To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

This is not work, though. This is 24/7 away from the children for over three months which is an eternity for children that age. This is incomparable to working 6 days a week or long Mon-Fri hours.
This is a purely an optional experience at the cost to her children. If it was a work trip my response would be very different. This is something purely for OP's pleasure and personal enrichment. This isn't a career vs children thing this is a personal fun vs children situation.

Seconded. Experience abroad can be a selling point at a later stage (eg a trainee seat) but at this level it just sounds like a jolly. If you want experience that will help you get a job, look at summer schemes in the jurisdiction you actually want to work in.

This is not to say you shouldn't do it- it's your choice. But if you're trying to weigh up pros and cons, make sure you have a realistic view of what they are.

This is, essentially, you wanting to have a carefree, no responsibilties bit of student life, isn't it? It won't enhance your degree or your work chances in future and might damage your children (for the real reasons outlined by others).

I'd say a 'dream' worth pursuing when you have children is to study for the degree in thr first place but wanting what is really a study holiday abroad is pushing that concept.

I'm assuming the two small children were your choice to have and weren't forced on you? Then put them first until the time arrives when they're old enough and you can leave them for the extended period abroad.

@JanisMoplin - I haven't called anyone a 'real Mum' - what on earth are you banging on about?

Absolutely no way. My mother went on study scholarships abroad for several months at a time (ranging from 3 months to 8 months). It was very traumatic for me and I’ve never forgiven her for it. I think I have a life long fear of abandonment stemming from that too. Don’t - just don’t.

I would. You're not going to get this chance again.

Your kids have two involved parents and they will probably love the chance to spend more time with their dad and develop their relationship. Also, you'll be able to facetime them daily, see them relatively frequently (many separated parents do EOW) and presumably they may be able to fly out for half terms/holidays and have fun exploring wherever you are. It will be a change for them, but they will be looked after by a caring, loving parent and it's only for a short time.

I agree entirely with your second point, that leaving the children with their dad is no issue.

But this isn’t for a work placement, it’s literally a term spent in another university and just studying there instead of here. So no help for the CV or for work experience. That’s not necessarily a reason not to do it, but it makes a difference to the decision making process.

There's a fairly expansive middle ground between "sitting at home and baking cookies" and "fucking off to a different country for three months on a totally non essential trip", although I imagine you know that already.

This. A term studying abroad adds nothing employability wise unless it's in a foreign language and giving you language fluency to a professional level.

its offered by universities as a way to attract students because its fun, not because its academically adding anything.

Law firm partner here - it will add nothing to your career

But time to mess around on a forum on a working day?

Not sure how seriously I'd take your advice.

My mum used to go away for work for long periods for work (in the 1970s, when most mums didn't). So did my best friend's mum (probably egged on by mine). We barely noticed TBH. If your DDs are being left with a loving parent (which they are), then I'd say go for it.

I'm a lawyer, have interviewed many graduates, spent a full academic year abroad and have a 7 year old now.

I wouldn't do it. It will add nothing to general employability as a lawyer. It would only enhance it if, eg you were going to come back fluent in French, Dutch or German and wanted to practice competition law (as most claims are brought in jurisdictions speaking those languages), and even that is a bit of a stretch.

I enjoyed my year abroad, but I did gain an additional diploma (in the law of that country) and in a year my language skills developed a lot. It would be fun to go for three months, but it would really just be a jolly/experience for you.

Personally I couldn't leave my 7 year old now. She gets upset when I go on short business trips. Without kids I'd say go without a backwards glance.

You say it is now or never but actually a lot of larger firms offer training seats abroad. At least then you would be being paid and could take them and pay for childcare or have the funds to fly them out or whatever.

Your ex is supportive, you will be seeing them every 2 weeks - go for it!

I would do this in a heartbeat!

I travelled lots for work when my DDs were younger, I am a single parent and they would stay with my mum and dad. I would facetime them to show them my hotel room and bring back gifts they requested, etc and made it a very positive experience all round.

They are young teens now and think I had the most glamorous career ever and also believe in my strength. It's fabulous role modelling and the kids are totally fine if you approach this as a positive.

