To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

I’d do it. Sounds like a great opportunity.

That's true, but MN double standards don't mean the OP would be wrong to go

I wouldn’t - as a lawyer myself it won’t make much difference in you securing a job and your DC are too little - something to do if you’re young and footloose and fancy free. Sorry

Nope, I think it's quite selfish tbh. They are only little and it's not as tho it's essential for your degree.

What's the longest you've been away from them before? You probably won't know until it comes to it to be honest. I had to do work trips when mine were similar ages, but only for five nights at the longest, to the US. My youngest struggled in the build up, but everyone was fine when I was gone and they were in their routine. It was hardest on me to be honest, and I wouldn't have wanted to be away two weeks at a time for months. But you may be fine, and working abroad is a great opportunity. I would try and take them too if there's any uni childcare there. You could try going away for a week or two without them and see how you all feel about it, but I expect it'll be quite difficult for such a long time. School may hold the place if it's only a few months and you're definitely coming back? Good luck! I try not to avoid things I might regret - always find a way to give it a go if you can!

It would be more helpful for your future studies and legal career if you secured a work placement wherever you are living now. I would not take any notice of a work placement abroad as the law would be completely different.

I think it's great that you have such a good co-parenting situation with their Dad that he is all for it. 3 months is nothing. With modern technology they will see your face every day. It's how the situation is framed to your girls that will matter. If your family talk about it positively, then it will be fine. If they were all going to rubbish it - and you - to the children, it would be a completely different situation.

Sounds like a wonderful experience for you, and a plus for Dad to spend more time with his children too. Win win.

I'm feeling that, more important than future prospects, is the question of how the practicalities are lying, in a few months time, when the opportunity to travel actually presents.

Most of us, I'd wager, or those of the age to have young kids, have sex/have romance/ have partners, so if Dad has a relationship now and it were to continue, and his partner were to move moved in, by the time of this trip, it may be another factor to weigh in - whether she'd like to move in to OP house for the 3.5 month period, also .

If Cupid arranges it for Dad to experience shorter- term relationships, and he is wont to be both dining out and having sex, whilst OP is doing the parenting - he'll have to work in some day-time romance, that's if he doesn't work full-time, or some childcare, to give him a chance to keep his new romance going . So again, from this point of view, and the 'his getting jaded' point of view, it's all about the practicalities, of whether his parents, if he has them, or OP's parents, can help out, move in, pick some entertaining duties.
If he lives with an older child whom he had before the girls came along, that is another factor to weigh in. Factoring in is important, and also building into the planning some kind of flexibility and wiggle room, in case unexpected events occur, during the 3.5 months. If OP needed to abandon study experience because of one of these potential unforeseen events, would it reflect badly on her? If yes, then don't do the trip,, I'd say, as you need to factor in the ability to change your mind and come home early. Ultimately, there must always be the capacity to put the children first in the unlikely event of that 'things going wrong', unlikely but not to discounted outcome.

If this is a ex- couple scenario, in which OP and children's father had once lived together, but now, do not, then any changes to living arrangements and relationship status, would have happened, most likely, within the last four years ( the lifetime of the youngest), even less - two years maybe I'd be thinking it might be work asking a child expert about the impact of another quite big change in the lives of the girls. Maybe , this isn't an ex-partners context, but a co-parenting context which hasn't ever involved the living together experience. I'd think a context in which Dad has been the less committed in his career, and the more hands- on of the two parents, would make the stay abroad most smooth, especially if family members around to help with child entertaining. But, I'd say, don't frame all this as a women's equality issue, but instead frame it as a project which needs a lot of strategic planning.

It’s only 3.5 months and you’ll see them when you can. It will be difficult but it’ll be fine.
my dad went away for 2 years to better the family life when I was aged 8.5. Siblings 6, 4, 2….it was tough on all. Mum held the fort (with celotape on everything until dad returned home and fixed Lol) they were financially better off and happier because they could afford a car etc,
were we worse off, NO. We missed dad but you have to do what you have to do.
As a mum you beat yourself up over everything you haven’t achieved but actually look at what you have and what you’re trying to achieve for you and your family. DO IT!

If it was a job and solid work experience as part of your degree, I'd go for it.

