To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

You might never get an opportunity like this again! I would definitely go

your kids will be with their dad and they will be fine

Yes, as once you've factored in travel time, driving to/from airports, delays etc. you won't actually be home for very long at all.

How much quality time are you actually going to get with your DC when you're flying to/from Europe EOW?

I have 2 weeks left of a 3 month trip abroad away from my DDs (age 10 and 13). I've also travelled a lot for work over the years but mostly short trips.

This longer trip has worked OK because

• i'm in a european country, only a 2 hour flight from home


• the DC came out to me with DH for 2 weeks in the middle of the trip


• we have zoom calls every night and lots of whatsapps in between


• my kids are older and used to me being away

Despite all this, it is still hard. I miss the little things and the cuddles and they do too. I couldn't have left them for so long at at younger age.

If you can pull your DC out of school without awful consequences (i.e. they'd probably get back to the same school later), then I'd seriously consider having them with you for your stay abroad (or at least a decent chunk of it). Or make sure you can schedule enough visits home. But I think 3 months without a cuddle from mum is a long time for a 4 year old.

Exactly.
Most men would not be overthinking this in terms of parental 'duty'.

If this is a career-enhancer, go for it OP. Your career is about helping your DC as well as you. Take advantage of your ex's generosity & willingness to step up!

I’d do it, absolutely fine.

in fact, I’m looking into a role at the moment that is in Europe. My DC would stay here in the U.K.

^^This is a really good point.

Also, three months might go quickly for you, but they won't for your DC who are both incredibly young. You might find that fleeting trips home make it even harder for them, and they'll be unsettled after you leave. If you're currently the primary carer this is an enormous change for little children to manage, and from what it sounds, it wouldn't actually be of any discernible benefit other than to give you a fun experience?

I wouldn't be impressed if a non-resident parent did this, or 50/50 parents, let along a primary carer. It's a HUGE change for little children.

Probably worth a disclaimer here that my dad left to go overseas when I was little ( a bit older than your eldest). He came back regularly, but not every couple of weeks. So I'm biased as I remember being that little girl and I can remember how sad I was, and how hard I found it. I wouldn't ever put my kids through that kind of experience unless it's absolutely essential - and this isn't.

The only other thing I'd caution is that although your co-parenting relationship is great right now, what if things change? You're weakening your position hugely by leaving your children in your ex's sole care. You're essentially proving that you're not necessary to their wellbeing. If things ever get acrimonious - and these things do change in a blink of an eye as posts on here prove! - you'll have shot yourself in the foot slightly.

You sound like you've made up your mind though really, so I think you're just looking for people to give you "permission" and to say it's OK.

I wouldn’t.
I think my children would be unhappy with it so that would make it unenjoyable and pointless.
My husband worked away for four months before we had children and that was really hard. Being away from my small children for that long would be horrendous.

I wouldn't because in law; it won't add to your career - European law would be a different jurisdiction.

Also because I studied abroad and it was good but hard, I definitely wouldn't have been able to fly home EOW, some of my modules were in Spanish.

Unless you’re going to another common law country (eg Oz, Nz, Canada) or plan on becoming an international lawyer in The Hague this will not in any way make you more marketable in obtaining a training contract. What subjects would you be studying? (City solicitor here).

it would be fun though, and if you had no kids I’d say go for it. But your children are tiny. I had to leave my 2 year old for three weeks due to a family illness and bereavement and it took months for our relationship to recover. He wouldn’t even look at me when I returned.

Not a chance. I’ve got a work trip for two nights that will be hard enough.

Assuming that this does not mean moving school for your DC, then do it.

What a great opportunity to role model to your girls that women can be mothers and pursue their interests. Sounds like you have a good arrangement with your co-parent, you'll be able to return regularly for visits and you can keep in touch through video calls.
I'd take the opportunity if I were you

Go!

It isn't reasonable nor unreasonable, it's a choice. One which only you can make, because it is your girls who will miss and only you know how well they can cope without you, and also only you know if you will be happy away from them. I'm not sure why you're asking mumsnet, other people aren't you and don't know your girls.

