To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

I was going to say no way.... no. But thinking about it, men do this kind of thing all the time. Kids cope with parents who are posted off to war zones or work abroad or work really long hours and hardly ever see their dads. I say go for it as long as you know they are safe with their dad. You can FaceTime them and visit them and it will fly by. 3 months seems like a long time but they will adjust and it will be fine.

There seems also to be a lack of subtlety in people’s thinking. You don’t have to be a martyr to be a good parent. Everyone needs to have some time for their own well-being - that makes you a better parent. But you don’t take that time at the unnecessary expense of your kids. Pretty simple really. I’m sure the OP is already spending a lot of time away from her girls just by studying, and rightly so - it’s good for her, it will be good for them when she qualifies. But there has to be a balance, and unnecessarily disappearing for three months tips that balance. Surely it’s not that difficult to understand.

Agree with this 100%.

Also, none of the 'go for it!' crowd have commented on how flying back to the UK every other weekend might affect the OP's studies. It seems to me that constant travel would actually be detrimental to the OP's ultimate aim, which is presumably to graduate with the best grades possible and forge a career in law. When I was studying, I used to travel to another city eow because of a relationship. However, in the run up to exams, that would stop. Also if I had a big piece of work due, I wouldn't travel.

As for the pp asking 'what's wrong with being selfish?' I don't think that being selfish has ever been seen as a desirable trait in either mothers or fathers.

How would it work going to do a course in a different country. What would you learn for those three months? What are the people back in the UK learning-would you miss out? Would the teaching be in English? If not, are your language skills good enough to do complex law in eg German? Would you be learning about eg German law and missing out teaching about English law?

w

JanisMoplin.

I suggested that there might be girlfriends and even an older child, when I was hypothesising about the Dad's situation. I don't know; none of us know; we haven't been told; but it's likely that that there are the complexities which exist for most people - who'd feature in this scenario: eg, people who have young children/ are in their twenties/thirties/early forties. That's why I can see that a more stable proposition, might be care provided by retired grandparents, young but out of the career and dating stage. But obviously, OP will have her own network and can't magic up carers, but a combination of grandparents and kids' dad would sound most optimum.

The dad is more likely to be a rounded real character with a girlfriend or, by the time OP travels, new girlfriend; a relationship to keep on track; work demands. He'll have to really think about practicalities. OP says that he would be moving out of his own home for 3.5 months. Don't know what he'll do about the existing place. Does he have a full-on job, or is he a part-time guitar teacher who gigs, who can go back home during the day and meet up with his, let's speculate, sculptor girlfriend there, while the kids are in school? Or, as he doesn't normally live near the school, OP says, can we assume - since he has the girls 50/50 - that he has a full-time nanny to help. Perhaps OP also has a full-time, live-in nanny to help and to do all the breakfasts, school-runs, after-school care, until the parents get home at 7pm? If the second scenario is true, then a considered evaluation of whether it's good to take up this work opportunity, would include thoughts on how good the childcare is and whether it is likely to continue over the year. I think that Mum going on a trip just as one nanny leaves and a new one starts would be a lot of change. I think asking whether the nanny thinks the children will cope, will be helpful.

The answer to the post depends on lots of variables as well as the constants ( the love and the devoted care) which these fortunate children are blessed with.

Yes. I would fly back to visit in those three months though, even if just for the weekend.

Go for it, your life doesn't stop because you have children. Do it and make them proud! Dad will do a great job.
It is an investment for all your futures. Xx

It isn't, though. The OP has told us it's just the same degree, but taught in a sister university for 3.5 months and other lawyers have commented that it won't enhance her job prospects.

She's basically leaving the kids with their Dad while she goes off and plays at being a single undergraduate, but abroad.

No way would I leave my young children for that long, they would be really upset and I would feel awful. That’s a very long time to children of that age and I would hate to think that they felt abandoned by me.

If the children have a wonderful relationship with their dad, I think it’s an amazing opportunity for you .

I met a lady from Singapore who is a Surgeon and she is in the UK for a year working and has left her husband and 2 children behind. They are being cared for as well as she can do it .
There are many ways to keep in contact .

if you were a father I don’t expect you would have written this . Let’s give our men folk the credibility that they can also be both parents at times like we have too .

Its a fabulous opportunity and this is for your children future too .

All the very best with your decision and please don’t take onboard any negativity .

It is not an amazing opportunity. Have you read the thread? Your example is of someone who is very well paid working abroad. The OP will not be working at all. It is not a job. It is not even a work placement.

I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement

Does your university have sister universities all around the world? All running exactly the same course in English law? How strange.

but you’d be doing the course in French etc??

growsndhope.

Thank you for your post, earlier. Glad you liked the ideas. I don't want to say what I do for a job, in case, combined with other information, it would be outing. I enjoy my work and it involves expertise, but isn't high-powered nor senior. I think about things, away from work, and so put ideas together. ( I think MN is a great forum for learning and growing, and hoping, most of the time!)

If the father is happy, and you want to do it. Go for it.

it is no different to those in the armed forces who leave for 6 months at a time.

Children are not there to stop your life or career. They will understand, maybe not now, but in the future!

it is no different to those in the armed forces who leave for 6 months at a time.

It is very different. Those people are going because it is their job. This isn’t.

The reason may be different. The effect is exactly the same.

@PurpleCatLady

I agree with you that Parents shouldn’t put themselves first ALL the time, but some of the time is just fine! And that’s what this scenario is.

OP taking 3.5 months to do something for herself.

3.5 months out of years and years of parenting and you think that’s unreasonable and selfish?! Says more about you than her tbh

@daisypond Doing something cos you enjoy it is no less valid than doing something because you have to!

No, the effect is different. Those working abroad get paid for their efforts and it may enhance their career.

@GrinAndVomit

PIOUS!

Schools get additional funding for service children, this is to provide additional pastoral support, and not just for when their parent is deployed to a war zone.

Pious would be talking about a weekend away.
Not a three month holiday.

Surely thats only relevant if they have exactly the same relationship with their mother as their father?

@EdgeOfACoin

You can be selfish sometimes! Man or woman, parent or not!

What a miserable life if everyone else’s needs/wants come before yours 100%

Not a life I’d want. And not what many would want either given that lots of people agree with me on this thread

I thought this thread was about the effect on children of leaving them for three months? You do love moving the goalposts, don’t you? Career progression and financial gain are irrelevant.

Life doesnt stop when you have children.....but surely you take into account how it feels to be four and for your mum to disappear for 16 plus weeks! frankly I would be truly worried about the kids having problems in future with separation anxiety. If you go away for a week most kids are pretty pissed, upset and hurt on your return that you could leave them. Mine still remember being left for a week once...when they were really small....they are in their forties and still bring it up.