But just studying somewhere else for a few months? Probably not.

It is far too long for children of that age.

If you were their father, not their mother and had to make the same decision, what would you do?

Just because men do something does not mean that it is the right thing to do. Maybe there should be more pressure on men to think long and hard before travelling away for work for extended periods of time.

A lot of posters seem to be jumping to the conclusion that 'men do it, therefore you should do it'.

Why are decisions traditionally taken by men (leaving young children for extended periods) automatically seen as superior to those traditionally taken by women (staying with young children)? I'm not sure that assuming that men always have it right is a particularly feminist attitude!

And before I am written off as a tradwife or whatever, I work full-time and have an 8 month old. So I get the importance of having a career.

It’s not about you it’s about your children
how would they cope without seeing you for that length of time? My children would have been devastated

My Husband has been away for work for long periods, so long as you know that your relywill be maintained there is nothing wrong with this.

you’ll need to be organised and approach it so that there are no surprises but take every opportunity that comes your way, your children will cope.

Relationship will be maintained (by your ex)

How could you even consider it

Have to agree with this. Your needs/wants should come second. Children first in my house.

That is a long time in the life of a four year old and a seven year old. You know them better than we do though.

Sorry haven't read the thread but no absolutely a terrible idea, mainly because this is a bogus opportunity which will add nothing to your career subsequently. it's just one of the many many marketing tools used by the less popular unis to lure young students in. Possibly it might be worth leaving the DC for a real opportunity which had substance, but this is a gimmick.

I can see this thread is filling up fast! Based on some of these responses, people assume any profession which involves days and weeks away from home are occupied by childless people and men!

Your children will admire you for the example you are setting. You have a supportive ex/father to your children, a rarity on MN it seems.

3 months will go by in a heartbeat and you will be working your a$$ off.

Go on, OP! Don't miss this chance, it may never come again.

This does really raise really interesting questions of what is viewed as acceptable when it comes to parental duties and self development.

For eg if your place of work ( or university) had offices (collaborations with other universities) in say Wales or N Ireland or Scotland (ie the U.K.) & you could ostensibly do your job or period of study there, would people feel it acceptable to say they wanted to go & do it in one of those different locations, taking them away from their children, for several months, purely for the experience?

The chance to pursue the job/course would offer no tangible benefit to the person’s employability, salary potential or career progression, nor is it a requirement of the job/course, (where for eg you have no choice but to go).

It is an interesting question. Of course situations, illness, losses, caring duties, jobs, house moves take people away from their children, for periods of time. Done mainly, however out of having no other alternative. Or an understanding that that is what the job/career/role entails.

I think what makes this so interesting is how acceptable it is to hand parenting duties over to one sole parent, to pursue something that isn’t considered essential & benefits only the self.

It’s interesting hearing PPs saying that personal development, doesn’t benefit only the self, & is just as valid as career development. That leaving your kids in order to achieve that is really acceptable.

What about then say being given the chance of a career break (as is possible in the NHS) or a sabbatical from your job for a period of months, where the job is still yours on you return?

Would the benefits derived from the experiences of say going to learn a skill or pursue a hobby like yoga in India, DJ’ing in Ibiza or painting in Provence make you a better parent, individual, role model to your kids? That leaving them to be parented by one parent, to pursue these goals, for an external period of time, would warrant that?

It’s really interesting. Maybe parenting & it’s practises are changing. Especially with the divorce rate so high. It begs the question of why am I required if the other parent can do it all, when a wonderful opportunity is offered to me to pursue.

Can it be studying at a sister university if you can pick anywhere in the world?

Either way, I say go for it, if it's going to advance your experience, give you an edge, the girls are young and will unlikely remember, and dad is ready and willing to help - the internet has made the world a lot smaller.

It’s not a work placement at all. There are no work placements on offer, either in the U.K. or abroad.

I wouldn’t go. They’ll see scant enough of you as it is once you qualify and are working FT.

Interesting question. I also had the same opportunity as a mature student, albeit with only one child who was 4 at the time. I didn't pursue it because I didn't want to leave her and for me it was just a nice chance to study abroad. It would've been amazing (a friend did it, and it was!) But I had other responsibilities so that was that for me.

Only you can decide whether it is a viable option for yourself, really