from home has made a massive difference to stress levels regarding getting to after school club etc on time.

Dajeeling · 17/06/2022 19:23

Single (working) parent with 3 with ASD (two of whom are 4 and under).

you manage!