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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave children for 3 and a half months?

1000 replies

elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:44

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

OP posts:
whittingtonmum · 17/06/2022 18:38

Go for it

Arou · 17/06/2022 18:41

I hope you go for it!

Snugglemonkey · 17/06/2022 18:43

I couldn't do it. I have spent one night away fom my son twice in his 6 years of life and it didn't feel great either time. That said, perhaps you can and why shouldn't you avail of a great opportunity when you know your children will be well taken care of and you can see them regularly.
I picked YABU, as I had not seen the plan to see them every fortnight, but given that, YABNU. I would think the same regardless of whether a mother or father was the op.

Rowe12 · 17/06/2022 18:43

Do it, just you thinking about it you’ve shown you want to do it, you’ll enjoy the break, great opportunity for you to find yourself again, the kids needs/wants will be met by dad so ignore the comments, you showing willingness and getting a higher education is showing your children what a great parent you are and how to work for your money in the real world. Our children are only little for a while but we still have to have a life and a break.

let dad take the lead, it’s 12/13/14 weeks. It’s not a long time in hind sight. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t. And you can FaceTime/zoom them daily. If I had that level of support I’d be doing it.

Jack80 · 17/06/2022 18:43

I would if you can face time them and away from them too far to fly back and see them and their dad agrees do it

Montypi · 17/06/2022 18:44

I would absolutely do it. Especially as you’ll be seeing them every other weekend. It’s a fantastic opportunity and one you shouldn’t turn down because you have children. My mum went to Australia for 3 months to visit family when I was 5 and my sister was 7, we have no abandonment issues. Do all you can for your career, you’ll be able to support them much better in the future.

Tryingforbabynumberone · 17/06/2022 18:44

I don’t think you are at all to be honest. I think it’s 3 months isn’t a very long time, and it would give them valuable time with their Dad. My Dad worked away for a year at a time and visited very few months. I think it may give you some time to work at your job, and you may regret not taking the offer. If it helps you succeed I say go for it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/06/2022 18:45

Do you actually trust him not to apply for sole residence on the basis that you've left the country?

Autumnterm · 17/06/2022 18:46

Can you take them with you?

Rowe12 · 17/06/2022 18:47

Wow selfish and inconsiderate?!?, I hope the armed forces and other women kids don’t hate them when they’re older because they had a job and put food on the table it’s 3 months not 3 years . Very unsupportive of real working mums

itsakindofmagic · 17/06/2022 18:48

Absolutely do it!
I did something similar but with a nursing course and spent 12 weeks in hospitals in the us and it was the most incredible experience of my life! I had my daughter young so never got to travel freely like most. You won't regret it, if it's an option go to America, certainly if you'll be based on a uni campus. I got to go to all the frat parties etc just like in the movies 😁 good luck! X

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 17/06/2022 18:48

This is not something I have experience of but so long as you are happy that their Dad won't ever try to use this against you, then I'd say Go for it.

Lily4444 · 17/06/2022 18:49

I would say definitely go. Now is actually the best time to go. They’ll obviously miss you in the short term, but at this time in their life they won’t really remember as they’re still young, so don’t feel worried or guilty. Plus it’s really good for them to spend some long-term time with their dad - that’s something not many children get to do.

Tillycat35 · 17/06/2022 18:49

Yes go for it, children are very resilient and as long you speak to them or facetime daily they will adapt, your working towards a better future for you all.

crowisland · 17/06/2022 18:51

If the situation were reversed no one would blink an eye. It’s bound to be an important life experience. If you come back once or twice a month that will create a good routine. Maybe they can come visit you at some point? Do t think twice. Do it! If you do t you are bound to regret it later. Kids are very resilient

dianthus101 · 17/06/2022 18:52

madasawethen · 17/06/2022 18:38

Yes! Go for it! You've worked hard for this.
The time will go by fast.
You can always skype/FaceTime.

she hasn't worked hard for it. It won't help her career. It's just a jolly. The time won't go fast for the children.

Tiddlywinkly · 17/06/2022 18:52

Ok, I'll give you my honest opinion. It's a no from me. I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you want to go and do an entirely optional study placement that will add nothing to your career when you have young school age children. I'm sorry if that's a bit harsh.

dianthus101 · 17/06/2022 18:54

crowisland · 17/06/2022 18:51

If the situation were reversed no one would blink an eye. It’s bound to be an important life experience. If you come back once or twice a month that will create a good routine. Maybe they can come visit you at some point? Do t think twice. Do it! If you do t you are bound to regret it later. Kids are very resilient

Of course they would "blink an eye" She won't be back one or twice a month. Not all kids are resilient and why should they be put in a situation where they need to be unnecessarily.

Liesovertheocean · 17/06/2022 18:56

Absolutely. Go for it. You can fly/train back to see them in that time especially if in Europe. Many people work away from their families from time to time.

crowisland · 17/06/2022 18:57

Oh- and DO NOT take them- their adjustment problems will likely eat up all your energy and you won’t be able to experience the foreign environment

MyotherdogisaMoose · 17/06/2022 18:57

When I was 4 or 5 my Dad had to occasionally go abroad on work trips, only for a week or less. Apparently I became so out-of-character withdrawn that the school called my Mum in (rare in the 1970's!), to ask if anything had changed at home. I've no recollection of that now, 45 years on though, and I've only got your usual selection of hangups and neuroses!

With hindsight I would think it was the attitude of my Mum that caused the changes in me, as she's a very anxious, dependent type of person. I would imagine there was an atmosphere of fear, tension and imminent doom in our home when my Dad was away.

My personal viewpoint - in your position I would not have left my kids, purely as I couldn't feel confident that their Dad (now my ex-husband) would look after them safely and responsibly.

If your children's father is someone you can trust absolutely implicitly with his kids, then why not go? As many say above, he would, if tables turned.

But I'd prepare well in advance by having them start to spend far more time with him, than with you, so it's not such a big change for them.

toomuchlaundry · 17/06/2022 18:59

@crowisland I would feel the same if this was the dad, it’s not work (so not like the armed forces) it’s more like a long holiday with a bit of studying.

EdgeOfACoin · 17/06/2022 18:59

Liesovertheocean · 17/06/2022 18:56

Absolutely. Go for it. You can fly/train back to see them in that time especially if in Europe. Many people work away from their families from time to time.

Yes, but constantly flying back isn't going to help her studies or experience the culture, which is the main reason why she is going.

Mirw · 17/06/2022 19:00

If you decide not to go, please don't do what my mother did and hold it over us when we were teenagers. She was offered the opportunity to go to South America for 3 months. Dad would have been fine with us as grannie lived next door. But she decided not to go. She then cast it up to all of us when we complained about anything when we were teenagers. Not our fault, but it was...

Psychofortruth · 17/06/2022 19:05

I honestly think based on how much you appraise their farther I would be going for it!

this is not just your future but theirs too, you obviously consider him responsible and you coparent!

and you can realistically travel back easily enough!!

its 3 months not 3 years!!!

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