To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

I still wouldn’t. They would be seeing you a lot less than they are used to and I would want to be in the same count in case they were ill etc. Plus I would miss them too much.

@Pinkdelight3 thank you very much! I think you're right

If it goes badly, can't you just come back? As you are not investing any money anyway.

@JanisMoplin yeah I would definitely be able to come back.

Men do it all the time and Women who are deployed do it all the time. If this opportunity is going to enhance you and your children's future and they are safe with their father then yes go and achieve your dreams. Luckily we have facetime and other social media outlets where you can see and talk to your children everyday.

If you don't do this, you will always be thinking "what if?". But you haven't said what your DD think.

But would you be able to come home EOW OP with the travel industry being how it is at the moment? I think you aren't factoring in that flight costs are going to increase. There's strike action looming in lots of service sectors here and some countries (Spain included) have a history of striking about things like wages / cost of living increases

I also think you are being quite blase about the impact on your children for what is essentially a jolly.

OP please ignore the haters. This is 3 months of their lives which will stand you in excellent stead for the future.

My friend got pregnant at 20, during a medical degree. Ditched by her boyfriend, she had her daughter alone, and there were sacrifices - the kid stayed with her parents a lot, she was often not there for bedtime, and worst of all, during covid she had to leave her daughter with her grandparents for 4 months as the country (Spain) was in strict lockdown and she had to work, kid couldn't be left alone in the house. you know what - SHE SURVIVED. It was tough, there were tears, but the kid is now a lovely, unselfish and balanced 11 year old, and mum has an excellent job as a junior renal consultant to support her. DO IT OP!!!!

I wouldn't. It would have no bearing on your career at all, and when you start your training contract that will be immensely full on and that will also be a lot of time away from your children which you will have to do. I wouldn't do the extra time away just for the experience.

I haven't voted because it's your choice but I wouldn't do it. If I had children with a partner I wouldn't be happy for them to do it either, it doesn't just apply to women.

Oh please men do it all the time as do women who are deployed. She is trying to enhance her children's future and fulfill her academic and employment needs. We have facetime and social media outlets that make it so much easier to stay in contact regularly with her children plus they are safe and happy with their father so for you to suggest she just picks them up and drop them off when it suits is very patronising of you!

This would mean taking the children away from their father, and probably for more than3 months so I’m not sure why that’s better for the family.

OP I would do it in your scenario. Sounds like a great opportunity. Children will be looked after by their other parent in their own home, you will see them regularly and it’s time bound so there will be certainty as to when you will return.

I wouldn't even consider it for that long with young dc, but then I am used to seeing my DC every day apart from the occasional weekend away without them, so I admit it's hard for me to imagine.

I think only you know how much you want to do it and if you and the dc would adjust to the situation.

I would definitely do it.
If you trust their DF to look after them well and that he will facilitate contact it can be a great experience for everyone. At that age they understand that you are not gone forever, and kids will pick up cues from their adults about whether this is a safe situation or something to worry about it. If you and your ex and comfortable and confident with your decision and you are able to stay in frequent touch the DC will be absolutely fine.

Fuck yeah. No man would hesitate. Why should you?

Do it. They will be with their other parent who they have 50% of the time anyway. See them eow and zoom everynight. It'll fly by. I dont understand all the posters who think it's a terrible idea! Children are hugely adaptable especially in well functioning parental set ups. Yes they'll miss you but they will get you back after three months. In fact I think it will be good for them!

I wouldn’t. And whilst I agree that many men would just go ahead and not give it a second thought, I don’t think that makes it any better - I wouldn’t be happy if DH signed up for this either, if he had the option not to do it.

I don’t know enough about your field to know if it would make you significantly more employable though. Would it really make a big difference? I did a year abroad when I was at university and have also since worked abroad and whilst both were a great experience I don’t think they’ve really opened many doors for me. But as I say it’s a different field.

@abblie @Mariposista But OP has said this will not enhance her career prospects and it will not have any benefits to her kids in the long term at all. It's essentially a 3 month holiday.

Are we really justifying it by saying that lots of other parents only see their kids every two week? Is that really the bar for parenting that we’re ok with?

Trying not to be rude here but anyone who would choose to leave a four year old child for three months and swan off to live abroad for something that is patently a jolly which will offer no meaningful benefit to their future employment, should probably expect some hard truths from that child when it grows up and can articulate them.

I think children benefit hugely from having educated, inquisitive and fulfilled parents (especially mothers).

You’d be teaching them to think big and be open minded. They’ve a loving, competent father to care for them. You can come home, they can fly out. It’ll be amazing for them. Do it!

My Dad was a seafarer and was away a lot when I was a kid (maybe from 8). Often for much longer periods of time. My older siblings had already left home. Mum and I kind of got our groove and, after a while, I almost resented it when he came back and tried to impose his way on things. But that was after several extended periods away not one. I just kind of got on with it at school. I don't really remember school time when Dad was and wasn't there.

It might be fine. It might be quite traumatic for them. I don't think it would benefit them in any way, except indirectly if it makes you more employable. I think you want everyone to tell you that it will be fine, but the truth is that nobody knows.

You think it will be good for a seven and four year old to have their mum leave them for three months, popping back in for the odd weekend with a suntan?

Really?

I hope you’re either a troll or being sarcastic. Because the alternative is just depressing.

I would , maybe that’s selfish but iv done similar for much less periods of time but still. A man wouldn’t hesitate at all

Absolutely do it. What an incredible example to set your kids about being adventurous and taking opportunities with both hands