To say you can only manage with more than 2 kids of you're a SAHM?

[mamabeeboo]

I work full time and am the main earner in the family. DH and I are talking about our third child, and financially we could afford it. But my main question is the stress. I don't know anyone IRL who has more than 2 kids and wasn't a SAHM during the baby/child years. It just seems like it's too much work to raise 3 or more children with a full time job.

So just wanted to ask if you are out there, does it work? Is it chaos? Did you manage?

3 under 5 here and I’m a SAHM since DC3 (7 months) was born and plan to be until he’s 2-3. No idea how we would deal with the madness of the early years if I wasn’t to be honest, it’s tough enough getting housework done when I’m at home with the younger two but if I was out at work it’d be near impossible. And then the cost of childcare as well. I do think when you have multiple small children it’s easier to have one person at home. Yeah it can be very repetitive and drive me insane in some ways but I think we would have struggled otherwise.

We have 3. Both work full time in stressful jobs with very little flexibility. We can only make it work because my husband does early mornings and late nights whereas I have more traditional daytime hours which means we dont spend time together. No family nearby to help out either.
It is do-able but tough - I don't know any woman who works in my role / sector who hasn't gone part time after having a child apart from me but it can definitely work - I think I'm doing an OK job...

Single parent to 3, working in a FT demanding job. No cleaner, nanny and have to run them to various clubs 4 times a week. Oh It’s doable if you have to.

I went back to work when mine were 7, 4 and 2. No way could have gone back any sooner. I do 25h and it’s a nice balance (also a single parent)

That went for us. The only way with three was to employ a nanny. We had three nannies in total. All of them were lovely.

Me and my DH did it. We had a 9, 8,4 and 1 year old. I did 4x 10 hour shifts a week ( Thursday, fri, sat, Monday) and 1x 6hour admin shift at home. He did 3 x 8-10 hour night shifts Friday/Saturday/Sunday. We b Barry saw each other at words and literally passed at the front door. It was hard but we got through it.

My best friends do similar. They have 4 kids 13-4 and he works 5 night shifts 10-8am and she does 4 x8 hour days 9-5. . She does school drop off, he does pick up. They have a few hours of an evening and the weekends together. He does the dinner etc and she does the bed times. They have been together since they were 14 and Magee it work.

I've got three. I'm a single parent and I work.

Definitely no nanny as someone upthread said!

It's hard. But it's what we do.

Having a full time job doesn’t equal working your fingers to the bone? I enjoy working; staying at home would drive me mad. I worked part time until they were all at school to spend a bit of extra time with them but once their days were taken, there didn’t seem much point. My life is busy, sure, but I’m slightly thrown at how impossible my fairly normal life is seen to be by many on this thread. Ultimately we just have an extra child’s logistics to work around - why does that require a stay at home parent?

Friends of ours have four and both work full time. He does overtime. She went through her professional qualifications starting when they had two and finished when they had all four.

It was tough. He worked shifts and took as many nights as he could. She did days. They never managed a real holiday together for the young years. Frankly I’m not sure how they were in the same room and awake at the same time long enough to conceive the last one.

But they did it. No Nanny. Very little family help. Just the standard hours once they kicked in.

personally I think they’re nuts. But they seem happy

I have 3 DC and work 40 hours a week, OH does 35 hours. It works because I work 7am-3pm with a very short commute and OH has a super flexible job where he can wfh a lot. He does drop offs, I do pick ups. When one of the older 2 is ill, he will wfh and neither of us needs to take a day off work.
My parents help out a lot as well, they do a couple of afternoons most weeks. We also have a cleaner twice a week who does a lot of tidying as well, not just cleaning.
It doesn't feel massively stressful, it's a lot of work but definitely doable. What I struggle with is lack of sleep (DC3 is 15 months and doesn't sleep well), playdates (they are so much work, I hate them!) and extracurricular stuff. It's difficult fitting in activities after school with 2 DC in tow.
I agree with the poster who said your partner and kids will get used to you being at home, which makes going back to work difficult. I only took around a year off for each DC which made the transition back to work much easier.
If you want a third, go for it. If your partner is on board, you will manage.

I've got four and became a single mum when youngest was just 2yr so I've had to work and survive on one wage. You make things work using the support that you have. I did have a five year gap between second and third which helped quite a lot.