I would. It's great your ex is supportive and that he's a good parent to the kids. This is an amazing opportunity for you and as you say, the children will be with someone who loves them.
It really sounds to me like your gut is saying yes but you're holding back because you are conscious that a mother isn't 'supposed' to leave her kids in this way - that is, your hesitation is coming from external pressures rather than what you actually feel and know. If the sexes were reversed it would be less of a big deal. You're doing something for yourself but which is also likely to benefit them if it helps your career, so go, make the most of it all.

In fairness, if this was suggested on here, most of MN would be ripping into the dad for the idea and "abandoning" his children - but because this is a mother the response is very, very different. I doubt there would be any support at all for a dad to disappear for three months on a non-essential business trip, just because he wanted the experience.....

God, you can spot the snowflake generation here.

Posters who can't envisage any time away from their kids and using words like 'traumatised' for the children. That's quite shameful and OTT.

You also can't predict that children will be upset. You say your kids would miss you. You have no proof of that AT ALL. And missing someone, or coping with something different, builds resilience. Something a lot of posters here don't have.

DH and I left our DCs with grandparents and had holidays alone when they are young (under 7) and they didn't miss us at all.

And the internet didn't exist then. Or mobile phones.

OP this is part of your personal development. You will be a more rounded person and a better role model for your DCs.

If you live to your 90s, ( quite possible for people who are young now) your kids will have a lot of time with you.

what's 14 weeks out of almost 100 years?

Completely agree. The children would be with their father, not Mrs Trunchball fgs!

Most men would not be overthinking this in terms of parental 'duty'.

Mine would. I agree though that society has very low expectations of fathers in general.

I think that pointing out that deployed mothers have to do this, is a red herrinng. Their kids will have been used to it as a way of life for as long as they can remember, and not expect any different. OP's seven year old already has an expectation of how her parents fit into her life, so it'll be a much harder adjustment.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, OP. I don't actually have an opinion because it depends so much on the personalities of every person involved (when mine were that age, one of my DDs would probably have been chill about it, the other would have struggled mightily, even though she was a daddy's girl)

I wouldn't do it, but I also wouldn't judge you if you did.

Just be prepared for your family, friends and random strangers to condemn you.

Do it
Don't listen to the no sayers here
This is a once in a life time opportunity
The kids will miss you but they will be with their dad.
Its not like you leave them at home by themselves haha
Talk to them though. Like explain what s cool opportunity this if for you. They'll be in awe. You'll be setting an example.

What an incredible way to spin the fact that you’re leaving your four year old for three months for entirely selfish reasons and almost make it sound like it’s all for them!

It is not a career enhancement though. It’s not an amazing opportunity in terms of OP career.

I also think you’re being too optimistic @elbigbx regarding flying back to the UK EOW. I don’t know how far from the nearest airport do you live in the uk and how far the European campus is form the other airport, but you might find it’s too much commuting.

Yes, flights can be dirty cheap but it’s still time consuming- you need to get there two hrs before, the duration of the flight itself and then getting to and from the airport. All this for spending merely 48 hrs in the UK.

I’ve done it when I was 21, I’m 29 now and I wouldn’t do it even though I haven’t got kids.

I just couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. And I LOVE traveling, but studying abroad is quite different than going their for leisure.

Men do it all the time and Women who are deployed do it all the time. If this opportunity is going to enhance you and your children's future

It isn't going to enhance anyone's future

I would raise an eyebrow at a man doing the same thing in this situation.

Also, just because a man does something, that doesn't automatically mean it is a good thing to do or that one should seek to emulate their behaviour.

The question is not 'do men do this?' but 'is this really in the best interests of my family?'

I work in law. There seem to be semi-regular opportunities to be seconded abroad. I don't think the mentality of 'I'll never have this opportunity again!' is helpful.

I would be looking at how to create similar opportunities in future with my children, personally. It might take a bit more planning, but it's doable.

OP, I also question how much studying you could get done if you were flying back home every other weekend. You'd have to study like a demon during the week to keep your weekends free - and then how could you properly engage with the local culture?