To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Did your mum ever leave you for months? just wondering...you seem quite convinced that looking after your own needs usurps a childs.

It depends on a number of factors. If you could easily travel home for weekends (say, every other weekend), then yes. How close are they with their dad, ie, do they spend just as much time with him as you? However, it's a big chunk of their life and if you are the primary carer for them, and leaving them for 3 months might fly by for you, but for them, will feel like an eternity and is likely to have an impact.
It's not quite the same as somebody on tour with the forces as in those cases, it is generally not the primary cater going away.

No, it’s not about the effects on children. OP wanted an overall assessment of her situation -the children are part of that situation. The effects are also how it would affect her studies, her career, getting a job, her ex, finances, availability of flights, tiredness, etc. There are lots of things to consider, the children being just one of them.

@Solonge

Crikey! Your kids need to get a life! Surely other stuff has happened in their life since then

Yes it is, if that thing is detrimental to your dependent young children.

I wish you well whatever you decide but I wouldn’t, not with a four year-old. I might have had more of a dilemma if it were for a work placement or an additional qualification. (I take the point that the separation is the same but, from what I hear, the law jobs market can be ferocious.) However this appears to be a study placement and, while that can be a great experience with many benefits, it sounds like the main gain to you would be in so-called ‘soft skills’ - adaptability, resilience, confidence etc etc which, as a single parent and student, you surely already have in spades.

And I disagree that this kind of thing only comes around once in a lifetime. I think life is always throwing up unexpected challenges and opportunities - that’s the beauty of it.

The point is you could plausibly argue something that benefits OP’s career is better for the kids in the long term if it secures a better standard of living, and you think that outweighs the shorter term pain. This is all pain for the children with no benefit for them whatsoever, the only person benefiting is the OP having an adventure and a break from responsibilities.

@DucklingDaisy But its not detrimental to them as they will be well loved and cared for with their father! Who they clearly have a good relationship because he already does an equal amount of caring for them!

Jeez...its something they remember!!!! Im a nurse and a childrens nurse and things like this do imprint on a childs memory. They will remember unhappiness often more strongly than happy times. If you are happy to walk away from your kids for three and a half months...I wonder why have kids....why not just borrow other peoples when you feel like being a bit maternal.

It obviously is, though. Most small children are going to be upset if their mum, who’re they’re used to spending half their time with, goes away for 3.5 months. That’s ages for a small child.

@DucklingDaisy

Theyll get over it

OP might not get over it though if she misses up on this opportunity and could feel resentment

@Solonge

“I wonder why people have kids if they aren’t going to revolve their entire life around them and put their own needs and wants on the back burner for ever more” is basically what you’re saying.

I went into parenthood thinking something very different - that my kids needs and wants will be balanced against my own, neither of us is more important or deserving than the other. So sometimes they get what they want and sometimes I get what I want. Simple. In this instance if Op is a loving and caring mum who achieves this balence well she would absolutely go abroad for a couple of months.

I know my style of parenting would blow some mumsnetters minds and they see me as a bad parent - selfish, immature and self indulgent - but I really don’t care as I’m happy 😃

You’re expecting a four year old to work through and manage their emotions but not a fully grown woman?

This is getting silly now. The small kids will get over being left for 3.5 months but the parent won’t get over not doing a study abroad term as part of her degree?

Do it! It is an amazing opportunity that is 12 short weeks. I think I would probably take them with me as I would hate the thought of being away from them but they would probably prefer to be home with their dad so it would be for my own selfish reasons. I would love to have the opportunity and outlook to follow through on this. Good ĺuck with it x

@DucklingDaisy

yes. Op might not get the opportunity ever again

Daisypond.