Regardless of whether or not it is a career move, this opportunity won't arise again and you have the benefit of a decent parent in your exH. Don't lose out by being a martyr to your children, they need a strong positive and fearless mum and their dad sounds like a great safety net whilst you are away.

I’m a lawyer and I did similar for a year and it was a fantastic experience. However I was 21 with no kids. As I think you acknowledge, it will make no difference to your career. I wouldn’t leave my kids for 3 1/2 months for essentially a jolly. I do think that is selfish I’m afraid.

I think that's a long time to be away from your children through choice. And I don't think it would help your career

If you go, and end up coming home every weekend, that seems like the worst of both worlds anyway

The option of taking the children with you seems attractive, to give them an opportunity to widen their horizons. But, that might be at the expense of their relationship with their father

This is why you should go. They will be with their dad.

I don't think it will damage your children if you present it right. You will be able to stay in touch and they are with a parent. There are many families where one parent works away for stretches of time.

I am not clear though on why you want to go. Is this a reliving your youth, want a change, need for adventure type thing?

I don't really see it as being that advantageous to you professionally because it is much better to build those connections and references and networks in the area where you want to live and work. It could disadvantage you in a way if you don't have the same connections as your colleagues who did their placements close to home.

Really, it is up to you and your ex. You are the two people who need to make this decision and both be on the same page about it.

I’d recommend Belgium for training and it’s well regarded if you can get access to the European Parliamentary work

Sad to say, UK students are no longer eligible to do a stage in any of the EU institutions.

I would Do this option!! That benefits the whole family. I wouldn't care about a 7 year olds schooling for 3 months, that's easily covered. Who would look after them during the day? How good is your co parenting with ex? Would he come over to visit a couple weeks at a time?

@StepAwayFromGoogling you haven't. The poster you quoted did. I was responding to the entire quote. But never mind, I think I have banged on enough on this thread. Just annoys me that so many people can't concieve of a different life to the one they lead.

I have been going on solo jaunts by myself since DC were 3 months and they appear to not care. My DH worked away for a while because it was a global recession and we had no option. It is the reality for many families and helped us pay down our mortgage.

Op, I wouldn't post on here any more. AIBU has very medieval notions of what a real life mother should be, and you will get a lot of vitriol for not sitting at home and baking cookies, while weeping resentful tears about your mommy sacrifices. It absolutely is "role model parenting" to finish a law degree while single parenting. I have a law degree and only just managed with no kids.

I don’t think MN does at all, the opposite in fact. I’m certainly not in favour of mummy martyrs and roll my eyes as much as the next Mnetter at people who make their whole identity ‘mothering’ however there are levels of acceptable when it comes to selfish parenting and leaving a child as young as 4 for 3 months really crosses a line! 3 months is a very long time in a young child’s life. It could be very damaging. It would be hard to do if you had no choice for work (I know lots of military families that have to) but purely for your own ‘experience’? Ridiculous.

Free accommodation-how on earth does that work?! Which university is it!? How about the cost of flights? Tuition?

If it were to enhance your chances of getting a job at a fabulous law firm, I might think it was worth it, but if it’s just studying abroad doing an undergraduate degree, I wouldn’t. I know too many people with law degrees who didn’t pursue it.

If I was 19 with no kids, yes. Not with kids-I wouldn’t want to be apart from them for that long.

Not in a million years. My own dad did this for work (entirely voluntary) when I was little (divorced parents, shared custody) and it devastated me that he was happy to go so far for so long without seeing us. Of course I didn’t show that so anyone else would have said I was fine with it but of course I bloody wasn’t! Sorry but I’m baffled by the idea of a parent who trots off and doesn’t see their kids for months on end when they have choice over the matter. Either they won’t be ok without you or they will - not sure what would be worse to me tbh!

I would go for it!
If you have a good relationship with their Dad and you can pop back a few times , 3 months isn't that long.
I had to go away for 8 weeks when mine were small with work.
I found it hard and so did they at times.
Now I'm proud that I did it as it helped me get on in my career.