To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

This. With great big massive bells on.

I couldn't do it, they are only 7 and 4, not a hope would I leave them for that long. Teenagers maybe but 3 and a half months, it payoff would not be worth it for me.

So if you left In Sep, you would not be back till almost Christmas? That is an eternity to a child.

I think you should go for it, it will be tough but it's such a great opportunity. Face time is a wonderful invention for situations like this!

I've only read the OP's posts.

Given that you've said you can visit every other w/e, that they have an excellent relationship with their father, and that you co-parent very well, I think I would go for it.

When do you need to decide?

I couldn't do it personally, I would miss dd too much and be miserable. How would the kids feel about it?

Absolutely this. It’s not a choice between being a mummy martyr or abandoning all parenting for months and going to another country. Bloody hell!

No - I wouldn't. I think there is too little value in the placement and you have too much to lose in terms of damaging relationship with your children. You are their main carer at the moment and they are still v v young.

I doubt very much there will be a benefit to you in terms of job / career. Getting a degree is just the first step to a successful career in law and I am sure there will be future opportunities for placements etc.

Sounds like a great opportunity and experience. I guess for me it would depend on where, somewhere in Europe that's relatively "commutable", so you can come home once a month - I'd do it. Going to Australia with no realistic way to come home during the 3 months, bigger decision- so probably not.
You need to decide what's best for you and your DC in the long term, maybe it's worth it? And like you say, they have their father there so it's not like you're abandoning them.

! I would probably fly home every other weekend to see them.

Im intrigued that you are talking about a university placement abroad with free accommodation and you will have enough money as a single parent to afford flights home every other weekend?!

I think you should go for it, particularly as you have 50/50 coparenting now and you will be visiting regularly. It sounds like a great opportunity to experience a different country and study somewhere else. Clearly you are not using it to have a jaunt or carefree student jolly - there is nothing wrong with you taking an enriching opportunity for yourself.

Some people will always judge you and believe that once you have e children you must throw yourself onto the altar of motherhood and if not you’re a bad mother or something, but my firm belief is it’s about balance. You don’t have to sacrifice everything for your kids, it’s not three years, it’s three months.

By ‘real mum’ I meant I’m struggling to believe this is a real person, as no one I know IRL would ever consider this. I know a few women at the very top of their careers that have had to travel a lot to the detriment of their dc but they would never consider a 3 month holiday!

I think people are forgetting the fact I would be coming home eow.. So let's say they have 2 weeks without me at a time (which they would).. do you still think the same? This is an honest question.

As a lawyer (senior now as quite old) I would say this is less likely then you think that it will actually give you a competitive advantage. It will just be something nice t to talk about rather than relevant experience.

I would put all my energy into vac schemes and training contract applications at firms where you want to work. Will be hugely helpful for you for your ex to have your kids over the vac schemes and interviews as they have evening stuff you will need to go to and could be all over the UK.

if you go to a big city firm they often relocate junior lawyers and will pay huge amounts of support and uplift, so if you want to live abroad for a bit I would do it that way.

good luck OP. Law as a junior can be a tough place!

The OP would probably be having EOW contact (as well as possibly holiday visits and other contact), and also speaking to her DC regularly. Many separated parents living a 10 minute drive from their children do less! Seems a bit unfair to accuse her of 'abandoning' parenting...

Home EOW, absolutely go for it!

Yes, I personally wouldn’t leave my children for that long and I wouldn’t be willing to only see them every other weekend.

Have you properly costed up the flights? Plus that would mean entire weekends where your study is completely halted, that would have an impact on assignments.

I would do it in your circumstances, absolutely.

I don't know OP. 3 months is a really long time when you are a kid. My DH worked away for a similar length of time when my eldest was 4. It was a great financial opportunity and we were already used to him being away 1-2 weeks at a time, so we thought it would be totally fine. The reality was quite different and it did unsettle my DD quite a bit. She was regularly upset while he was away and became really clingy to me, and struggled to get her bond back with my DH when he came back. With hindsight, we wouldn't do it again.

Having said that, he was too far away to come back and forth. If you can pop back for weekends now and again, and maybe they can come out to visit then it might be easier for them to cope with.

I'm not saying don't go - but just don't go into this thinking that 3 months isn't that long and that your kids will be totally fine with their dad. There is every chance that they will find it a big adjustment and struggle while you are away, so just factor that into your decision and decide whether the benefits you will get from the trip will outweigh the downsides, and work out how you can minimise the disruption for the kids.

@Howshouldibehave I've just had a quick look on sky scanner and flights are £50 the Spain.. ? Flights don't cost a lot, especially at the minute and especially in Feb/March when I'd be going.

I wouldn’t. And as a lawyer it won’t bring anything to your career as it’s a different jurisdiction.

This, for me. Will it help your career in anyway or just for fun?

Definitely go in that case. Some non resident parents only see their kids eow all the time - not that I'm saying that's fantastic or would like that but for such 3 months? do it!

I think it's fine. Many dads only have EOW/holiday contact with their children throughout their entire childhoods but are still viewed as being good and involved fathers.

Honestly, I think what you're seeing here is that a bunch of us thinking it's absolutely fine and to go for it, others think not a chance in hell. The only thing that matters is whether it works for you. It sounds like it totally does, even more so if you're coming back eow (once a month would be plenty I'd say), so trust yourself and stick with your decision. People saying otherwise will only amplifying the guilt we lug around as mothers, which is what's giving you a wobble. But you clearly want to do it and it's totally doable with your set-up, so make the decision and stick with it. If you go and you hate it, no one will force you to stay anyway. Most likely though it'll go in a flash and you'll be too busy and stimulated to give all this should I/shouldn't I wrangling another thought.

No, I wouldn't. My children would miss me terribly and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself when I knew my children would be suffering like that. If it were absolutely necessary for my job and the upkeep of the family, then perhaps, but not just for the fun of it, as seems to be the case here.