To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Do it! 14 weeks is no time at all in the grand scheme of things.

And don't just do it because you can justify that it will make you more employable, increase your long-term wage prospects blah blah blah; do it because you want to and because you deserve to

Like someone else said, it will be good bonding time for dad; and it will be exciting for the kids when you visit and maybe they can visit you and see new things.

Go for it! 😀

How much would your degree be enhanced by experience of working in Europe? Wouldn't you encounter language problems? Would it make you more employable? If so, I would do it. It sounds very expensive to fly back every two weeks but if you can afford to do that why not? Your ex sounds helpful and if the DCs are happy with him I would go ahead. Once your children are grown, you will need a life of your own and if this will help, go for it. Be warned though, that universities often make encouraging noises about these opportunities but if they aren't helping with placements you might find it difficult to find one.

Do it. With technology now you can speak to them every evening. Also get home for a couple of trips. I spent weeks at a time working abroad or in different parts of this country. My three boys managed fine.

If it's what you want and their father is supportive, go for it.
My partner is in the military and away for 75% of the year. No one questions his love for or loyalty to his children. Only mother's get judged for wanting a fulfilling life alongside children.

I read the answers and wonder if people are urging someone to do what they arent capable of making reality.

Firstly, no one can predict the effect on the children. Its a lived experience that will impact. Thats like knowing the risks of a dangerous sport as MOST people are ok but then ending up being hurt. You know theres a chance but cant predict. Would i risk that on my children - no way!

Then theres the idea to come back each fortnight. Sounds do-able. Reality is the cheap flights are not usually for weekends. Its tiring. Children will want the whole you, not the shattered being you will represent. What happens if you cant get a flight? Area locked down? You get ill? How will the children feel? Dont expect their understanding, they havent developed that yet. Worse still, what if one gets ill and you cant get back straight away? This is happening right now with european flights etc.

Children are little for such a short time. The investment you put in them will reward you back a thousand times over. They wont thank you for being a high earner lawyer. I know plenty of well off kids who dont see their parents. They have everything they want - except their parents time and attention.

Compromise i guess is taking them with you. Then ex flys over regularly. School will always there and the life experience will be shared. Please dont put school in front of your childrens needs.

If they're your everything, how could you possibly contemplate leaving them for that length of time? I literally couldn't do it.

OP, I don't think you should do this. I think your priority should be being there for your DC. I would see it differently if this was a placement that was essential for you to qualify for your chosen career, but this is not essential. (For the same reason, I don't think comparisons with parents away on military duties are valid. ) If it was your DC's Dad wanting to up and leave for 3 months in the same circumstances, I would also think he was being selfish.

Fucking hell. I hope your kids appreciate the sacrifice.

OP says EOW is an option. If she couldn't afford it, I'm assuming she would've stated that it isn't an option.

Though I do think the point others have made that EOW may be difficult to fit in due to studying which is something I'd definitely take on board if I was OP and see if it was actually realistic based on the expected work load.

I absolutely wouldn't. I don't think it would increase your employability or your future salary, and I wouldn't leave such small children for that length of time even if it did.

Personally I couldn’t do this as I don’t feel my children would cope and it would be too upsetting, however only you know your children.
It sounds like a great opportunity and I can see why you are so keen to do it. If your ex is happy to have them and your children understand and are happy with that and the combination of you returning regularly I think they will be fine! Most of Europe you could be home the same day if anything happened.

Parents make sacrifices all the time...why the shock?

Unless it's close enough that in an emergency you can get home quick and you can visit half way I would say I'd not go. Its an optional extra on your course and as great as it sounds you have 2 kids and unfortunately I think if the choice is between being there or not you have a responsibility to be there for your kids. Which is a shame but being a single mum and still getting to do a degree is amazing in itself, well done!
You also have to consider if moving away would make you ahead of the other students who didn't. If the answer is no then 100% wouldn't go.
I'm not a single mum and still probably wouldn't.

My Mum did this and I don't remember being upset or sad. I do remember dad being a bit worserer at cooking or shopping. She did it when I was 8 and then again at 11.

Go for it. And I say that as someone who suffered very badly from separation anxiety as a kid.

Don't emphasize the "mommy-is-leaving" aspect, big up the time they get to spend with daddy and visit every other weekend with some exciting presents 😉 Modern tech will make 3 months seem like nothing.

I would.
my dad worked abroad on the rigs twice for 6month each time when I was 7 and 8.
we totally understood that we needed the money and he would be back. Go for it. Yea

I would go. You are right, you probably won’t get this opportunity again (I studied a semester abroad when I was unmarried and single) and 1. Great life experience 2. Never had same opportunity again.

Your kids will be in good hands, as long as you explain to them you will be back etc I’m sure they will be fine. And you will be too.

Will they have to leave their main/usual home to live with their Dad? If so I think you are asking WAY too much of them. They will miss you every single day (they are girls, they need their mum) And this would be made a LOT worse by not even being in their own house. They are just too little to understand, especially the one who is just starting school. If you are the main caregiver then whatever it is you want to do career-wise, wait for something as impactful as this until they are a lot older. They are only this little once - as adults we think nothing of 3-4 months, but to them it will seem like a year. Don't do it now.

Absolutely go for it - it is a long time so maybe not somewhere too far away - you’ll want to be able to come back for the weekend now and then too.

I personally think this is a wonder opportunity, not just for you, but also for their father and for them to have that extra time together but also you are showing your children not to pass up on opportunities in life.
I feel you can explain to them and speak to them on video call all the time - take videos show them around explain as much as possible - could their dad or someone else bring them to visit you too? Make it exciting and adventurous for them as much as for you?
I feel the key here is including them as much as you can and making sure they know their mummy is still there and is coming home.

I feel that my partner would support me in doing the same if this was ever something that came my way but we would work out lots of visits on both sides. I would probably also cry …..a lot.

its not like you’re asking to go off travelling on a whim … if that were the case I’d be like oh no yeah that’s too long, probably.

I think if you are inclined to do it, go for it. You will be showing your children that you have a career beyond just being mum and you are your own person. For your daughters, you will be a great role model who works and looks after yourself. Yes, there will be challenges and it won’t be easy but it’s a wonderful opportunity. Maybe your children could also visit you!

Maybe chose France or Spain? I’ Wouidnt do
ir unless I Couid pop back a couple of times at least to see the girls.

She’s not going for work. She’s going for a three month holiday.

No way. 3.5 months to you might not seem long, but to a child, it is a much longer period with the perspective of time being relative to your age. More than a quarter of a year to a 4 year old is ages, and will be damaging to your relationship. You say you will be back a lot of weekends, but is that realistically affordable?

Only you can know how you'd feel about leaving them..I've left mine to go on work trips of 2-3 weeks. I think about them a bit but don't have that heartache of missing them that I know some parents do. I look forward to seeing them when I do get back and they're pleased to see me. If you could go somewhere where it was feasible to come home for a long weekend or something every 4 weeks maybe that could be a good middle of the road option.

They will miss you every single day (they are girls, they need their mum)

why?

why do girls need their mum more than boys?

and what do they need that dad can’t provide, in the 3 months she will be away?