To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

it is quite long so i think sitting down with the father and the kids and gather their opinions on it first.

i dont think its unreasonable but it is an option to go so far in the world away from the kids..

The OP is basically suggesting a three month jolly, which is not necessary for her career. It would be fun for her, but would inevitably have a negative impact on her very young children. It’s ultimately selfish. When you have children, they have to come first. Children are dependent on their parents/primary carers, physically and emotionally. If putting them first means leaving them for long periods out of necessity for providing the best possible life for them, then that is what has to be done. I don’t think anyone sensible would argue that it is ideal. But it is definitely not ok for a primary carer to disappear for months when it is not necessary. I am quite stunned by how self-centred so many posters here are.

@PurpleCatLady

oh hello mummy Martyr!

OP, mummy Marty’s on here…They are outraged that you are not sacrificing all your own wants and needs! That is what they do and on some level resent it so are projecting onto you with all this fear based stuff designed to guilt you into submission e.g your kids won’t want to live with you when you’re back, their dad will want to look after them full time and deny you access, etc etc.

it’s BOLLOCkS!

Women, you do not always have to come last just cos you have kids! The greatest gift you can give your kids is your own happiness

I think arguing that the DD's won't want to live with her when she is back is really borrowing trouble where none exists.
So is the pp who made up a whole imaginary family for the OP's ex-husband, including a mythical older child ( if I am reading right?)

Yes, I think the posters who think it fine have either not really read the thread and think it will be an "amazing opportunity" that will further OP's career or (if they understand that it is just a three to four month jolly) they are pretty selfish themselves.

That is quite a long time, but you're leaving them with their own dad, not some random. I'm assuming their dad lives near the school and they see him at weekends on their own, so no major disruption to their lives? You can also skype to keep in touch. Sounds like it could be a good opportunity for you, and a good opportunity for them to spend more time with their dad.

Don't understand why people are being so negative. If they've got their heads around dad moving out, surely they can get their heads around mum being away for a few months?

Selfish is a word that has no meaning IMO, despite it being used ad nauseum on MN to mean " It is not what I would do.".

What is selfish for one family might not be selfish for another, depending on various factors. There is no one method of parenting. Millions of people think controlled crying is fine; another set of millions think anything other than co-sleeping is selfish.

It’s not martyrdom, it’s being a responsible adult.

Did the OP ever come back and explain how the accommodation at whatever foreign university she went to would be free?!

How does that work?!

Most families would be unable to do things like this (especially single parents where money is tight) because they couldn’t pay the mortgage/rent at home as well as the accommodation at university. Plus finding the money for flights. The OP said the accommodation would be free and she could use the maintenance loan for food and presumably the flights home every other weekend? Is free accommodation usual on placements like this??

@dianthus101 @PurpleCatLady

I don’t know why you’re saying selfish that is some massive slur.

what’s wrong with being selfish sometimes?

most of us are for time to time unless you’re a complete Martyr and as such probs v unhappy

OP is more than entitled to put her needs/wants first sometimes especially considering that the children’s needs and wants will be met by their father whilst she is away.

Go!!! Go go go go. It’s such a short period of time and in the long run it’s amazing for your girls too. My parents worked away when I was a kid and were able to give me a great childhood and made me proud of them.

My dad did this when we were young. (5, 2, one on the way). I don't think we or my mum ever felt it was the wrong choice and he was not able to come back during it. He enabled my mum to have a similar experience later on.

Some opportunities in life only come once.

Only you know your family set-up and how you would all cope.

It's a bit laughable to argue that thinking it's selfish to leave your young child for three and a half months just so you can go on what is effectively a holiday is an example of "privilege". The boy in my DCs class who cried every day when his mother had to go back to her country for a few months didn’t seem to be fine despite not being white. At least he knew she had to go though and it wasn't just doing it to enjoy herself.

@PurpleCatLady

nah it is being a martyr not to mention booooooring!

I think some of these comments stem from not being able to see the value in spending time abroad. A lot of mumsnetters are like that- they think nowhere is as good as the UK

I think as you're in an ideal situation of 50/50 co parenting and it sounds as if your dc are close to both parents, and you are going to come home now and daily FaceTiming is possible, I can't see how this would be detrimental on your dc.

If you alternate having the dc on a weekly basis, then your dc will only miss out on around 7 weeks of living with you.

