To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

3 months isn't too long. If you are in Europe and you can visit them every other weekend or so they will be fine. Lots of video calls. And will be great for them to spend time with their dad

They are not paying another university money

How do you know? I didn’t mention money anyway, investment can be in a number of forms other than money. The admin alone carries a cost.

So I think your children will be fine, they are far more resilient to this sort of thing than we give them credit and you and your ex-partner will know best about their ability to cope so unless you have some reservations, this is probably not the main issue.

So it’s more about your own feelings and you really missing them but if you are going to get back home every other weekend then my advice would be, it’s only 14 weeks and will fly in, and it could be a game changer for you and your future prospects which in turn, is better for your kids.

good luck whatever you decide.

The admin won't be a huge cost. If it increases the takeup on the course they will get that back in fees.

How come you’re such an expert on this @dianthus101? You seem very invested in coercing @elbigbx not to do it.

I wouldn’t. I think it’s just too long. I know it’s a fantastic opportunity, but I couldn’t leave my child for that period of time, I think it would have a really negative impact.

Go for it !!!
they will be with their Dad
he is looking forward to it
and sounds like a great opportunity for you

would a man have to ask his peer group for permission to go??
no way he wouldn’t !!

Pot, have you met kettle?

Universities don’t do anything unless it’s going to make them money.

I would rather cut of my own arm. Plenty of people do it, military etc. and I wouldn’t judge you for it but personally I couldn’t. I have worked abroad and loved it so I know what a bit sacrifice it would be too.

Ok. Just read your update. I wouldn't go just to experience other cultures. You can wait until they are a bit older for that.

Oh look, another expert @GrinAndVomit.

That was exactly my thought.

No. That's a really, really long time at those ages. I don't think it's fair. The younger one in particular is too young to really get it and will feel abandoned.

If you're happy to do it OP and you're comfortable with them staying with their dad for 3 months you should absolutely do it. It's a great opportunity.

The amount of misogyny on this thread. Saying things about OP you would never say to a father in the same position.

I wish someone would the post everyone on here is speculating about…
”My ex is planning on doing a university module abroad for three months. We have 2 daughters together aged 7 and 4. We share custody 50:50. The course is not compulsory and seemingly it won’t add much, if anything, to his work prospects on graduation.
Is it reasonable for him to leave me alone to parent the girls for three months while he “experiences another culture?”’

If you’re their primary carer then yes, yabu.

If you’re not then go for it. I think they’re too young to understand why their primary caregiver suddenly isn’t there anymore for such a long period of time.

The problem is that you may miss them terribly, while they will be happy and settled with their dad. I had the same experience, except that it was only 2 months, but in Japan. 30 years ago, before the internet and zoom. I arrived after a long flight and stood in my room, looking out onto a wet Tokyo night, and the most awful feeling of bereavement and "what have i done?" came over me. Just as well I didn't know that their father (out of work, free rein of my bank account and credit card for living expenses), was telling DC that my plane might crash and they might never see their mum again. Bastard. He also bought everyone top-of-the-range electronic equipment, including himself, leaving me with a huge bill. He had sworn that he would do everything right, and my parents said they'd oversee things. Neither did as they said. Punishing me for "leaving them". It was a huge honour to have been chosen for the scholarship, and made an enormous difference to my career, opening so many doors, but things were never the same again. Very different for you and yours with a responsible and caring father, though. I'd do it, if I were you, because it's so much more difficult later in life, and opportunities just might never arise again, Carpe diem!

I think you should go for it! It’s 14 weeks out of their life. They’ll be with their father who you trust and wants to care for them. You’ll FaceTime them every day.

Honestly, they’ll be fine and it’s a great opportunity for you.

I wouldn’t be able to do this as I would miss them too much.

@GrinAndVomit I’m sure posters would say it will be a nice bonding time for mum, as they are saying it will be for the dad in OP’s situation! Or will they say he is taking the piss!

This is absolutely true. Friend of ours, a woman took a job in Spain for six months and left toddler with his Dad, her ex. They had shared custody. She never got the lad back. Dad refused to hand him over, little boy seemed super happy with Dad and he kept him . He now has custody and she sees him every other weekend. Lad would be about eleven now.

Jealousy and/or projection I expect. God forbid a woman might want to do something for themselves after having children, when it won't disadvantage the children whatsoever. The horror. Meanwhile plenty of parents work away from home for periods, not sure what studying is that different in reality, sounds like a brilliant opportunity.

I say go for it. Your girls will be safe with a loving parent who they already have a fantastic relationship with. It's only 3 months. There are plenty of women in the military who have to leave their children for lengths of time. At the end of the day it's how you feel about leaving them. I personally wouldn't want to but I certainly wouldn't condemn someone else for doing it. Its a good opportunity!

Neither myself or my husband would ever contemplate leaving our children for that long. I just couldn't do it. My children would be heartbroken too.