I get what you're saying about the post asking for consideration of the whole situation: kids, finances, ex, tiredness. To really think these through, we need more info about the ex. The likelihood is, at his probable age, he'll have relationship (s), and will probably end up inviting his new partner to stay over at the OP's house, or else, how will he have sex with his lover and see her, if he's supervising the kids every evening? Over 3.5 months a fledgling relationship can get more serious, so OP might find children are introduced to Daddy's new partner sooner than they had previously talked about, and then there'll be the issue of this, added to Mum being away. I don't think there is anything wrong with this possibility, not at all, people can work stuff out, but Dad is not going to be a delicate martyr while Mum lives the Loca Vida at an Italian uni, or whatever. But it's a complexity you need to think about in advance and recognise that this trip impacts a lot of lives in the inter-connected community which is them - even grandparents might have to do more, which might be arduous, if one of them has angina and they need to drive over a lot.

It could be Dad is partner in a small business and can't shoulder some of the responsibility because of childcare duties, and other partner starts to resent it, and they split as co-directors sooner than they would have done. 3.5 months is a long time. If the players involved in this are rich, then childcare will be available and helpful, but if they can only draw on family help and paid childcare at times, then a lot falls on him, and I don't think they could do it, if this were the case. Actually, I get a feeling, because OP is confident it could work, that there's leeway built into this set-up, and he is probably the less career-orientated. I say this, as I don't think he would have the kids 50 per cent of the time if he couldn't get them to school easily - he doesn't live near to school. It would be pointless to have them weekday evenings, if he returns home at 8pm, and leaves at 6am for work, and Nanny drives them to school: they might as well just see him at weekends.

It's all about practicalities and whether the ego boost of realising you can study in Italian/Spanish/ German and mixing with like minds, is really a genuine gain in terms of your own spiritual growth.

Celibate martyr

@Diverseopinions

Wow you’ve got a good imagination 😂

Yeah of course. It's not about the amount of time you see children its about the quality. Video calls,normal calls... Send presents and postcards. Make it fun. As long as they have a loving parent there go be the best version of themselves. What would you want them to do in your situation. If you can improve future prospects in this crazy life. That ultimately brings stability and security for them.

LuckySantangelo35

I have got s good imagination!!

I think some outcomes will affect OP too. There's a Spanish saying, according to Agatha Christie - what Pilar says in 'Hercule Poirot's Christmas'. 'The devil says take what you want and pay for it.'
It could equally be the angels who say it, but conclusively, you can have your fun and blossoming of the super-ego, but, on your return, expect to find in your home: ex's girlfriend's dog might have been living there; MIL has been and introduced lots of new routines; the dynamics feel different to you.

These are just the practical stuff, which can be sorted and accommodated, we're only talking irritation. I'm not a child psychologist so I don't know about trauma, but I'm 100 per cent sure OP will research this and speak to an expert, before she makes a decision, because she comes across as a switched-on as well as caring person.

This depends on where you go. I can see German law being beneficial in business law and the same for US but if it wonr add value to your career and is simply the chance to be child free for 3 months and travel, maybe you need to think about your priorities

I'm also surprised at the quality video calls one can apparently have with a 4-year-old.

I had quite a few video calls with young children during lockdown. Generally, I found they didn't work well at all.

I teach at a RG uni and every one of our undergraduates has this opportunity either to do a study term abroad or a study year abroad. I've had students go to places like South Korea, Sweden, US, all over. The vast majority of students do not do a study abroad degree, for lots of reasons, mostly money (almost none get a bursary) or just not wanting to study in a different country. We host students studying for one term in our uni too, I have about one per 40 students. So it is not typical for most students at all, even when given the opportunity, it's just an extra offered and mostly taken up by the wealthier or more adventurous students who want a new cultural experience.

It's quite different than a work placement, which ours can do for a short few weeks or even now a whole year both in the UK and internationally. That massively boosts their career profile and those students tend to be the most career-oriented and find it easier to secure jobs on graduating, having worked in HR or engineering in different countries, or done a law assistant placement, makes a huge difference.

This is not some highly unusual once in a lifetime opportunity, most students are offered the opportunity to study abroad and most don't go, for many reasons! The Op isn't some poor hard-done-by person who isn't getting what everyone else is getting because she's a mother. A work placement would be much more valuable, as has been said many times on this thread, even if it were down the road!

This 👆