To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

This thread has been so popular and is interesting in the myriad of different perspectives it introduces, and the relevance it has to all of us.

Now I know the OP has touched base to say that she has lots to go on, and is thinking over all the different views, I'm interested in the other angles. I'm fascinated by how posters are filling in the gaps in their imagination to round out this mystery character, the Dad, whom we only know for sure as a person:

'open' to talking about the plan
a dad who co-parents smoothly
A dad who is adored by the girls.

Various posters stating and all of us assuming that he is highly capable, loving; very keen to facilitate contact with mum using Skype, etc. We're assuming he's the ex-partner and not a co-parent who chose to have kids with OP, but not necessarily ever been with her. We do know that he doesn't live near the school, but is going to move into OP home.
I wonder what being out of your own home for 3.5 months would be like. I wonder which days he used to do, if not living near school, and whether he works at home or in an office, or doesn't work at all. I wonder if he has parents and siblings to help him share the child entertaining. I wonder if he'll want OP to take over parenting on her eow's home - or if she'll be shattered and want him to stick around. I wonder if they both have full-time nannies. So strange which questions people ask when trying to imagine it all, and which aspects they take for granted!

Why is working in Europe for 3 months such an amazing opportunity? It’s not like you secured a placement with thr best lawfirm in Paris let’s say. Given the state of most airports and airlines atm, I wouldn’t be so sure you will fly back every second weekend. Honestly I am all for women going for it but I don’t see how this is a life or career changing opportunity. I have small children that age and I think it’s far too young. I couldn’t do it.

Yes why not? They are equally parented by the both of you. You can visit, they can visit perhaps, there is FaceTime and they are old enough to understand where you are and that you are coming back.

If you were their father I doubt you’d think more than twice. There won’t be any real equality until parenting is really shared - this is really sharing it.

I hope you go for it, I bet they’ll enjoy being with Dad, appreciate you all the more when you get home, and when they are older will be proud of the example you set them.

Absolutely not but then I'd never put career before kids. No matter how you deal with it they will have a deep sense of abandonment that they will carry for life. And when you return they might want to stay with dad.

Because it could look like you’re just fannying around on a long holiday while “studying”. The OP can study here, properly. Unless she can come back fluent in German, for example, it’s a waste of time and might look like she can’t prioritise properly- nothing to do with having children at all - and is dodging serious work.

I’m sorry but there’s no way I’d leave my children for that long at that age, wouldn’t want to and would refuse to even if it were a requirement of my course. I wouldn’t expect their father to contemplate it either. They’re too young and it’s too long and it’s not fair on them.

dh worked away for 2-3 weeks in every 4 throughout dc’s childhood. Only stopped because if the pandemic

I think you should go if you are sure your ex would give them back after
Also if you can FaceTime each evening and come back every so often and maybe add in a trip for them to see you for a week.

i think it will be much harder on you than them
Children are very adaptable and if they know you will be reading them a bed time story or having a chat with them each evening then it won’t seem so long without you

You seem to have a good coparenting relationship with their father so it’s not as though you will be leaving them with someone who won’t look after them.

I thought, also, that studying a law module in another country means that they’ll have one fewer module of British law so will actually be less experienced than other candidates.
I know very little about law though so I’m happy to be corrected.

Some of the posters on here should be ashamed of themselves.
There are an unprecedented amount of passive-agressive and judgmental comments by the halo-wearing 😇mob.
The OP is obviously not an uncaring, career- obsessed mother as she would not have asked in the first place.
Let’s try not to completely destroy her in the process of helping her - please.

Wow. You should take up writing fiction. Oh, but you just did …

I've known various families where the dad worked away for periods. It worked because the parents displayed the attitude that it was a normal/positive thing and the children accepted that.

I think not only will your daughters be fine, but they will also get a positive role model - that women are more than just mums. And I say that as a SAHM!

You'll probably miss them, but we all have negative moments, and if you can show them that you miss them but are getting on with what you need to do, they can learn from that, too.

I wouldn't because I would feel like I was missing out on a fraction of their tiny lives.

Do it! This is not only for your future prospects but theirs too.

Do it, you'll never have the chance to do it again. Posters here are so weird

This isn’t a good enough reason to leave small children for that long imo. If you’d got a hard to secure placement with a top firm or something, but this isn’t that. It’s something you do for fun if you’re footloose and fancy free and don’t have other commitments. You have kids. You can’t just be selfish. I think you’re being urged on by women who fantasise about being able to take a break from family life, and people are really playing down the impact it could have on your kids because they like the idea they could theoretically do the same.

Only you can decide. I wouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

This post is utterly crackers and goes against every single experience I have had in my professional life. International study is always valued, always

I would not. That is a very long period of time at their age. If you can go anywhere, go somewhere near to home so you can still be with them.

Don’t be ridiculous. Unless you are doing a language degree, studying abroad for a short time at a foreign university is more or less pointless and many employers might look askance at it.

Oh do pull the other one. If a MNnetter posted to say her ex was going abroad on a non essential trip for Uni and leaving her to do 100% of the parenting for over three months there would be absolute uproar. Words like "entitled arsehole" and "selfish prick" would be flung around like nobody's business, and rightly so.

OP you sound like a very committed and capable mum who is in no way not considering the needs of her children whatever decision you come to - and to own your own house and be pursuing law studies is a great achievement - personally it sounds like 3 months with their dad seeing you eow would be perfectly reasonable- challenging but doable - as a pp said for women in the services this can be a regular occurrence and children adapt - look at what families coped with during the pandemic. Whatever you decide you are doing great.

I feel like I should say "yes" but given your update that it's not a work placement but just studying elsewhere (I think perhaps answers are skewed based on this incorrect info), I don't think I could or would if it were me. It's just not worth it.

YANBU! Do it! Woohoo!

I'm really surprised by the number saying they wouldn't. The children have a second parent. 3 months would fly by. If you're in Europe it's quick to fly back for weekends...and you can FaceTime daily.