To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

If it was a bunch of you from the class all going together to a fun city that's different

That’s exactly what she says it is @Felicity42 !

Well it really depends on how your children cope with separation.

Are you sure the every other weekend will help? The first goodbye will probably be fine, but after missing you for a fortnight the goodbye after your first visit will I imagine probably include tearful clinging, and will just get harder from then on as fortnightly isn’t frequent enough to feel like a routine at that age.

Will the repeated upset and separation really be worth it? Are they really going to look back and think of your choice with pride and see you as a role model, or are they going to remember how you chose to leave them?

I’d proceed with caution. You say this opportunity could never happen again - but I’m sure you can travel plenty in the future, especially with a lawyer’s salary!

It's weird that we say, it would be fine if a man chose to travel abroad for work, but it's totally frowned on for a woman to do it..........and yet, regarding the one staying at home, nobody is asking about the Dad's personality, and whether being very 'open' to the prospect of the trip equates to having the kind of prophetic self-knowledge to know that you're going to cope; and not get stressed, nor finding aspects of sole parenting frustrating.

If it was the woman being left, there would be loads of concern for her emotional well-being and the question of back-up care and family support would have been deemed pivotal to the decision of whether to go. But it as if this Dad is not being factored in as a real person - he features as a kind of generic, shadow, perhaps one dubbed 'Cool Dad', who symbolises equality of the sexes by doing what we'd expect his female counterpart to do. (We don't even know whether he works or not). But he, this cartoon figure, is going to best the responsibility for caring and explaining. But we would say it would be hard for the mum, if roles were reversed, especially if she works full time. Only OP knows the whole story of their relative roles and strengths, but I guess the more you can rally family around to help, the better it will be.

It's not work experience.

It's studying abroad at a sister university - something that all the other lawyers on this thread have said will make no difference career-wise.

OP herself has also admitted she's only really doing it because she wants to live abroad for a bit.

Which is fine if you're child-free or have no commitments, but not really the kind of thing you do when you have small children who need their mum IMO.

You’ve mentioned you will still see them in between which I think is fine and you should go for it, it’s an excellent opportunity and they will be with their other parent anyway. I get as mums we feel huge guilt but I would look at it as a great opportunity for both you and your children (they get to see what it’s like living with dad and hear all your exciting stories of living abroad). I think you would regret not going for it. X

I couldn't do it. But I wouldn't function. Stress of being away from them would override any experience. If it makes no difference to employability then you have to ask reasons for doing it.

It is not a “great opportunity” as it will make no difference to her career. It is also doubtful that she will be back every other weekend unless she is very well off. Nobody knows that the children will be “alright” hardly seeing my mother for three months including OP. Given OP will be absolutely fine not going why does she as an adult take priority?

If we take the degree course out of it, and it was a parent (either mum or dad) deciding that they quite like the idea of spending 3 months abroad away from the kids to experience a different culture, would people be saying go for it? Be used it would appear from the degree/career point of view there is no benefit

I don't know anyone who would think it fine for a man to go on what is basically a holiday for three months and not see his children. The fact you think everyone else sees it that way says more about your social circle than anything else.

It isn’t an excellent opportunity though. It is something that will make no difference to the OP’s learning, career or quality of CV. It is quite simply a jolly.

I know a lot of parents, I can’t think of any, male or female, that have decided to go on a three month jolly at all. Never mind go on it and have everyone say it was a great thing to do,

I wouldn’t. I couldn’t leave them at that age for that length of time.

but if you can and you feel this is important to you, then go. You only live once.

Thanks everyone for all your input. It has all been noted from both sides and I will make my decision within the next few months 😊

Overall, having mulled over both sides I personally think you shouldn't go. I agree with other posters that life and following your ambitions shouldn't stop once you have DCs, but they do change the types of things you can do. I think some children would be absolutely fine with the separation and some would be very upset by it, but you know your kids and we don't.

The scenario with the EOW visits would be a good solution for your kids but I think it may well turn out to be impossible. As you're going to study, I think flying home EOW will really limit how much you will enjoy the culture, because how much time are you realistically going to have to experience it with study and commuting back to the UK. And with things as they are, I'd be worried about rising ticket prices and cancelled flights and not being able to manage the visits I'd told my children I would make.

The other factor here is that you're going to need a lot of childcare support as you progress in your course and start your career in law. Those, unlike this, will be non-negotiable and absolutely essential for your career. So it might not be the wisest move to go away for months now when you know you're going to need a lot of extra support again in the near future.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to travel when you have kids but I don't think this particular plan with the flying back and forth with studying on top is going to give you the best experience. It sounds exhausting actually. I'd wait until the studying isn't a factor and then it would be much easier to achieve your dream of experiencing another culture.

@elbigbx did you say what university/course you are doing that offers free accommodation abroad for a whole term? It really won’t cost you a penny??

How lovely that you know "several psychologists". That must be such a comfort to you.
Do you think that six years of training, almost thirty years of experience, twelve years of being clinical director of therapy and training for a children's therapy centre and thousands of hours of ongoing professional development qualifies me to offer an opinion as requested by OP?

Your rudeness is uncalled for. Perhaps one of the several psychologists you know could help you look at that.

@CaroHart What are your views on it, I can’t see on the thread?

I couldn't do it but if you think you can I don't think there is anything wrong with doing it.

Lawyer here, management level.

It wouldn't make you more employable. I wouldn't.

Nope. Not rude. Just have developed bullshit radar.

Anyone with the qualifications and experience you claim to have would not speak about people they did not know with such absolute certainty. There is nuance in every situation, which if you really were a psychotherapist you’d know.

If that is your experience and you have the opinions you do, it is time to retire. You are way off base. Experience doesn't always make people good at their jobs.

and this is either the problem with treating psychology as a science, or the problem with psychologists who consider themselves qualified to speak with absolute authority.

It’s not a universal truth that a temporary separation of this kind is going to be damaging to children. Whether it is or not is dependent on a number of factors, which if you are a psychologist you should already be aware of.

career longevity can be indication of expertise, or indication of a successful hack.

I think the replies to you have been very rude.
Your opinion and experience is valid and it’s not a huge stretch of the imagination to believe 3 months away from their mum would be traumatic for the young girls (as PP have confirmed was their experience)

My father worked abroad for years when I was a child. 3 months away then 1 month home. I’m also a mum and a senior lawyer.

My view would be do it.

Your children have another capable loving parent who will facilitate regular contact and you/they can visit.

Sometimes it's hard to make time for ourselves esp when we have kids. It can seem easier when a career thing 'forces' us to do take that time we need for ourselves.
OP you could consider doing a nice hobby course away on your own or solo holiday for a week. Doing something just for you.
That might provide the self exploration you are seeking. And help you in your decision.
As I'm doling out that advice I'm asking myself why don't I do that actually... bloody great idea 🤣.
Now let's all google cookery schools in idyllic country retreats before it's time to start the spag bol!!

I definitely would not do it with your girls at those ages - it is far too young.