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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave children for 3 and a half months?

1000 replies

elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:44

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

OP posts:
bluesapphire48 · 17/06/2022 19:34

If it’s for your job or career, it’s a legitimate reason IMHO. If your ex is willing to take them, and he will take good care of them ( as you have indicated), then you’re lucky. You are not doing it for selfish reasons, but so you can support them better. It’s a necessary step these days. Go for it, and Good Luck!

Cashewwws · 17/06/2022 19:36

Yes I would go. It’s only 3 months and if it’ll make a difference to your future with your children then I think you should x

Reallyreallyborednow · 17/06/2022 19:36

She’s not going for work. She’s going for a three month holiday

no, it’s a uni placement.

i know many people have said it will make no difference to her career, but a placement abroad may make the difference between getting a job or not, if two candidates are otherwise equal.

Artwodeetoo · 17/06/2022 19:37

All that matters is you, the children and their father- the opinions of judgemental strangers aren't important. If your ex is on board, you know the girls will be happy with him which sounds like they will be, you'd be okay being away then go for it. As you say it's not an opportunity you will get again. They will be safe, with someone that loves them and you'll see them regularly. It will fly by anyway.

MrsMarshmellow · 17/06/2022 19:40

What a wonderful opportunity and it’s great your ex is so supportive. It sounds like you’ll be able to make frequent visits back home and it’s so easy to stay in touch these days. Push that open door…your kids will be fine. Do it! I have 3 DCs 10, 7, 5yoa and a very demanding job climbing up the ranks and often absent (my choice and I’m comfortable with that). I’m still there for them one way or another and they know that, they are well adjusted. We have a good support network and good engagement with the school, who are also very supportive. I often check in with my eldest if she feels I should cut back on work but she says ‘no way!’ and actually had a lovely conversation about female role models and career development, promotion etc. She said sometimes she missed me but loved the opportunity to be with her (very capable) dad when I’m not around.

dianthus101 · 17/06/2022 19:42

Reallyreallyborednow · 17/06/2022 19:36

She’s not going for work. She’s going for a three month holiday

no, it’s a uni placement.

i know many people have said it will make no difference to her career, but a placement abroad may make the difference between getting a job or not, if two candidates are otherwise equal.

Many lawyers have said that it will make no difference.

dianthus101 · 17/06/2022 19:43

bluesapphire48 · 17/06/2022 19:34

If it’s for your job or career, it’s a legitimate reason IMHO. If your ex is willing to take them, and he will take good care of them ( as you have indicated), then you’re lucky. You are not doing it for selfish reasons, but so you can support them better. It’s a necessary step these days. Go for it, and Good Luck!

It isn't for her job or career. It is for entirely selfish reasons.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 17/06/2022 19:44

Haven't read all the thread, but I just wanted to give a child's perspective of sorts.

When I was 5 and my Mum was pregnant with my Dsis she had quite a lot of problems - my DSis being a pita even then, stopped growing, and as this was quite a while ago, how they resolved it was to admit her for the rest of the pregnancy, approximately 4 months, so she could have daily x-rays and check-ups. I stayed with my Nan too far away to visit, so didn't see her the entire time. I don't have any bad memories. TBH I barely remember it, and it's never impacted on my relationship with my Mum (we're very close)

I don't think 3.5 months will harm you, your girls or your relationship. Go for it. I'll even give a throwback, retro YOLO. Enjoy.

Hairyfairy01 · 17/06/2022 19:44

No, I wouldn't. It's not essential for your course and I bet a lot don't go aboard for it.

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2022 19:44

Many lawyers have said that it will make no difference

Why does the university invest in it then?

daisypond · 17/06/2022 19:44

i know many people have said it will make no difference to her career, but a placement abroad may make the difference between getting a job or not, if two candidates are otherwise equal.

Make the difference which way? I think it’d be more likely to work against you.

Tangled123 · 17/06/2022 19:46

If it was a work placement I would say go for it as the experience will be invaluable, but I don’t think it’s worth moving away from the kids to study.
My dad went to France for work what I was about 4 and I remember very little from that time. The kids will be fine if you do go though.

jewishmum · 17/06/2022 19:46

I'd miss my children too much to leave them for that long.

vincettenoir · 17/06/2022 19:47

If they were under 3 I think it would be a bad move but I think you can make this work.

