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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave children for 3 and a half months?

1000 replies

elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:44

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 16/06/2022 20:21

I think as it’s not a requirement of your course it’s not the right thing to do when you have children really. Although I suppose four months isn’t that long.

My husband’s ex went on a foreign course just as their son did his mock GCSEs. That was an unnecessary course too. It felt wrong.

7eleven · 16/06/2022 20:23

@CaroHart
Behave. I know several psychologists and not one of them talks with such blind conviction and uses such sweeping statements.

You do know that an online course in counselling, that you buy for £49, doesn’t make you a psychotherapist, yeah?

Blossomtoes · 16/06/2022 20:26

this jolly abroad won't have any impact on her qualifications or future career at all

It’s not a jolly. 🙄

NewtoHolland · 16/06/2022 20:31

I wouldn't because it wouldn't work for me, but I'm a weirdo who couldn't be in another country to my children for a weekend away either. Each to their own. In my mind it's because there
Is such a small window of time when they actually want us around and I want to be here for it. I want to be able to get to them if they've been sick at school or if they have had a fall out with a friend or if someone said something they didn't understand at school and they want me to explain. I wouldn't want them to feel that they weren't my priority or to ever feel abandoned.

Indoctro · 16/06/2022 20:45

My husband has to do it , he works abroad offshore

Me and the kids cope. They miss him loads but they deal with it

I would go,

SagaNorenLansrimMalmo · 16/06/2022 20:45

Lawyer, who went to a uni that offered this option. I didn’t go for it (had a small child at the time) but all my mates who did it, had a ball - because they made loads of new mates and got pisses with them a lot…zero benefits to their careers…mostly people did less work and it had a negative impact on their degree…

Now when I’m looking at applications/ interviewing someone having time abroad is neutral- neither helps nor hinders the application. The only exception to this is people who did a language as part of their law degree and spent a year abroad at (eg) French law school. Because that demonstrates another skill - and learning law in a second language is hard! But OP wouldn’t be offering that, so pointless I’d say

SagaNorenLansrimMalmo · 16/06/2022 20:47

And you won’t come back EOW - you might think you will, but you so won’t…cost, faff, and frankly it would defeat the point of immersing yourself in another culture for 3 months…

TheWelshposter · 16/06/2022 20:48

I personally couldn't do it, I would worry too much and feel guilty. Not.even a well paid work placement would persuade me. I did my study abroad in my 20s when I could really enjoy myself and even then I still got homesick. Couldn't imagine doing it with children at home.

OneCup · 16/06/2022 20:52

Erasmus (and similar) is essentially a fun holiday. I don't think I could leave my kids for three months of fun. Yes it could go well for them but what if it didn't? Feels like a big risk to take.
( My mother went away for three months when I was 4 and 11 and it went ok by the way)

Plinkyplankyplonk · 16/06/2022 20:54

I left my son with his Dad for 4 months (completely different reasons, it was the right decision at the time) when he was 3, he had a great relationship with his Dad, we co-parented really well. I saw him fairly regularly for between 3-7 days at a time. He is 5 now and It's effected him massively and if I could turn back the clock and change things, then I would.

SherbertLemonDrop · 16/06/2022 20:55

Absolutely not no I could never do that.

GettingItOutThere · 16/06/2022 20:56

no. I speak as i did a degree with young children and i think you would be very selfish.

if it was a month, possibly. Even that is imo too long to just drop them. So no, your children come first whenever possible and this is optional!

LicoricePizza · 16/06/2022 21:25

I wouldn’t do it. It’s not essential ie the only way you can afford to support your family is by working abroad (as so people have to in developing countries etc).
Yes its a wonderful opportunity but it conflicts with your role as their mum - which is in my opinion a full time role until they’re adults. If you were still married to your exH would you be leaving the family unit to benefit from an opportunity abroad for a few months do you think? I wonder if because your parenting is split & you’re used to having 50% of your time away from your DC if in a way it makes it easier or kind of facilitates that way of thinking, that you are a single person away from your kids for 50% of the time, so it wouldn’t be that much different to increase it to 100% for a (relatively) short period of time. I do think you should be able to have a career & an identity separate to bring a mum, but one that works around raising your kids, while they still need you & this doesn’t seem to fit that requirement IMO.

Easilystartled · 16/06/2022 22:23

CaroHart · 16/06/2022 19:03

Psychotherapist here. Do not leave your children. It may be good for you, but it is not good for them. Children do not have the same concept of time or ability to regulate that adults do, and will experience this, no matter how you frame it, as a form of abandonment. If you would miss them, and you would, consider what it would be like for them. They would miss you desperately, and would just have to tolerate that awful feeling with no way to moderate it except to try to cut off from it. While on the outside they may look ok, they would in fact be traumatised by your decision in which they have no say. You obviously love your children dearly, please don't leave them.

Absolute stuff and nonsense.

GrinAndVomit · 16/06/2022 22:28

Does anyone have any research papers into the potential abandonment/ trauma argument for either side?