I'm a sahm and definitely couldn't cope with 3!

I've got five children and have always worked full time in an events role and my husband works in recruitment role. We had 4 under 22 months at one point and a 4 year old.

Nursery for the three eldest and then nursery and nanny for all five until the youngest were four. Then we just had the nanny for 2 school drop offs/3 picks ups. Once the eldest went to secondary we used after school clubs, grandparents did a day/morning and split the other days between us.

As a lone parent to two with a small age gap - since theywere babies - abd a demanding full time job it has been hard. But I would think thath then two parents to share providing financially and looking after the children between them should find 3-4 manageable? And also less expensive as single parent households are taxed proportionately more.

I wouldn't choose to do that though, because it would be hard, like lone parenting two is. Two children with two parents to work/ look after them should be a walk in the park by comparison.

Ah yes that would make a difference also, extended family looking after the children! I cannot imagine, lucky peeps who have this!

The only person I know who manages this and works full time - has a live in nanny....

I have 3 and I'm the main earner including a set of toddler twins. No family help as theyAll live hundreds of miles away

It's exhausting - but that might just be the twin aspect - but you make it work. Best diet I've ever been on as barely have time to sit down and eat. Work life balance much much better thanks to covid and WFH some days

We've got three DC (11, 8, and 2) and we both work full time in reasonably flexible roles with little or no commute. DH and I do very equal shares and so it doesn't feel exceptionally tough.

Our youngest is in a terrific day nursery and has just started going full time; prior to that we flexed our hours in opposite directions to cover child care. Our older two now have their share of clubs & activities, which also helps. We've got a cleaner and a gardener every other week so I don't really think too much about those things beyond the basics.

Honestly it comes down to money. Very good but expensive day nursery (it is the same amount as our mortgage), outsourcing the deep cleaning/gardening...we didn't have those things for a while when we were both working and had just our older two DC and I found that a lot more difficult to manage.

We have 3 and we both work full time but opposite shifts. We didn’t pay for any childcare either and just waited till the 30 hours funding kicked in. We do both have great flexibility and great employers though.

I work full time with 3 dds - 10-14 years old. We have a cleaner and I often say I need a pa for life admin but dh and I are very equal so none of the wife doing everything in the house and work.

You could have a SAHD.

But yes, I agree.

Huh?! Most people I know have 3 or 4 kids and work full time or maybe 80% apart from mat leave. I’m one of 4 and my parents were both teachers (holidays were easy at least). All my cousins are families of 4, 5 or 6 kids and the only aunt who was a SAHM was the one with 6 kids.
I’m thinking of colleagues too - my boss has 3 kids, my old boss has 4 kids, the big manager has 4 kids…

i don’t actually know any SAHM of my own age! (35)

Feeling like superwoman now after seeing all the people who think it's impossible 😁. I think if you have to cope you do.

We have 3DC close together (we had 3 under 5 initially), no family close by so no babysitters, both work FT now, when they were very little we both worked 4 days a week and DH had a long commute. The DC went to nursery / after school club on the days we both worked and we have a lovely cleaner (that was non-negotiable). We are fortunate to have generous annual leave and DH made good use of parental leave when they were small. Life is busy (but not chaotic), we have to throw money at things to save time but we both pull our weight and the kids have always had to be independent (e.g. they could all dress themselves at a much younger age than people here seem to think is possible, and the DDs are both now good cooks). Now they are older (the DDs are teenagers) it's easier, but we still spend every evening driving them to sporting activities so still busy.

I tried it with cleaner & nanny but couldn't cope. Gave up my career to become sahm. Then part time once kids were older (678) but different job and not my proper career. I don't regret it yet though. I'm there for everything, from sports days to auditions etc, I'm available. And exhausted. House isn't immaculate. But I still think it is the better balance for us

Back in my "proper" working days the nanny used to go to school events for me. I regretted this but it was better than the children having no-one.

I have 3 and have worked ft since first was 9 months .. the only way it worked was to have a DH who worked evenings and for me to live near work..

me 9-5 but got the kids up dressed and to school and child minder . DH got up at 11, did housework /laundry and picked small dd up at 1pm.. and others up at 3:30.. I got home at 5:15pm and he went to work at 6 -1am..

We divorced because we never saw each other . But still kept up same child care routine and I am still working ft.