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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave children for 3 and a half months?

1000 replies

elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:44

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

OP posts:
33goingon64 · 17/06/2022 17:45

Have not read whole thread so apologies if this has been said. I would want to be completely sure that their Dad is 100% sure he wouldn't mind you going. If he's anything like some men I know he might say yes now - and then later on have second thoughts and try to dissuade you from going after you have made plans and spent money. Good luck with whatever you decide. I think you should do it.

dawngreen · 17/06/2022 17:47

What ever happened to the internet! Insist on facetime zoom every night if possible. Kids will get to speak to you, and you can relax.

Spanielsarepainless · 17/06/2022 18:02

Do it. Lots of parents have to leave their children for work reasons and your opportunity won't come again. Make sure you have some back-up for your ex, parents, siblings.

Walesscales · 17/06/2022 18:08

Absolutely not. How could anyone consider leaving their children for so long, whatever the reason?!

Reallyreallyborednow · 17/06/2022 18:11

Absolutely not. How could anyone consider leaving their children for so long, whatever the reason?!

people do so all the time. The armed forces for example, those who work on oil rigs or who have research projects abroad.

or were you just meaning women? Because women do those jobs as well.

12 weeks isn’t that long in the scheme of things, and with visits back and forward, facetime etc it’s not like it will be no contact at all.

Ifrozethehoumous · 17/06/2022 18:12

Believe me, if you do this it may well come back and bite you on the bum years later when your kids are adults, particularly if they compare their experiences of being parented to friends or partners. I would think very carefully if you want to avoid being seen by them as having been selfish and inconsiderate.

Supergirl1958 · 17/06/2022 18:22

I assume this is some kind of erasmus type thing. In which case consider pros and cons

Cons being...what if your accommodation is with people you dont get on with. What if your work placement is bad...will the negatives make you miss DC more?

Slutdrop · 17/06/2022 18:23

Abso bloody lutely. You go for it. There's FaceTime nowadays and the time will fly by. Good luck with whatever you decide but I would definitely encourage you to go (and not to feel guilty about doing so)

Longleggedgiraffe · 17/06/2022 18:25

YANBU Assuming all the ducks are in a row with regards to the children’s welfare, go for it. I doubt if your ex would have been soul-searching if the roles were reversed.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 17/06/2022 18:25

Knowing how opportunities like this can be rare and as you said it’s unlikely to present itself again… I’d take the chance!!
if you believe your kids will be safe with dad, 3 and a half months isn’t too long as opposed to three and a half years!!! It will be worth it in the end. Good luck

shivermetimbers77 · 17/06/2022 18:26

I wouldn’t do it. My dad worked away for similar periods when I was about that age and it felt like a lifetime. 12 weeks seem short to an adult but is a long time for a 4 year old to be away from one of their primary attachment figures .

RachaelN · 17/06/2022 18:27

Go for it. Video calls everyday if possible. Chase your dreams!

Orphlids · 17/06/2022 18:28

I have clear memories of my father living abroad for several months when I was about six. My parents were still together, so he had, until then, been a daily presence in my life. His absence didn’t bother me. He would write to me regularly, which was exciting, and send his voice recorded on cassette tapes too. Obviously, technology has moved on since the 80s, making communication much easier, but there was something thrilling about the postman bringing a letter, because it was an event.

But probably you need to make your decision based on your knowledge of your own children. Would they be unfazed, as I was? If so, I’d go. Only you know your kids well enough to decide.

Justdiscovered · 17/06/2022 18:29

Of course this is possible. I have known many women from other cultures who have done just this. To study and develop yourself professionally.
The children will be able to develop a good routine with their dad, and he will feel more involved and capable in future as a result. You will have the chance to really focus on your studies and therefore get more out of your studies. You will come back fulfilled and accomplished and after a short period of adjustment you will pick up where you left off with your children.
It’s only a few months and it sounds like you really want to and you just need a nudge.
Your degree will be long and hard, so if you can dedicate some time just to that then it’s worth it while your children are still young.
They will need you around much more when they’re older.

ECN73 · 17/06/2022 18:30

I believe we should definitely improve ourselves and continue to grow alongside being parents but 3.5 months is a VERY long time for that age group. I would not be leaving them for that long nor do I think I would be able to fully devote myself to a placement knowing my children were that far away.

TheBiologyStupid · 17/06/2022 18:31

I didn't vote, as there are too many unknowns. What do the girls think about it? How reliable is their dad? What would happen if things went wrong with the arrangements? Whatever you decide, the children must come first - but that is complicated by the long-term benefits that your international placement might provide them with in the future, of course.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/06/2022 18:31

Except its not a case of 12 weeks with no contact, OP will be visiting in person every fortnight, they are with trusted Dad who they live with 50 % of the time, he's supportive about this and she can facetime them every day. There are also school holidays when they can visit her.
I see you are taking some time to consider OP. Wishing you best of luck

3WildOnes · 17/06/2022 18:31

I wouldn't. My mum worked away for 8 weeks when i was younger leaving me with my dad, I missed her terribly.

RunningTiger · 17/06/2022 18:32

No way
Take a UK placement
This won’t enhance your career prospects - you can network from the UK

Hutchy16 · 17/06/2022 18:33

It’s optional, don’t do it…you chose to have children, the law degree fits in round them, not them round them degree

DanceItOut · 17/06/2022 18:34

I personally wouldn’t but that’s because I would miss my kids too much. However as long as your children are well looked after by a responsible family member in this case their own father then if you feel able to leave them for that long then go for it.

PeanutButterFalcon · 17/06/2022 18:36

Go for it. I had an opportunity to go abroad while at uni. Although technically it didn’t add anything to my degree it was definitely a talking point at interviews and will make you stand out from others.

It’s not long. You can go home easily and the internet is an amazing thing with FaceTime available.

Their needs are going to be met and they may also develop and grow from this experience too. They are going to be safe, loved and cared for and in a routine they already know.

yes I would find it hard to leave my child, but yes these experiences don’t come around often and we should take them where we can. You’ll have lots of stories to share with them I’m sure.

toomuchlaundry · 17/06/2022 18:38

As the Dad has 50:50 custody I assume he is pretty capable already. But it sounds more like a jolly than 3 months of hard work or studying, so purely for selfish reasons. Would posters be so keen if the Dad says he wants to go on a 3 month holiday so mum has to step up and do all the childcare for 3 months. I'm not sure the flying home every other weekend will happen. Lets face it travel is not reliable at the moment, will it get better anytime soon

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 17/06/2022 18:38

Exactly this! Op, you are going to better yourself for your children and to potentially give them and yourself a better life - dad sounds amazing and really supportive which is rare when relationships break down so i'd 100% go for it!! Skype or video call the children any chance you get or record voice messages to send back and forth if the times differences are too big to allow video calling (the comments suggesting coming to visit for a weekend then flying back obviously have never been students to understand student finances and how they only cover for your placement flight/accomm and does not allow for long weekends back home and then out again - although ideally that would be amazing, you'd be knackered too after working so hard!!) A Big Good Luck from me OP, Best Wishes for your success

madasawethen · 17/06/2022 18:38

Yes! Go for it! You've worked hard for this.
The time will go by fast.
You can always skype/FaceTime.

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