Redshell1976 · 17/06/2022 19:47

I think it’s a great opportunity for you and even better if dad is willing to have them while you are away. Of course you will miss them, but I think they will be old enough to understand and there is always video messaging etc. You only live once. Go for it!

dianthus101 · 17/06/2022 19:47

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2022 19:44

Many lawyers have said that it will make no difference

Why does the university invest in it then?

The university aren't investing in it. The students will be paying. Lots of courses offer this as it can makes the course more appealing to some students and improves take up of places.

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2022 19:48

I think it’d be more likely to work against you

How does that work?

Mrsphilipseymourhoffman · 17/06/2022 19:48

I think in this instance I'd say no. It's not essential and won't benefit your future prospects. It might benefit you personally in experiencing a new culture etc but it would be at a cost to your kids which as a parent I wouldn't think worth it personally. And id say this if you were male too. 3 weeks maybe. 3 months no. 3 months is a long time in a kids life. Even with you coming back every other weekend which I'm not sure is realistic anyway.

I knew a child whose mum had to go away for work for three months abroad. She and her mum found it incredibly hard - and it was a once in a lifetime job. Like an absolutely incredible job. The mum had worked away before but she said this was just too long.

Incidentally my neice has just finished a study year in Sweden. She's in her twenties with only a boyfriend back home. No kids. Gregarious and sociable. She found the first couple of months very hard. She was lonely and homesick. She loved it in the end but I just wanted to mention as its not always a straightforward amazing experience and if you add in missing your children and mum guilt, it may not be all you have in your head in reality.

I don't think you should give up your dreams when you have kids but i do think they come first and then the dreams need to be adapted around them. But thats my personal belief.

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2022 19:49

The university aren't investing in it.

Of course it’s investing in it. Unless the fairies are dropping in to facilitate it.

Upwiththelark76 · 17/06/2022 19:49

Nope . Couldn’t leave my
kids. End of

JanisMoplin · 17/06/2022 19:51

Across the world, international students go overseas to study. The UK is full of international students from India and China who come here at age 18! But of course, the OP, who has already shown considerable grit, will be homesick when she goes for 3 months with trips back every 15 days!

WinnieTheWinsomeWitch · 17/06/2022 19:52

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2022 19:44

Many lawyers have said that it will make no difference

Why does the university invest in it then?

It offers 18 year old undergrads a chance to expand their horizons, have some fun and get something onto an otherwise blank CV, in the hope it helps them stand out a bit when applying for entry level jobs. It won’t do anything for a mature student like the OP who presumably has a work history already, so has a head start. It won’t improve her degree classification, and could in fact harm it if the study in another country is harder than anticipated, or there’s a language barrier for some parts of the course or accessing support services.

Icapturethecast1e · 17/06/2022 19:52

I'd do it if it could help in securing a better job after your degree. It would also give you a chance to experience living abroad independently. My husband has been away for over 4 months, the kids can't even be bothered to talk to him on the phone. They don't really miss him much.

dianthus101 · 17/06/2022 19:54

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2022 19:49

The university aren't investing in it.

Of course it’s investing in it. Unless the fairies are dropping in to facilitate it.

They are not paying another university money. They will be exchanging students with a partner university. They do it to increase the appeal of the course.

MrsOk · 17/06/2022 19:54

In my opinion, I would say go for it without having any regrets. It’s not like you are leaving them for a total stranger to look after (it’s their dad) and from what you have implied, he’ll be bloody good at it.

You are going to see them often enough in your trips back as well and most likely video call them every single day you are away. You don’t want to think back 15 years from now wishing you took the opportunity when you had the chance and you didn’t.

As a previous poster said, if you were a man, what would your decision be? Remember you’ve got to take care of your needs and be happy to give your kids the happy home they deserve. Your going on this trip might be the encouragement they need in the future to follow their dreams. And you have the perfect opportunity here, so grab it by the horn and have a blast. Wish you the best whatever you decide. X

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