If you do decide to go, perhaps arrange for their dad to be the resident parent for the week before you go so that they are settled with their dad?

If DH had announced he was going on a 3 month holiday when DS was little I wouldn’t have been too impressed.

we had a long distance relationship when we started to go out with each other, only seeing each other at weekends and he also occasionally travelled abroad for work. But we both agreed that once DC came along that would stop as not fair on me as a mum and the DC. DH would have hated time away from DC too

I hear you on this, but I think this may not happen in OP's case because her DD already used to 50-50. Plus, if it does, she can just come back at once, as she said.
Anyway I need to go away and stop posting because I am clearly too invested in this thread:) Stopping now.

Also not in direct response to your OP, but possibly relevant giving your training as a lawyer?

Although you're not doing it for career purposes, having something that not all candidates will have may well give you extra reference points to use in interviews and may give you an edge in a highly competitive job market.

My anecdotal evidence ( as someone in a profession who has worked 2-3 days per week since having dc for the last 16 years) is from my own experience ( the 3 out of 30 mums in the school parent group who have been able to work part time - if they wanted to - and remain completely financially independent were professionals - dr, solicitor, teacher), being in a comparatively high earning profession as a mum is fab!!!!

It tends to allow part time working (much more so than being a high earning mum in the corporate world where part time work is often seems more difficult to negotiate) with lots of time with DC and complete financial independence from DH/ DP whether a single parent or not.

I was swaying towards no but once I realised you are back every 2nd weekend, I changed my opinion! 100% go for it, amazing opportunity & kids will be safe with their dad

Trust me, I think the UK is one of the worst places to live, largely because of our appalling, turbo-charged neo-liberal government. I also think it’s quite shocking that putting your children’s needs above your own desires is being so roundly vilified here. It’s beginning to make sense to me now why so many children seem to be presenting with developmental and emotional issues these days. If so many parents are buying into all this marketed, Tory-esque crap about needing to put themselves first all time - no wonder their kids are suffering.

There seems also to be a lack of subtlety in people’s thinking. You don’t have to be a martyr to be a good parent. Everyone needs to have some time for their own well-being - that makes you a better parent. But you don’t take that time at the unnecessary expense of your kids. Pretty simple really. I’m sure the OP is already spending a lot of time away from her girls just by studying, and rightly so - it’s good for her, it will be good for them when she qualifies. But there has to be a balance, and unnecessarily disappearing for three months tips that balance. Surely it’s not that difficult to understand.

Worrying about the potential impact leaving your young children for over three months, while you essentially have a holiday, will have is bboooooorrrinnngggg?

The issue here is, we don’t know if it will traumatise the kids or cause lasting abandonment issues. It’s a definite risk. You only find out by doing the trip and risking actually doing the damage.

To me, it’s not worth the risk.
Sorry for being booorrrinnnggg

Oh and I’m someone who has traveled a fair amount and lived abroad.
It taught me that no where in the world is worth risking my young children’s feelings of security for.

Eh? I’d say most in MN think the U.K. isn’t all that great. And anyway, this isn’t to do with that. There may be value in spending time abroad perhaps - as part of a job. I lived abroad for years. But going as a student, without it being part of a language degree, has little value education-wise or career-wise. In a personal capacity, that’s different. But the OP could go and do an intensive language course or cooking course abroad or whatever and it would be of more value. As pp said, the fact that some universities offer this isn’t to do with the course, or that the university thinks it’s worthwhile, it’s a means of attracting students who like the sound of it. If the OP was straight out of school doing this course as an 18-year-old, it might -but probably wouldn’t- be different. What exactly would the OP be studying? Exactly the same modules as taught in the U.K.? Or something very different or unrelated? If something different, then she’ll have big gaps in her knowledge, which doesn’t bode well for the future.

I know someone whose son went to study in the US for a year, as offered by his university. He did all the same classes and exams that the US students did. That sort of course would be OK. But he was doing a humanities course -I think English -so a course in Romantic poets there would be much the same as one here. Law is different because it’s different around the world.

You don't have to be a martyr to be a good parent but a balance is needed when children are very young. That stage doesn’t last for long and a parent that puts their own needs almost entirely before them is not a good parent. OP has only been a parent for seven years and only has her children 50% of the time. Going on what is effectively a long holiday when she has had plenty of childfree time to do the things she wants is not an example of balance.

Sorry @PurpleCatLady I didn't mean to quote you!