Isahlo · 16/06/2022 22:48

What kind of experience is it? Will you be a clerk in a law firm (which from my experience will be shite) or will it be a mini pupilage or similar

daisypond · 16/06/2022 22:51

Isahlo · 16/06/2022 22:48

What kind of experience is it? Will you be a clerk in a law firm (which from my experience will be shite) or will it be a mini pupilage or similar

It’s not work experience at all. It’s just like Erasmus - studying in a university abroad for a short time.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/06/2022 23:52

Do it!

You are leaving them with their other parent who is just as capable of parenting as you are and you'll see them EOW. I bet your girls would love to spend some extra time with him.

You are allowed to have wants and dreams and desires. You matter and your life doesn't have to be all about parenting.

Your girls will be just fine with their other parent.

dianthus101 · 17/06/2022 00:03

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/06/2022 23:52

Do it!

You are leaving them with their other parent who is just as capable of parenting as you are and you'll see them EOW. I bet your girls would love to spend some extra time with him.

You are allowed to have wants and dreams and desires. You matter and your life doesn't have to be all about parenting.

Your girls will be just fine with their other parent.

It's pretty unlikely she will be able to see them every EOW. That would probably cost a fortune. Yes, parents are allowed hopes and dreams but there has to be a compromise if you choose to have children. OP could have gone travelling before she had children or she can go travelling when they are older. This isn't something that will help her career and is really not any different than a three month holiday. Very selfish to do that if you have children.

LicoricePizza · 17/06/2022 00:18

I disagree that it’s to do with gender & that if it was a man going it would be viewed far more favourably. It’s because it’s not a core component of the course. It will give no career benefits or pay advantage. It is possible to qualify in the same career without doing it abroad. As such for either gender - if your DH announced he was going abroad for a few months to do his degree course, and leave you & the kids at home to do it, would nobody find that unusual/unnecessary? Maybe a bit of an indulgence? Yes OP is divorced but it makes no difference.

I agree with PP’s that whilst it might seem like a wonderful opportunity & it is in many ways - it’s not like being on a free extended holiday , you won’t have room in student accommodation for family & friends to come & stay for cheap holidays, it really is university life in a foreign country. To get the most out of it you want to use the time to travel & explore locally & further afield in your free time & at weekends. If your course is fairly onerous (ie law?) then most of your free time will be spent studying at weekends & that won’t work with return travel every weekend, nor would it enable you to get the most out of the opportunity. When I studied abroad the culture there was for the majority of students to go home on weekends or away -leaving the student halls pretty much a ghost town & harder to integrate with anyone other than foreign students like yourself - of which there were a handful which reduced scope for speaking the language etc. How would it work finding accommodation for kids as well & uprooting them for only a very short amount of time & enrolling in a local school etc & how that would work re picking up from school/attending lectures? I assume it would be more costly & harder to manage without any extra support. Maybe it would be worth asking if anyone has ever done it (obviously not being a parent whilst in further education, but being on a uni short term placement in a foreign country, with small kids).

ThirtyThreeTrees · 17/06/2022 00:56

People are acting like you are abandoning them forever. It sounds like you are leaving them with a very capable hands on father.

Three and a half months is rough 105 days.

He has them 50% of the time so say - 52 days.

You will be back at least every second weekend for 2 days so 14 days.

38 days extra with their dad in one year. It's not going to have a dramatic negative impact.

When we were young, my aunt got very ill in Anerica and my mum went to help her for a couple of weeks. We loved it, or normal fairly strict dad, turned into Disney dad while we were gone. We had so much fun, he played more games than normal, did movie nights, garden picnics etc. We had pizza a lot more. He mixed up our clothes lots and wasn't great at pony tails or hair but we thought it was hilarious. Probably the best time with our dad during our childhood. When mum came home, he will back to the disciplinarian and she was the fun one.

Namechanger355 · 17/06/2022 01:05

Am a lawyer and interview others

going abroad can add an interesting perspective but it wouldn’t certainly make or break the success of a candidate for me - I would look at everything else in the realm

so i wouldn’t do it to improve my career in your situation given your children

Hairdyeoutofabox · 17/06/2022 01:50

Far too long to leave them at that age, imo,

Felicity42 · 17/06/2022 02:50

Have you ever been away from them for extended periods before?
Because if not the reality is that you may miss them dreadfully and be quite homesick.
Might be fun and buzzy for about two weeks but then a bit crap after the novelty wears off. And it'll be dinner for one in the apartment on your own in a city where you know nobody, talking to the kids on zoom.
If it was a bunch of you from the class all going together to a fun city that's different. The work experience would need to be seriously worth the sacrifice.

daisypond · 17/06/2022 03:04

Felicity42 · 17/06/2022 02:50

Have you ever been away from them for extended periods before?
Because if not the reality is that you may miss them dreadfully and be quite homesick.
Might be fun and buzzy for about two weeks but then a bit crap after the novelty wears off. And it'll be dinner for one in the apartment on your own in a city where you know nobody, talking to the kids on zoom.
If it was a bunch of you from the class all going together to a fun city that's different. The work experience would need to be seriously worth the sacrifice.

She’ll be living in student accommodation, so no doubt lots of other students around. It’s not work experience, it’s studying abroad at a university.

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